To feel my DP essentially kicked me out this morning?

[AnotherNaCha]

Quick background, relationship of 9 months, is very loving and respectful and have been very grateful to find each other etc. However, DP is artistic and seems to have the temperament to go with it and is also pretty low energy (likewise so am ok with it).

We don’t live together and both have small children so see each other every Sunday night and every second weekend usually Friday-Monday.

This weekend we were celebrating an achievement of his, I took him out and paid etc.

This morning in his in bed, I revealed some quite vulnerable MH issues I had at uni (over 25 years ago), we often talk deeply etc. But he said nothing, went to have a shower and then said he felt “weird” just wanted to potter so he’d meet me at mine later. I said clearly I’ve done something (as the emotional shift was palpable), he said no and it wasn’t fair as he was just being honest.

I left and later cancelled this evening when the day was almost over and hadn’t heard from him. He was fine with that. Didn’t ask any questions.

AIBU to feel like crap? Or maybe it was too much for him and he just wanted space? It’s like the more I give him, the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans for us and I just feel maybe it’s all a bit one-sided and not sure what to do. Thank you 🙏🏼

He sounds like a fairweather friend. All fine when you are happy and smiley and championing him. But if you show any sign of need or vulnerability, forget it. You make him feel weird and he needs "space".

No, am trying to give context. It was a vulnerability for me to share and have it ignored. He’s told me way heavier and me too. So I doubt this triggered the space needing. I was just hurt he booted me out right after

Or to flip that, she's telling him that she's someone who is potentially likely to have no friends and live in her room and rely on him fully emotionally, and is in therapy.

It would be a no from me. If the situation 25 years ago is over, she wouldn't have brought it up.

That doesn’t really match what you said in your OP about vulnerable MH issues?

He was looking for an excuse and you gave him one. Better now than later.

I felt vulnerable telling him I’d been depressed and at least once hadn’t left my room all day, yes

Personally I’m done with trying to guess what people have in mind.
If Theyre upset, say it. Don’t stay silent, say everything is fine whilst pulling a face/go quiet/create an atmosphere.
Im not a mind reader and I can’t be arsed to deal with people like this anymore.

I mean just look at this thread.
Everyone is making guesses p, assuming that this guy reacted that way because xyz. In reality it could be anything. Incl starting to blow hot and cold, a comment that triggered one if HIS memory that is unsettling him etc….

What? Apart from that I’ve lived the past 25 years with friends, a job, a child and general
joy and don’t rely on anyone? Bit harsh

This. Thank you. Me too.

Am just gonna ask him

It's still supposed to be fun at 9 months. The dream chat thing is odd anyway, but I would have assumed it would be more along the lines of 'an elephant chased me down the street' kind of dream than something pretty inconsequential from 25 years ago that raises red flags re mental health issues if you're still fixated on it. He's not for you, you're not for him, that's OK.

PP are being so weird... 9 months together and you sharing about your past is needy and a red flag and trauma dumping???

It would feel like an extremely surface level relationship to me if I couldn't share things on my mind with a partner. I feel the same way about friendships.

I talk about incredibly deep things with friends (old and new) and always did when dating too. It is a great way to get to know someone on a deeper level. It builds trust.

And I'm sorry, but he isn't a child. It sounds like you celebrated him passing his test... What is the time limit on you talking about a different topic that would be acceptable to people lol.

I am actually quite baffled at people thinking you sharing this is a big deal. I have had men share traumatic things within the first month of dating. I would say I was sorry they went through that, give them a hug and we would move on. Sometimes months later, we would revisit at a deeper level.

It doesn't sound like you wanted a therapy session. Jeez

You sound angry at the world. Relationships can be fun and deep and emotionally supportive. To say you’re not for each other based on a single incident of a usually good relationship is very nihilistic of you. Guessing you’re single or in a “fun” relationship

Take a step back and leave the ball in his court.

