To feel my DP essentially kicked me out this morning?

[AnotherNaCha]

Quick background, relationship of 9 months, is very loving and respectful and have been very grateful to find each other etc. However, DP is artistic and seems to have the temperament to go with it and is also pretty low energy (likewise so am ok with it).

We don’t live together and both have small children so see each other every Sunday night and every second weekend usually Friday-Monday.

This weekend we were celebrating an achievement of his, I took him out and paid etc.

This morning in his in bed, I revealed some quite vulnerable MH issues I had at uni (over 25 years ago), we often talk deeply etc. But he said nothing, went to have a shower and then said he felt “weird” just wanted to potter so he’d meet me at mine later. I said clearly I’ve done something (as the emotional shift was palpable), he said no and it wasn’t fair as he was just being honest.

I left and later cancelled this evening when the day was almost over and hadn’t heard from him. He was fine with that. Didn’t ask any questions.

AIBU to feel like crap? Or maybe it was too much for him and he just wanted space? It’s like the more I give him, the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans for us and I just feel maybe it’s all a bit one-sided and not sure what to do. Thank you 🙏🏼

Are you from the 1950's? Should we all be skipping around with a jaunty ribbon in our hair and putting a jolly smile all the time for our men? 9 months is plenty of time to build an emotional connection. You need to talk about deeper issues sometimes.

YANBU - his response was shitty, especially after opening up about something so vulnerable. When I had a similar conversation with my partner, after a similar time frame (including mentioning suicidal thoughts and previous self-harm issues), her response was to give me a cuddle and ask me how she can best support and help me and what I needed from her. How he responded to you screams immaturity and an inability to communicate properly, huge red flags, throw this one back OP.

Yeah so he hadn’t even clocked what I told him was potentially a big deal. He said he thought it was an anecdote.

So the fact remains, he asked me to leave as he needed “space” pretty much out of nowhere… because he was tired. I find it annoying as it implies my company is too much or something. We don’t see much of each other so this doesn’t give me a great sense of the relationship. I need space sometimes too, just tend to communicate it so the other person doesn’t think it’s them. Am so over ruminating on people!

I think your final paragraph may be the clue here. ‘The more you give him the less he wants to give back. He never makes plans…’

I think you need to think more about this aspect of your relationship and who’s doing most of the ‘giving’.

I also suspect that your admission has scared him off.

I’ve known more than one low energy ‘artist’ (self proclaimed) like this. One was going out with my best friend at uni. She ultimately kicked him to the kerb, because he was obviously going to make the big time y doing fuck all and waiting for his big break, but doing nothing to achieve it.

Some artists, like any profession, I guess, have what people may see as the stereotypical temperament. I’m sure there are plenty of people who excuse their crap behaviour as ‘artistic’.

Thanks but the admission didn’t even register and we’ve spoken about much deeper than that.

I did bring this up today, his lack of plans - he said how does that have any impact on my feelings for you? If I made plans does it make you feel more secure…. And in a nutshell, yes. Effort = care, doesn’t it?

Look he is really loving to me and has given me loads of emotional support since we met. Lovely gifts and is helpful. He is however happy not doing much and this needing of space - when he has loads all week / I find disorientating

Chuck him back. From what you’ve said, what you told him wasn’t a massive deal, not mh issues? Being effectively thrown out because he was tired (hungover, did he drink a lot when you were out celebrating?) after a night’s sleep-all a bit odd if he’s obviously made it clear he wanted rid of you. Unless he’s exceptionally sensitive-someone in his life with major mh/similar issues that have hugely affected them/his life-it’s a bit shit of him.

Odd reaction by him and l would see as a red flag by him. Whether it was a big or small achievement then why wouldn't someone be allowed to talk about something else the following day? Either positive or negative?

Yeah… it was a smallish achievement and it was two days afterwards. He’s saying he was just tired and needed space… I don’t think that’s clear. I’d rather someone say “you are doing my head in with your constant chatter, I need some quiet time, hope you get it - nothing personal”

I was thinking this.

Is there any way he will talk to you directly and tell you what happened? Was he unwell, stressed, etc? How is he reacting to you telling him that his abrupt end of your time together hurt you?

Sort of… he said he was exhausted from the test stress and it’d caught up with him. But sort of flipped my hurt at the abrupt ending around into me as in he said “it makes me feel I can’t be honest with you, you”ll
take it as me not caring for you etc” - have maintained that’s what it felt like to me. It was so sudden… he IS a delicate flower, guess I need to weigh up if I’m OK with that.

Well he sounds like he was fine with you when you were paying for everything to celebrate his bloody test. So I’d be fuming at being turfed out or whatever.

