Is 41 too old to have a second child

[Rastyopolis]

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

Don't quite understand what you are saying tbh, but the table here says that at age 41 you'd have a 1 in 53 chance of having a child with a chromosomal abnormality, next year it would be 1 in 42. https://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/embryology/index.php/Genetic_risk_maternal_age

I guess your/your DHs familial history and personal health would potentially increase or decrease those chances but it does appear that there is a significant risk increase with age?

Possibly. Older dads are more likely to pass on genetic mutations though so also more likely to father children with autism.

It’s not ideal and quite a big risk when you are on the cusp of being free. It’s could dramatically change your lives for the worse.

I came on here about to say absolutely not as I’m currently trying….. but I have to say I’m your shoes I probably wouldn’t be!

I don't think I could do that, if only because of the age gap. DH has a big gap (smaller than here) with his youngest sibling and it's made for a v. odd family dynamic. His parents still treat them all as if they're children and struggle with the older ones making their own decisions/having independence. They also approached our DC like their own children rather than grandchildren as they've been stuck in that phase for so long, which feels a bit odd.

I'm only 34 and I have a 2 year old and could not imagine doing it all again for personal reasons. So I don't blame you OP.

Same here - well, 42 with a 3 and 6 year old.
It is exhausting! Wish I'd had them (or at least the three year old) a good few years earlier.
Why on earth has your DP decided he wants another after 18 years?!

Not too old but it’s about what you want. I was thrilled to have my second then but had a much littler first one. Definitely kept me young to be an old mum and I’d hate to have missed out.

This!! 44 with a 3 year old, my only. It’s just how it worked out for me age-wise, so I don’t regret it, but no way would I do it at this age if I already had an older child!

Well, that wouldn’t be reason enough for me…

Yeah regardless of your age personally I think anyone would be crazy to go back to babies when their only/youngest child is 18. Hell I think it’s crazy when people have a 10 year old and then go back to baby days.

This. ^ Seems very bizarre that a middle aged man with one child (who is almost in their 20s,) is sooooo desperate to have his wife bear him another child. And his wife, is not only the mother of the almost 20 year old, but is middle aged too.

She will be at least 42-43 when baby is born, and tied to mothering a school age child til she's 60. (Probably still have the child at home til she's 65-70.) Hmmmmmmmmm. 🤔

I’m 40, my eldest is 18 and my youngest is 5 and whilst they are wonderful and I’d never change things, I’m EXHAUSTED. I couldn’t cope with a newborn now, not a chance. I’m in perimenopause and it’s no joke with a 5 year old.

Or maybe because older mums are terminating?

If you don’t want to, that’s good enough.

The thing for your DH to bear in mind is that (and obviously I hope this doesn’t apply to either of you) your body/health can change quite a lot between your 40’s and 50’s. I developed arthritis when mine were 9 and 11 and now that they are late teens, it often means I am much more restricted in what I can do.

The thought of being where I am now when my kids were still in primary school and I was still expected to be running around, climbing, chasing etc, makes me shudder. Mine are the age of your DD so although we enjoy going out, cinema trips etc, it doesn’t need me to be so physically fit.

Also, you are young enough that you & your husband can really enjoy travelling/hobbies/sports/whatever you enjoy and have some fantastic times ahead of you.

Is it possible your DH isn’t just having a wobble at seeing your friends with kids at the little, cuddly, adorable, Santa Claus stage and just misses it, rather than having a genuine desire for more children? The

@Rastyopolis I assume you had reasons for not having more than one child up to now? It sounds a teeny bit like a mid life crisis on your dh’s part.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a baby at 41 (know lots of people who had their first child around then) but the age gap would put me off. I definitely would not feel like starting over at that stage. Also, how would your Dd feel about it? I’ve know a couple of people who were only children until another sibling arrived when they were late teens. One definitely felt parentified by the situation and left home.

I’d also be thinking about the impact on your retirement age. Having a child to support well into your 60s could mean you working longer than you want to.

I don’t think so. But I do think 18 years is a big gap and I’m not sure I’d want to after that long and just starting to get freedom! For what it’s worth, I had my eldest at 37, youngest at 39. I’m considering a third and would be 42 when they were born. My grandmother had her kids at 39 and 42 in the 50s!

Do you want to be taking your kid to school when everyone thinks you are the granny?
You'll be much older than the teachers even...

As everyone says, it's your choice.
I'm tired at 50 and my kids are all in their 20s

If neither of you have wanted another baby in the past 18 years, then you don’t really want one now.

Sounds like he’s feeling left out of his friendship groups or he’s having a mini panic, knowing you’ll soon be too old to have one so it’s now or never type thing.
Neither are good reasons to have a baby.

If he truly wanted another child, he would have given you an ultimatum 10 years ago.

Have you only just started discussing a 2nd child? Has he not mentioned anything until now?

I had my first at 34 then an 8 year age gap (secondary infertility) and my second at 42. I am now 48 with a nearly 6 year old. So no I don’t think it’s too old BUT the issue is you don’t want one! I did, hence trying for 8 years!

I don't think you can hide behind age as a reason. However, you should not have a baby you don't want.

Have an in depth, serious conversation with him. Listen to him, let him make his case. Then if you still don't want to have another, don't.

You're just nearly getting one out of the nest and he wants you saddled with a new one to raise until you are close to 60.

I had my 2nd at 42, but my first was 5. There was not the age gap.

There are some real drawbacks to having kids later on life. How is your health? What if something happens to you during the pregnancy? Is you both ready to work your ass off into the late 60s and possibly 70s to cover another round of schooling plus trying to put away for retirement? Is he ready to help care for a child with disabilities? How's his energy for night feeds, playing with the kid. The older you get the harder it is.

My husband died when my kids were teens.

@MrsToddsShortcut I think that's it

This. The baby part is fine, its the late teens at nearly 60 is a total killer.
I have a lot of friends in the same situation and we are all wrecked from parenting in our late 50's.
And our kids are no trouble really.
The endless driving them around because we live in a city, they are girls and we want them to be safe means that life is a bit dictated by their social life and will be for a while.

Love them to bits but wouldn't recommend it.

As for going back to the baby stage after 18 years....absolutely shudders.🤯

Given the age gap, I wouldn't. I've had mine quite far apart (my eldest is in his early 20, the middle two in their teens and youngest is 6) and I'm 43, nearly 44. I am exhausted with the youngest - in fact, literally just come up to find him in my bed. Zero point trying to put him back in his or we'll get no sleep. I have no regrets having any of them, but I'd say the older you are the more exhausting it is. If you're done, you're done. It's quite possible that in not that many years you'll be Grandparents.