Sounds like he’s had a knee jerk reaction to what you’ve shared, as much as we’re in the midst of a mental health positive movement, I also don’t think people can always handle such information when shared with them. Equally I don’t think this is particularly a bad thing, providing you get to the bottom of what bothered him and assuming he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence of a gnat (big subscriber to a partner can’t be everything to you).

I also wouldn’t feel bad about sharing, whether it was a celebratory weekend or not. I don’t buy into having to act a certain way, etc just because something positive has happened. 9 months to me is long term too. But also context is important here (if you’d been talking about it for 30 mins and he had hardly uttered a word in response it’s a dump!)

The fuck kind of post is this? Ugh.

Artistic and low energy? Do you mean doesn't earn any money and lounges around all day and refuses to get any kind of job because it might interfere with the art?

Voice of reason. Totally.

And I doubt this was the trigger to his feeling “weird” and wanting to potter. I was more upset about the timing which seemed insensitive.

I think 9 months in is a perfectly normal time to share some deeper more personal stuff. It’s getting to know your partner beyond a superficial level.

OP, maybe the timing wasn’t right for this particular share, maybe all the dream talk isn’t for him or maybe there was something in what you said that put him off. If it’s the latter, that’s his problem not yours. You haven’t done anything wrong.

That’s fair enough, I just thought you’d be referring to something much more serious when you said MH issues, that’s all.

Maybe he just didn’t know how to react if you’ve never shown that side to him, or maybe it brought up some odd memories. If you then cancelled your meet up, he might just have no idea what to say next.

And you'd be very wrong. 10 years in. But with a strong sense of time and place to discuss this sort of thing and awareness of my partner's need for space sometimes, and he of mine.

Good luck to you anyway, he probably just nèeded to process what you said.

I think it was quite rude of him to suddenly change the plan if the plan was that you would be with him till Monday. Also rude to say he would come to yours later and then not get in touch with you.

I wouldn't make excuses for him or tolerate this. If he was upset, either by you or something else, and needed space, then that's ok but he needs to exain himself. Not leave you worrying and feeling crap about yourself.

I imagine you wasted your precious child free day off now as well, as you were waiting to hear from him? Whereas if you had known he wouldn't actually be coming round you could have planned stuff/had a day with friends, etc.

If he is genuinely unable to cope with you mentioning a mild spell of depression that happened decades before, he needs to develop a bit of emotional resilience.

I would be rethinking this relationship if I were you, OP. You deserve better.

Life is so complicated, nobody wants to be burdened with other people's old shit, sorry to be blunt. I have a friend, who, when choosing a husband, was quite blunt - she screened people for MH issues, parents' issues, health issues, work issues, literally everything and said - don't want any baggage - if we get married and something bad happens, I shall be 100% with the spouse, till the end, but I don't want any shit from the past, life is too complicated. I was shocked at her at first - she selected a future spouse like a horse/dog/etc. She found this person, they have been together some 20 plus years or thereabouts, and she stuck by him through health issues, alcohol, etc. I now thing she is so right.

Hey @AnotherNaCha I agree that some of the posts here about ‘trauma dumping’ seem really immature. You were sharing with him, just as he has with you, and for whatever reason he shut down on you. He let you down, and that’s on him, not you. I would find it impossible to come back from this without a proper conversation including an apology and explanation from him. And even then the trust would feel broken.

He's been an arse.

A trauma dump this morning, then later you cancelled your later date.

You already asked him and he said no. I think maybe it's time to stop buggin'.

You said he was low energy. Maybe your emotional dump and questioning him and changing your mind has him a bit baffled. You're coming off as hard work. Maybe he's not up for it. Maybe choose your time for a trauma dump better. Maybe he's just tired.

Gosh, beware. That was quite cruel of him. I don't know if I'd have the resilience to put up with someone like him. Go slow.

FYI- my mother has a habit of going cold and withdrawing for no reason at all, or a perceived slight. It's torturous. I wouldn't wish a relationship like that on anyone.