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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is 41 too old to have a second child

169 replies

Rastyopolis · 16/03/2025 18:47

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

OP posts:
BatchCookBabe · 17/03/2025 13:58

doodahdayy · 17/03/2025 11:08

I agree it’s bloody ridiculous to think she’d be confused got a grandparent unless she looks a very old 41 year old. This isn’t 1950.

We're not talking about anyone who is 41, we're talking about when the child is 7-10 and the mother is around 50.

All the women (around 50) that I have ever seen or known, look their age, some look older. Very few look younger. You will be mistaken for the grandmother sometimes if you are 50 and have a primary school aged child. It's happened many times. Some people have even talked about it on this thread. (And on this one.)

I had my 2 DC in my early 30s. (Was late 30s when they were at primary.) Guess what? I have NEVER been mistaken for their grandmother. A neighbour of mine had a baby at 42, (she looked 35 when she had him, and no-one thought she was the grandmother.) He is now 9, and she is 51, and looks it. She is mistaken for his grandmother on a weekly basis

As I, and several others have said, NEVER underestimate the effect that peri-menopause will have on you, and then the menopause. You can have a baby at 41-43 when you feel (and probably look) younger, but as I said earlier, menopause will knock the stuffing out of you, and you will age a decade in 2-3 years at around the age of 48-52. So yeah, you will very likely be mistaken for the child's grandmother as they get older, because you will age much faster than them. And don't even get me STARTED on how utterly tired and totally knackered you will be!

Some very naive blinkered posters on here. 😬

Apollonia1 · 17/03/2025 14:37

Technically you're not too old to have kids at 41. But since you have an 18 year-old, I wouldn't want to go back and start again.

I had twins at 47. Pregnancy and birth were fine. I'm now 52 and post-menopausal, and still feel fine, if a bit tired (I also work full-time in a senior role). I'm financially secure, so plan to retire about 60, when the children are early teens, so I'll have plenty of time to drive them around to hobbies etc.
I think having kids late keeps you young - I'm just back from a skiing holiday with my 5-year olds. My mum had kids in her late 30s/mid 40s, and is now a healthy 95 year old.

Notagreatresult · 17/03/2025 14:38

@BatchCookBabe
I’m 55 with a 13 year old and have never, to my knowledge, been mistaken for her granny. Not to my face at least. Certainly not weekly.

Snorlaxo · 17/03/2025 14:39

I have an 18 year old and would feel the same.

Is there a reason why he didn’t bring this up sooner say 10 years ago ?

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/03/2025 14:43

Late 40’s looking with a toddler here people would think granny. 50’s with a primary granny.

The only women 40plus doing the lower/mid primary school run here locally are on their second third fourth families and often are also actually grannies 😅 because their older children are in their 20’s

Tgfh · 17/03/2025 14:44

Totally agree @batch.....never underestimate what peri does to a woman, .....even without young children.

I remember turning 50 and being told to really mind myself looks wise as the difference every 5 years is brutal....from a vanity perspective.

I am one of the lucky women that is well off, choosing not to work outside the home, have money to spend on myself and a decent husband.....and my ffriends are all very similarly well off, some still working in great careers.

We all agree that peri is very hard physically on a woman's looks despite the money. Throw in several teenagers, some have 4 children because we could easily afford to and had the last in their early 40's.

I could afford help and those years were very busy but full of fun and good memories of them all tucked up in bed safely by 8pm.

15 years on and life is different and so busy running around after them, trying to keep them safe, encouraging them to take it easy on the vodka, insisting on collecting them at 3am from a party so they are not in a taxi alone. Definitely more worried about daughters on the above score.

Exhausting.
Fair dues to those who can let them crack on, we are not like that while they are still at home, and still in education.

Its not them, its us being 60+ and trying to do what our parents did a fraction of in their 40's.

Thank goodness I have never had the granny label being given to me, but I definitely have a good decade on some of my youngests parents.

