To feel my DP essentially kicked me out this morning?

[AnotherNaCha]

Quick background, relationship of 9 months, is very loving and respectful and have been very grateful to find each other etc. However, DP is artistic and seems to have the temperament to go with it and is also pretty low energy (likewise so am ok with it).

We don’t live together and both have small children so see each other every Sunday night and every second weekend usually Friday-Monday.

This weekend we were celebrating an achievement of his, I took him out and paid etc.

This morning in his in bed, I revealed some quite vulnerable MH issues I had at uni (over 25 years ago), we often talk deeply etc. But he said nothing, went to have a shower and then said he felt “weird” just wanted to potter so he’d meet me at mine later. I said clearly I’ve done something (as the emotional shift was palpable), he said no and it wasn’t fair as he was just being honest.

I left and later cancelled this evening when the day was almost over and hadn’t heard from him. He was fine with that. Didn’t ask any questions.

AIBU to feel like crap? Or maybe it was too much for him and he just wanted space? It’s like the more I give him, the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans for us and I just feel maybe it’s all a bit one-sided and not sure what to do. Thank you 🙏🏼

Disagree. They barely see each other. Hard to say without knowing the ins and outs of what was said but the DP could have perceived this as trauma dumping.

Politely disagree, unless I couldn't move past something and needed assistance to work through it. I wouldn't want my therapist to know me better than my own partner.

I think there is a chapter in “why does he do that” about the abuser who masks, at first, with feminism and sensitivity. For some men it is a conscious or unconscious bid for attention snd praise—they can’t get it by being the swaggering, conquering, hero because thats not their thing but they can’t (cheaply) get praise/admiration/sex by posing as a sensitive, thoughtful, new man. Its just another form of narcissism though. When you really need their help and support they will vanish because lip service is all they are prepared to do.

Also, in your case, he suffered a narcissistic wound—he is crushed because you “were angry” and had stopped praising and coddling him. So there is no use—and it would be a lot of work—for him to recapture his feminist crown right now. He is withdrawing his wonderful self from you until you come crawling back in good enough health to tske care of him. Or dhe will dump you for someone easier, in good health, who he can fool.

You've been together for only 9 months

You often talk about deep subjects

You started to tell him about yet another issue of yours from 25 years ago

Now you're unwell and you're waiting to see how he reacts

Maybe it's me, but you sound very very hard work

Quite. This is an absurd sitcom stereotype.

Oh don't be ridiculous. When do you deem it an appropriate time to discuss less superficial issues then? The op has not said she has consistently discussed personal issues but she quite rightly expected a bit of empathy both then and also now she is quite unwell. How would you expect your partner to react if you were very unwell or if you confided a personal issue? I would hope your expectation would be with kindness and that would not make you hard work in the slightest

For some reason the post I was referring to was not quoted. This was directed @sugarspiceandeverythingnice12

No wonder the majority of mumsnetters praise their husbands with “we still have a laugh” and at the same time describe treatment so emotionally cold and demeaning that I wouldn’t expect it from other than an enemy as perfectly normal. The idea of companionship is totally skewed here in some way. It either can’t include empathy and compassion at all or women, especially, are expected to do without. The biggest mumsnet insult—or “thought ending cliche” is the phrase “you sound like very hard work.” It is almost always lobbed at women who make any kind of demands on men (or family).

I simply feel 9 months in is too soon to have so many deep and meaningful expectations. But I can only answer the OP from my experience and from what I would do.

I'm obviously wrong for you @sandrapinchedmysandwich🙂

We are so not compatible 🤣 I feel like an emotional connection (from both sides) is so important. Maybe I am too much one way and you are too much the other. If we could combine we might present as the perfect partner 🙂

Also do you feel that this is normal based on your experience alone or is this also what you want? I feel a bit sad for you if your needs have not been validated and this is what you now know as normal. This is coming from someone who has been in a past long term relationship where my needs and feelings were constantly ignored and for me at the time I stopped sharing things. It's a very lonely place

You weren’t the dick here. I’d be patient until it’s fair to ask why you were frozen out - and if there wasn’t a decent reason I’d can him.

At the end of the year, looking back over this, wanted to thank everyone who gave me insight and support on this thread.

Of course it was a red flag. Of course I kept persisting. Helped him get help for his mental health, then things were OK for a few months but the overall theme of low-effort, push pull, hyper sensitivity never changed. Then I was ill again, and he basically soft exited. A bit of on and off and then went totally DARVO a day or so before Christmas like he wanted it wrapped up before the end of the year, to the point of forcing me to end it.

Will never get across what made me stay, but the upshot is - I should have acted on my gut and seen his behaviour for what it was, as so many of you pointed out.

Happy 2026

@AnotherNaCha I wish you happiness and freedom for 2026. I'm sure your life will be better without him in it.

Well it’s his loss. I hope 2026 will be healthier and happier for you

Take time to learn from this or it will remain a pattern in future relationships where you waste months pursing men that treat you badly.

Read, Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood.

Read, Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

These books will help educate you.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk too as an added support.

Invest in yourself, not men for 2026.
Good luck.

Thank you. Totally. I’ve already done that and read that and other books and been in therapy for years.

Can’t explain how this presented differently - and yet the same. Really thought he was safe :( which is worrying

All about me now

Well—whatever in re warnings about repeating old patterns . Take a beat and then focus, focus, focus on yourself. Make this a great year and the start of a great life. I am wishing you all the best!

This is why when there’s a red flag you run.

Beating yourself up distracts from goodwork on learning to listen to your gut more.
You are out of it and must now mind yourself and be kind to you.
Actions not words is a great saying that can be applied to all relationships.

Focusing in on a persons actions and how they treat you, rather than cheap words that ultimately mean nothing, is one lesson that you can take from this.
Really wishing you well.

When did sharing personal things with people we are close to become unilaterally called 'trauma dumping'? Life is hard. If someone trusts you enough to share their hardships, then comfort them. If in that moment you simply think about yourself and how everything makes you feel, abd how you shouldn't have to be burdened by others, then theres an empathy problem there. Especially when the 'trauma' is someone was depressed at uni and stayed in bed.

I'm sorry this happened OP. It must feel quite unsettling to feel you've shared something quite small but important about yourself, and your partner's next reaction to be that they felt weird and wanted you to go. However, you cancelling the evening might come across as passive aggressive or as a test to see if he knows what he did wrong. Thats not judgement - many of us can be guilty of this! The best thing is to set out clearly to him what happened and how it made you feel, and see how he reacts. Best of luck.