To feel my DP essentially kicked me out this morning?

[AnotherNaCha]

Quick background, relationship of 9 months, is very loving and respectful and have been very grateful to find each other etc. However, DP is artistic and seems to have the temperament to go with it and is also pretty low energy (likewise so am ok with it).

We don’t live together and both have small children so see each other every Sunday night and every second weekend usually Friday-Monday.

This weekend we were celebrating an achievement of his, I took him out and paid etc.

This morning in his in bed, I revealed some quite vulnerable MH issues I had at uni (over 25 years ago), we often talk deeply etc. But he said nothing, went to have a shower and then said he felt “weird” just wanted to potter so he’d meet me at mine later. I said clearly I’ve done something (as the emotional shift was palpable), he said no and it wasn’t fair as he was just being honest.

I left and later cancelled this evening when the day was almost over and hadn’t heard from him. He was fine with that. Didn’t ask any questions.

AIBU to feel like crap? Or maybe it was too much for him and he just wanted space? It’s like the more I give him, the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans for us and I just feel maybe it’s all a bit one-sided and not sure what to do. Thank you 🙏🏼

Fairly sure he just had the shits. But (generally) I have to say nothing pisses me off more than men who excuse being disinterested, distant or irritable with their girlfriend/partner as "I'm tired". It's usually code for "I can't be bothered with you today".

Op I'd say trust your gut. If you was pondering him having an affair because he has a locked phone you be getting a different response on here.

Basically this is about how you view the world. I'm very much say what you mean and mean what you say. I don't mind people being PA or sarcastic but I can't stand people doing "everything is marvellous your a great person Incessant" while their actions don't match up for example. That's my line, you can have your own to call out on, walk away on..you are you. In individual. Not the MN hive mind.

Also who needs to guard what they say around a relatively new partner in the honeymoon period? Fuck that! Trauma dump? FML. Your conversing. Imagine if your dad had killed your step dad? When would be the right time to tell him (aka trauma dump?) Never. In case it sapped his positive energy.

Woman must not be people pleasers walking on eggshells watching what they say and do around men. Unless the first few posters say so......

Omg, being in her room for a few days 25 years ago is not trauma. Jesus, everyone needs to stop exaggerating every day life and labelling it as trauma

Well I like it. It speaks to what I'm going through currently. I was just feeling very grateful for some good friends who have seen me through a vulnerable patch and this hit a spot. Mind you you either like poetry or you just don't get it.

I love poetry, but it's hardly Plath, Keats or Owen, is it.

More Dr Seuss.

But anyway, OP sounds like she's walking on egg shells and his behaviour sounds controlling. It doesn't sound like a great relationship

That's a bit snobby. Not everything has to be a classic.

Green eggs and ham is more of a classic than that facile tripe will ever be.

People can get that poem and still think it's crap. Surely the snobby thing is thinking people who don't like what you like must not have the intellectual capability to understand it. It's pretty arrogant of you.

You started with describing the relationship as loving and ended with one-sided.

The day as you describe it, by itself, depending on how he actually said things and how he acted, doesnt necessarily need to mean anything, he may have been really coming down with something or feel way too overwhelmed by what you told him /was it really bad?/

Anyway he should be able to communicate what happened and how it made you feel. Not go cold turkey for the near future.

I get the poem's message and still think it's bady written, has no form, weak analogies, is full of self help waffle, and has the depth of a puddle.

No, what's snobby is thinking something is only worthwhile if it's by a classic poet.

I thought it was a dim comment. Like the person can only judge something based on the name of the author and not on its merits. Do you denigrate all novels that aren't by Austen or all plays that aren't by Shakespeare?

Ok, you didn't like it. Different people like different things. That's ok, no need to be so vicious

Hmmmmm... you made yourself a bit vulnerable and he didn't have the skills/empathy to deal with it. My guess is potentially triggered him- maybe its how he feels now, or recently and he doesn't have the maturity to manage it at the time. Going on the fact that he has an unpredictable temperment it is entirely possible he is currently unwell, and in his mind you are a break from all that.

Now he has seen you more as a human, rather than a distraction/therapist/replacement mummy figure or what ever purpose you were serving he can't deal with that and so is just cutting you off.

If it were me I would be sad about it for a bit and then move on. You can't save him and he can't be in a relationship right now.

I also love Adrian Mitchell, Roger McGough etc, so give over.

It's naff.

But this is about the OP and hopefully after a day of calm on each side they can figure things out.

I think its perfectly ok to briefly tell people you have been seing for 9 months about being depressed enough not to leave the room and having no friends 25 years ago. No issue with it being on a Sunday in bed either, as long as its short and not in seeking a therapy-type talk.

What? Are you saying you can't discuss a very brief period of difficulty from ages ago? I find that a bit wild. Are we only allowed to present a glossy veneer of positivity, and always have to censor ourselves? How would you ever get to know anyone if everything should be bottled up? He should know her well enough to know she's moved on.

I'm just saying that if it's something that doesn't affect her now why bring it up in bed on a Sunday morning when it seems trivial. I mean I could have a moan at DP about stuff from 25 years ago, but unless its relevant to a conversation, I don't. If it does affect her, that's a separate issue, but as said earlier , both parties need to be in the same head space for a deep and meaningful conversation. That's all.

It’s difficult to move a relationship forward if you’re careful of over sharing and managing your image. Go with your gut and if, as another poster has suggested, he’s training you to keep thing’s shallow, then he may just want a fun, superficial, see you every week or so thing. And that’s ok if you’re on the same page. But don’t make this his call, if you want someone who can empathise when you’re sharing stuff that’s been significant for you then he’s not right. Don’t be shamed by suggestions that you’ve “trauma shared” just because you spoke about MH 😳

Jesus, did we have a Hallmark Cards drive-by? The 'poem' from feeling was blody awful

oi! Dr Seuss is great. It's funny and irreverent and approachable. It isn't awful metaphores and maudlin sentiments.

This.

Boyfriends are not therapists.

Especially after a mere nine months. If one needs a counselor one should find one. I’d run for the hills in this boyfriend’s shoes. Talking about a buzzkill in what should be a fun time of dating.

It’s like the more I give him, the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans for us and I just feel maybe it’s all a bit one-sided

This jumped out at me OP. You are doing all the running here.

What would happen if you did not message him for a week? Would he follow up? How come he never makes plans with you? Does he reciprocate the efforts you make such as take you out or celebrate your achievements?

Only you know your relationship - but is he really into you or is this a relationship of convenience for him - to be kept light - i.e. he can can disclose heavy topics but he is not willing to support you back. Just a thought OP, wishing you all the best you deserve to be happy.

Or perhaps he just doesn’t want to deal with some moaner who wants to drone on about something that happened 25 years ago. That doesn’t make him callous or deficient. Most people want to look on the bright side and focus on the positives in the present, especially in bed of a Sunday morning.

All these people blaming you are absolutely ridiculous.

this guy (I can’t call him a man) sounds like an avoidant attachment type.

not worth it. It’s so not worth it. The push-pull, the pulling away any time they get too close, or someone confides,

if he shows a pattern of pulling away like this, it will be hell trying to build a relationship with him.