To feel my DP essentially kicked me out this morning?

[AnotherNaCha]

Quick background, relationship of 9 months, is very loving and respectful and have been very grateful to find each other etc. However, DP is artistic and seems to have the temperament to go with it and is also pretty low energy (likewise so am ok with it).

We don’t live together and both have small children so see each other every Sunday night and every second weekend usually Friday-Monday.

This weekend we were celebrating an achievement of his, I took him out and paid etc.

This morning in his in bed, I revealed some quite vulnerable MH issues I had at uni (over 25 years ago), we often talk deeply etc. But he said nothing, went to have a shower and then said he felt “weird” just wanted to potter so he’d meet me at mine later. I said clearly I’ve done something (as the emotional shift was palpable), he said no and it wasn’t fair as he was just being honest.

I left and later cancelled this evening when the day was almost over and hadn’t heard from him. He was fine with that. Didn’t ask any questions.

AIBU to feel like crap? Or maybe it was too much for him and he just wanted space? It’s like the more I give him, the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans for us and I just feel maybe it’s all a bit one-sided and not sure what to do. Thank you 🙏🏼

Ha. Later life relationships and this would be virtually impossible, unless you found a 40 year old virgin who’d be living under a rock. I’m OK with peoples past baggage as long as they are self-aware and expect them to be with mine too. It’s def not our main topic but maybe I have been a bit heavy and oversharing lately…

Id find that quite hurtful.

His reaction could be entirely justified if you have a habit of making any occasion that's about him into a day about you.

I have a cousin who does that and whilst all low scale stuff it does get utterly tedious that nobody else can have a day marking and achievement or a celebration that doesn't end up being about her.

This. I'm reading it as: you have to over-egg a relatively small thing he' s succeeded in, and he can't even go to the effort of saying 'ah sorry, babe, that sounds rough. Can I make you a cup of tea?' If that's the situation, ditch him.

V true, and who'd want a virgin who'd been living under a rock! But fair play for acknowledging potential oversharing, which to be fair, I'm not sure you entirely necessarily did, although after 25 years if it's that minor a thing, I'd leave it, just that the timing was off. And he's reacted to that.

Bigger issues need a proper chat when both are in the right space to do it.

Thanks all. Not sure it’s about the “trauma dump” - he’s sometimes gone into himself like that before and I am one to totally blame myself and feel like it’s me. It’s him essentially.
Wanted to hold off messaging but it got the better of me and I said sorry if I was too much this weekend and trauma dumped etc, having space was good, hope he had a nice day. Passive aggressive much? Wish I’d hidden my phone. Hope we sort it out

I think that's fine, not pass agg. Leaves the door open and acknowledges his need for space at that point. I hope you figure it out.

@AnotherNaCha he's telling you he conducts a relationships on his terms.
Incidentally it's irrelevant that someone declares themself to be artistic.
I'd laugh at him if he tried to give me that crap.
If it doesn't suit you give it a swerve.

It's so weird on these posts how one person says "trauma dump" and then about five other people pounce on the term and put the boot in with the same unoriginal observation. You weren't even doing that, you were having an open conversation and he shut down and has left you wondering if you did something wrong, which you didn't.

I think he was weird. The whole low energy artistic thing but with a fiery streak is also a worry. Men aren't some other species that can't show kindness and listen. And what does fiery streak mean? Does he suddenly anger? Also a red flag.

I would consider it a warning about him not being emotionally mature enough to show empathy and see what happens next. But don't pretend you're cool with that. You deserve better.

If it becomes a pattern, id leave, I would not be putting up with from anyone.

Lol what.

You can talk about the past and it's impact on you without it meaning something deep or that you're still living it. I was mentally ill and self-harmed for years. My partner is aware of this. It's over for me and I am as sure as anyone can be without a crystal ball that I won't go back there. I shared it because it was a significant time in my life, and you share past vulnerabilities with partners??

Also how stigmatising about therapy. I go to therapy. I'm also a successful mental health nurse, in a very stable marriage, a mum to a baby, have lots of hobbies, and lots of friends. You can be well and in therapy. Not everyone likes to pick apart their past and sort through it, but some do. It's actually very emotionally healthy to explore feelings about your past to help you come to terms with things.

Edit: OP, people on here appear to have the emotional range of a brick. It's normal to have shared stuff about your past that might feel vulnerable 9 months into a romantic relationship. It's not some weird trauma dumping red flag, what a reach and assumption to be making.

Your partner should have just communicated whatever his problem was. Or simply said 'Hey OP, I've got a few things on my mind right now and need a little space. I'll message you when I'm ready to chat'. It could be that it's nothing to do with you, but as he never said a word, we don't know. People need to use their words rather than expecting everyone to mind read.

Thanks. Yes I’ve been good in this relationship to be very clear when things aren’t acceptable and we’ve both worked hard on old patterns and open communication. He’s usually very supportive. I know what it’s like to suddenly need space but I’ve not been on the other end and the timing was off today and I hate feeling he’s not being honest (but that could be not to hurt my feelings).

Yes he’s occasionally got angry… it doesn't feel great but I’ve chosen to watch and wait

I agree with this^
so when he is sharing it’s ok but if you are sharing it’s his mood killer.
Did you tell him that you had a criminal record for stalking or abusing your partner or spend your teen years in a mental hospital with a hereditary condition which flare ups every 5 years? I guess not so he could give you a hug, tell you something nice and then go for a shower as planned.
it seems his artistic temperament and high sensitivity only works one way - when it suits him.

At this stage my partner’s reaction on me sharing something deep about myself would be a turning point in our relationship. I don’t think he is into a serious relationship with you but it might be ok for you, we don’t know.

He did not kick or boot you out.

UPDATE
He’s replied that he's just been tired and snoozing all day. He didn’t know what I was referring to re the trauma dump and wasn’t upset by me. FFS. Now I doubt he even listened. Didn’t say anything about me being too much, so I was probably too active for him or something 🤷‍♀️

<hand up>
i've never heard the term trauma dump. Loads of posters here chucking it about as if it's a throwaway everyday phrase

OP - he sounds hard work.
9 weeks in might be too soon to reveal a past vulnerability but 9 months ... delicate flower had to have a shower and a day to get over it?!

I'd be unimpressed.

Yes, slight Daily Mail inspired headline writing of me there. He clearly wanted me to leave though

He didn’t win Nobel prize - she made a big deal out of him passing a test just because she was nice and wanted to have fun.
He probably just passed “Life in the UK” test.

That's an odd response from him, a basic ignoring that the conversation happened. I'd rather an 'it was hard and I needed some down time' than pretending it didn't happen.

Sorry you've met my ex. He's best avoided.

Eeeek

Seems like that might be the only thing you have a “strong sense” in.

Xposted, but after your update OP - i still think it's too hard work.

Do you love him?
Do you feel loved?

What are you looking for with a relationship (at the 9 month point)? Someone you fancy but feel safe with? Someone who's got your back? Someone you can really be yourself with. Someone who gives back at least as much as what you put in.

I get the impression you walk on eggshells just a bit with him.

I wonder now if he had too much to drink and had upset stomach or similar and wanted you to leave him to it ….
9 months is ok for emotional conversation but a bit too early for shits and farts.

OP, you are coming across as chasing him down hard and he doesn't read as any prize.

I think you read as very vulnerable to an abusive arsehole.

Stop doing all the running, its not a good look.
You deserve better than this.