Is 41 too old to have a second child

[Rastyopolis]

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

I had my second one at 39 but my eldest wasn't 18!

If you don't want a child then you don't. He can't force you. Same as I wanted a third but DH didn't so that was that.

I will say it's exhausting being 50 with a ten year old, think about how knackered you'll be with a young child into your 50s, menopause is hard work and you're not there yet.

It's of no consequence whether it's too old or not. The only thing that matters is that you do not want another.
I had my second at 40. But that's because I wanted to.

If you had a preschooler or young child then 41 is no problem. I think with an 18 year old you'd be mad. Plus you don't want to and really that's the deciding factor!

Yes, I would say you are, I think 38+ is just too old in my view. But I’m only saying as you asked and would never offer that opinion unsolicited.

I don’t think 41 is too old, but I think you’d be insane to have another when your eldest and only is 18.

I think it's too old and why do that to yourself when you're about to be free? It would be a hard no from me.

If your first kid was 2 then I’d say no, but going back to the beginning again now? No way. You’d be looking at child rearing from age 23 to 60 minimum, I wouldn’t want that for my life, I have other stuff I want to do when mine is grown up! Sounds like you do too!?

It would be for me but might not be for you.

I actually can’t imagine anything worse!

It’s quite an unusual age gap. To get one to adulthood and then have a baby.

You can very legitimately say that you are not willing to potentially compromise your own health having a baby at 41. The pregnancy could be far more difficult than before. Just google the risks, gather them together and tell him you are not willing to expose yourself to them.

This.

Personally if in your situation , I would feel about to move into the next stage of life .

Child about to become an adult , they will soon move out for further education / fly the nest and you and dh will be in the next chapter of your relationship.

You'll both be more free to do stuff and probably richer as less responsibility .

Tie yourself up for another 18 years , no thanks .

I had my second at 42yrs but only had my first at 39yrs. In your position I definitely wouldn't but I'm not you.

Why now op, after all this time?

Personally, I wouldn't want to go back to a baby when my first is 18. I'd be looking forward to a new chapter in life.

in your shoes no way would I do this.
he had 18 yrs to feel passionately about a second child.

i say this as someone who had a child at 41

I think your title isn't really the question you're asking - 41 isn't necessarily too old if both parents really want the child, are healthy and well, are prepared and informed re. all the risks etc. If your real question is "AIBU to refuse to have a child if I don't want one" then the answer is of course YANBU.

Great question @Tiddlywinkly, a lot of our friends are now having their first or second.

If you feel you're too old, you're too old. It's your body. He's had at least 18 years to raise the subject with you, but waits until you're approaching the end of your reproductive lifecycle before broaching it.

I think you'd be brave to do it all again, not because if your age (I had mine at a similar age) but because you've already been parenting for 18 years!

It would have massively more impact on you, physically at least, than on him. I wouldn’t.

@ForPlumReader i think it would be.

I’m 43 with an almost 3yo. It is wrecking me. I’m permanently exhausted, dealing with peri menopause, so bloody exhausted and dealing with toddler tantrums. I have an older child too. I am looking forward to being free and having my time again. I think you would be mad to have a baby now.

DEFINITELY NOT TOO OLD

@ConnieSlow I see this with a lot of our friends who waited until late 30s early 40s. I've got a full on job and knackered anywa. Q4 and Q1 always a nightmare.

I know women with 10-20 years between their first and second children, or their first and second lot.

It's up to you.

Then again I'm 50 with a 6 year old. And this is quite common in my family.

41 is fine. But that's not really the issue, if you don't want another then don't!