Too harsh on ND child?

[itscoldplay]

DS ADHD (and dyspraxia. Also likely ASD, but it’s his ADHD behind most of the challenging behaviours).

He’s 10, and just really hard work on the weekend especially when not medicated. Constant negativity when he doesn’t get his own way. Zero frustration tolerance. But what DH and I find most infuriating is the wind up behaviour, the back chat and rudeness.

Do you let some things like that go? The pestering siblings for example? Tonight DS, DD and I watching TV, cuddled up. He bothers DD, so I move to sit in between. He bothers her again, I send him out of the room for 5 minutes. He bothers her the third time, he is sent straight for his shower and bed. Cue major anger which for him means constant back chat, refusal to let anyone else have the last word, aggressive behaviours (I don’t think he would ever really hurt us but he will test the waters by gently pushing me or DH). “Shush”ing us constantly when we’re speaking, really disrespectful stuff. Eventually he is sobbing, saying he has a headache. No remorse in these scenarios typically (he is much better behaved at school and will always be remorseful if he does wrong, same with friends).

We try our best to keep our cool but it does end up in taking away tech for 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks because he doesn’t stop even when told. That’s what he was sobbing about tonight, he’s now lost his iPad for 2 weeks.

Have you identified your child's triggers? What do you do to reduce these triggers? Do you use de-escalation techniques? What do you do to help your child?

I’ve had 17 years practice now at this ADHD lark. DS has an explosive temper and struggles to control it. When he’s shouting and screaming at me I’ve found the words “bring it down a bit mate” very useful. 9 times out of 10 he will quieten down. I have to catch an escalation at the right time though, leave it too long and nothing stops him. 😊
To add though, he’s the most amazing human being, sharp witted, kind and loving and I wouldn’t change him for the world. ❤️

After 17 years I still find this hard. What he’s fine with one day will trigger a meltdown the next. Ever moving goal posts….

I take my hat of to you all especially those with additional children as for me I only have one DS, now 17

He was only diagnosed in last 4 years and medicated for just over 1 year, we adopted him as a small child so have other things added to the mix.

Having your child kick you, be abusing and threatening /violent is horrendous. I try to be the Adult in everything and try to be calm but it's not always easy.

The medication has helped and obviously experience of dealing with it and us getting better at understanding him and how he works has really improved things plus leaving his school after GCSEs and being at college with a lot of outside sport has really changed the situation in a positive way.

He is though the most lovely boy, smart, funny,popular,loyal, and absolutely amazing and I wouldn't swap him for the world

Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg is helpful for understanding this. The goal posts move because their capacity fluctuates day to day because it's affected by all sorts of different things.

It doesn't, unfortunately, make it any easier to make sense of what is putting pressure on their capacity but at least it makes a tiny bit more sense.

Thank you for that! I’ll take a look. He actually had a massive meltdown today. He seems so full of rage and sadness. He’s asked for some professional help. I’ve taken tomorrow off work to take him to the drs. I have prepared him though…. There may be a lengthy wait for “help”
I am patient and very calm with him and rarely react negatively to hi episodes but I really don’t know how to help him ☹️

How is DH at consistently enforcing the punishments he sets.

Does he follow through or is it you ?

Maybe have an agreement that punishments are decided together but each parent enforced the one they give.

Might make DH more realistic and reasonable

Punishments? Seriously?!!

Yes "punishments" sounds harsh, I thought that too. It just sort of conjured up an image of a strict archaic school house
I'm sure it is just a bad choice of words, and that pps are meaning "consequences", to actions?