OP - my advice is to smother him in “space” and I bet he then does all the running but please don’t put all your eggs in one basket with him and try not to treat him too much. I’m not sure he’s right for you from what you’ve posted.

Oof, I don’t know if I believe him and don’t feel he took seriously that he hurt you by suddenly going cold. People who blow hot and cold without even being honest about it are a nightmare.

I’ve met men like this before , they are attention seeking . Basically he can be the moody / brooding heavy one but if you are to have any basic emotional need or want to talk deeply he can’t handle it, as it’s not about him. You are definitely not being a dick here and no relationship should leave you feeling like this for the day . I would be very wary of him and it’s an immature emotional
response . Even if you were ‘trauma dumping’ as others have suggested, a grown up would console you , then lighten the mood and they certainly wouldn’t leave you hanging all day. Would you do that to him? You can tell something is off because he’s made you feel like it is so that’s your answer.

Update is I’ve been quite ill (hospital visit required) and he’s still being an emotionally avoidant “there’s no point talking to you if you’re angry” a-hole! No call, no “what can I do?” - just a “sorry to hear that, hope OK”.

I just completely despair. He seemed to be emotionally in touch, feminist, supportive etc. Guess it takes this long to really get to know someone. Am too unwell to be that upset which is a blessing!

Yes you’re right. For 9 months he kept up the show he was supportive of me too but the cracks were showing, now there’s a Grand Canyon

I’m so very sorry op. Times like this you get to know who your “friends” really are. Look after yourself and get well soon.

I don't trust 'feminist' men.

Agreed. Neil Gaiman being the perfect example.

Sorry it’s all gone to shit OP.

I wouldn’t be impressed at being turfed out without warning, regardless of the previous conversation. If I know I’m not seeing someone I can make plans but to be binned off like that would really irritate me.

And now the total lack of care about you being in hospital…… I’d expect him to be rallying round, nine months isn’t a short time.

I think I’d be getting rid of him permanently. He’s shown that he’s selfish and only available emotionally when it suits him. You deserve much better OP. Hope you feel better soon.

Regardless of the previous stuff, his reaction to your needing to be in hospital is not good. So you were wrong but he is very wrong. I hope you are ok.

Sorry to say but maybe he just isn’t that into you or not the same way you are with him? Been there, the more you give, the more they take and the less satisfied you feel. Unless you can have a conversation about some of this with him, is it worth carrying on?

OP, please stop chasing this awful man.

He really is not bothered and you are making so little of yourself.
He doesn't deserve you.
You are not compatible.
He isn't good enough for you.
I think he has been doing enough to draw you in, but in reality cannot give an atse and his mask is gone.
Any man who asked me to leave in such a manner wouldn't see me for dust again, yet you continue to pursue him.

Delete his number, focus on your health and getting well.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
You are and deserve better than this.
Hope you feel better soon.

Relationships are a matter of compatibility, as I see it.

Personally I would not be happy with someone unable to react to personal accounts of distress, or if they didn't even listen, if that was important to me.
However, it did happened to me at times, and I looked past that, and it also happened to me to be the insensitive or distracted one.

Likewise, I would be immensely grateful to find out early that someone is telling themselves that they are "bigging things out" for me quite insincerely. Because that would be a massive red flag.
I would expect them to keep "me me me" lists, to reveal that at some point in the future, to hurt me, to make me feel small and turn cherished memories into meaningless ones.
So, once I know, I could gratefully keep looking for someone more like me, who would try to never do that.

And, I really should point out, that "I am tired of your incessant chattering. I need some space, but it's not about you" will be understood by most people as being all about them being a endlessly chattering nuisance.
Similarly, someone hearing "sorry, it's not about you, it's about me, I need some space" and automatically turning it into their heads into "I am tired of your incessant chattering, I need some space".
Well .. to me that's a red flag too.

Then, other people will have very different needs, in terms of compatibility. Or even a more complex and nuanced way to see things, more understanding, more compassion, whatever. Nothing wrong with that.

Thanks all. Still ill so priority is me. My ex (he is the father of my child) is helping with getting prescriptions etc as my current “partner” is nowhere to be seen after some pretty avoidant messages last night.

I have had my share of both good and bad relationships and this had been one of the best. Very compatible, started slowly as friends, took my time, plenty of attraction and open communication. He’s been amazing supporting me through a tough thing I went through last year, has created very heartfelt and personal things for me. I know he sees me for who I am. Equally, he has sometimes gone into himself, but I was getting used to that not being about me. And when I have questioned his behaviour after an initial defensiveness, he’s always accepted responsibility etc. So it’s actually hard to just up and leave as there’s a lot of love. But today I’m not feeling it. I think how he responds to my being ill will tell me everything