To feel my DP essentially kicked me out this morning?

[AnotherNaCha]

Quick background, relationship of 9 months, is very loving and respectful and have been very grateful to find each other etc. However, DP is artistic and seems to have the temperament to go with it and is also pretty low energy (likewise so am ok with it).

We don’t live together and both have small children so see each other every Sunday night and every second weekend usually Friday-Monday.

This weekend we were celebrating an achievement of his, I took him out and paid etc.

This morning in his in bed, I revealed some quite vulnerable MH issues I had at uni (over 25 years ago), we often talk deeply etc. But he said nothing, went to have a shower and then said he felt “weird” just wanted to potter so he’d meet me at mine later. I said clearly I’ve done something (as the emotional shift was palpable), he said no and it wasn’t fair as he was just being honest.

I left and later cancelled this evening when the day was almost over and hadn’t heard from him. He was fine with that. Didn’t ask any questions.

AIBU to feel like crap? Or maybe it was too much for him and he just wanted space? It’s like the more I give him, the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans for us and I just feel maybe it’s all a bit one-sided and not sure what to do. Thank you 🙏🏼

Hahahahah I saw it on Facebook as I was double scrolling on mumsnet and thought it seemed relevant. My bad 😂😂😂

Taking the morning chat out of the conversation had you planned to spend the day together before he asked you to leave? I’d be a bit miffed if I’d gone to my bf for the weekend and halfway through he said I want to be alone but you can come back later. It’s not like you are together all the time.

Oh for god's sake, if you want to be catty and sound clever & snarky, at least read the post. He passed a test the day before (at work, or a driving theory test or whatever), OP was helping him celebrate it.

So should she.

Op I don't know why everyone is piling on you
You're allowed to expect your partner to case that you had a tough experience and want to be kind to you and cheer you up when you're remembering it, that's basics of loving someone

Keep a close eye on how else he supports or doesn't support you. Now is the time when he will be beginning to show true colours including if selfish or narcissistic traits

I agree with this, men love to share all sorts of traumas even on first dates with me!

Why is it a pile-on when many disagree with the OP but not when they agree?

@echt I don't know

But people are trying to make op feel she can't talk about her feelings, which triggers me as I was in a relationship with someone who was narcissist and psychologically abusive and said 'why are you coming at me with high levels of emotion' if I calmly expressed how I felt about something at a quiet time using only in statements and literally walked out on me while I was very pregnant telling me I was too much. OP's post made me think of how he behaved with me and this could be early warning signs. Don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking your feelings aren't important too op

*i statements

Because a pile-on is inherently negative?

Some people are being ridiculously dramatic calling this 'trauma dumping' whilst of course ignoring that he talks about past bad experiences, because it's OK for men apparently 🙄
OP, personally I want equality in a relationship, not to be a therapist to a needy boyfriend who takes but doesn't give.

This trauma dumping stuff is very confusing. If you can't tell your partner, then who can you tell?? And even if it was a bit much, he should have at least given you a big hug.

That’s ridiculous really though because everyone has a past - including this guy she married. Alcohol problems don’t just suddenly appear.

This is why I would never take relationship advice from Mumsnet OP 😂.

So many women on here just don’t understand or have an awful attitude towards men, when in reality they are pretty straightforward, and knowing men, he probably was only half listening to you OP 😂😂.

It sounds like you can sort it out.

Any further updates OP? Hope you’ve sorted it out.

@AnotherNaCha I am married and in a "fun and deep and emotionally supportive" relationship with my husband. However if I woke up on a Sunday morning and decided to offload my MH issues and bring up stuff that happened 25 years ago, he would probably get out of bed and go downstairs to make a brew! And I wouldn't blame him!

There is a time and a place for talking about this kind of thing and, a lazy weekend morning after a night out celebrating is not it!!!

Tell a professional counselor.

People who overshare & try to turn their boyfriends/girlfriends into/spouses into personal therapists are so tedious.

Either manage emotions oneself like an adult or get expert help if it’s that bad. Don’t dump it on others.

Its a pile on because its so agressive and personal. The attacks on the OP for being needy, an oversharer, or trauma dumping are just bizarrely personal and vituperative. I think Mumsnet’s peculiar style of group reactive attachment disorder has been triggered and a large number of posters have decided to treat OP as a persecutor (and the bf as the victim) of the greatest if alll mumsnet sins: the sin of self care or self awareness. As soon as OP described herself as needing to share something she was no longer the ideal Mumsnet independent woman. She was committing the sin of “neediness” and was taking up the more important person’s time and attention ( the bf). How dare she even recall her university experience! After 25 years should’nt she have buried it all?

The funniest thing about all this are the posters who accuse her of ruining his celebratory weekend. She didn’t “ruin” or diminish his “big event” by treating him to dinner, having sex with him, and waking up in bed with him and discussing her dream. Does he need fuss snd vslidation the whole weekend or he can’t be happy? Why is this not the despised neediness and clinginess that the OP has been excoriated for?

edited to add: now it turns out he didn’t even notice what she said. Far from being to overwhelmed by dreaded lack of english phlegm he was just unaware that she had said anything at all. Now the posters who accused the OP of “using him like a therapist” and driving the poor man from happiness by having the temerity to share (poor, fragile, creature that men are) will turn on a dime and fault her for having the temerity to try to break through his natural male solipsism. Didn’t she know that men simply ignore most things women say?

I love you. And totally agree in general with MN, such ingrained misogyny.

The update is that I care way less this morning. If he adds to my life, great, if I get so bamboozled I turn to MN - not great.

Good for you OP

The comments here are absolutely bonkers, they boggle the mind! Trauma dumping? Seriously? He was traumatized by her sharing the past during a lazy morning in bed? Goodness me, are these the mythical women who wake up before their husbands, put on a full face of makeup and hair, and return to lie in bed with a big smile plastered on their faces? I’d hope most women have a little more self respect to think of their own needs instead of doing a whole silly dance around the man the whole weekend to big up his accomplishment - literally treating these men like children. Ugh!

She took him out to celebrate his achievement, paid for it etc. That day was all about him. The op probably felt close to him the next day and felt about to share something from her past. I think after 9 months she should be able to do that. His reaction was cold and out of order. He showed no empathy whatsoever and is telling her exactly who he is sadly

Absolutely this. 👏

Wtaf? How on earth did you summise that from the op's post? Is that how you feel about people with mental health issues? You are bang out of order

How is it ingrained misogyny to ask why you didn't just ask him what was wrong in the first place? You made a big drama over nothing by not asking a simple question. If he hadn't answered, avoided the question, gaslit you or lied, then you have problems.