When my youngest was starting primary I was nearly 48, there were young women with their first at 34 or so...its a big difference.
Fortunately I have excellent skin which has definitely helped.

Notagreatresult · 17/03/2025 14:50

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/03/2025 14:43

Late 40’s looking with a toddler here people would think granny. 50’s with a primary granny.

The only women 40plus doing the lower/mid primary school run here locally are on their second third fourth families and often are also actually grannies 😅 because their older children are in their 20’s

It’s area dependent to an extent though.

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/03/2025 14:55

Notagreatresult · 17/03/2025 14:50

It’s area dependent to an extent though.

Oh completely but I’ve yet to ever meet these people or areas where nobody seems to have children till they are 40 and having one in your 20’s is horrifying where nobody would be mistaken for a granny. Even going by the nice private day school it’s all women who appear to be in their late 20’s / 30’s. Either they are all blessed looks wise or they are just in fact not in their 40’s / 50’s dropping off their children.

AvengersAssembIe · 17/03/2025 14:55

With an already 18yo?! No! But you do you!

I had my second at 41, but there was no such gap! Ten years on, I am in full meno, she's 10 and in full tween mode, and man am I knackered!

Notagreatresult · 17/03/2025 15:03

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/03/2025 14:55

Oh completely but I’ve yet to ever meet these people or areas where nobody seems to have children till they are 40 and having one in your 20’s is horrifying where nobody would be mistaken for a granny. Even going by the nice private day school it’s all women who appear to be in their late 20’s / 30’s. Either they are all blessed looks wise or they are just in fact not in their 40’s / 50’s dropping off their children.

I was in my 40s dropping off all my children at (early) primary, as I had them late 30s/early 40s. I was 50s by the end of primary.

The mothers were a mix of ages, averaging late 30s I’d say for the earlier years.

I certainly wasn’t unusual or made to feel like a granny though. Lots were about my age. Fewer were in their 20s tbh.

I live rurally btw.

Notagreatresult · 17/03/2025 15:04

Maybe I am blessed looks wise🤔

(I’m definitely not!)

LiveinHarmony · 17/03/2025 15:06

Notagreatresult · 17/03/2025 15:04

Maybe I am blessed looks wise🤔

(I’m definitely not!)

Hey be kind to yourself! There are young mothers that look older, older that look younger and those that look the correct age. Nobody really knows for sure, and why would they even care. I bet you look great!

Notagreatresult · 17/03/2025 15:13

In 2022 the average age of mothers giving birth to their first child in England and Wales was 29.2 years of age, followed by 31.5 years for the second child, 32.6 for the third child, and 33.6 for the fourth child.

So on average mums are 34 to 38 when their kids start primary (or a bit older depending on the country).

Seeing women in their 40s at a primary school gate is very usual.

babiesinthesnowflakes · 17/03/2025 17:41

UndermyShoeJoe · 17/03/2025 14:55

Oh completely but I’ve yet to ever meet these people or areas where nobody seems to have children till they are 40 and having one in your 20’s is horrifying where nobody would be mistaken for a granny. Even going by the nice private day school it’s all women who appear to be in their late 20’s / 30’s. Either they are all blessed looks wise or they are just in fact not in their 40’s / 50’s dropping off their children.

No idea where you are but women in their late twenties dropping off children at primary school are statistically the anomaly…

TheOverstuffedWalrus · 17/03/2025 17:48

You don't want to so it's a no op, and he'll have to live with it. I would of course discuss it with him as you'd expect the other way round, but the deciding vote goes to the one who doesn't want to. I wouldn't want to either. Do you think he's doing the male equivalent of "shit I'll be too old soon and I'll lose my chance"? Out of interest, did you ever want a second when your DC was younger? (Obviously ignore the personal question if you want!).

alphabetti · 17/03/2025 20:50

When my youngest was born my older 2 were 16yr and 14yr. My older 2 are to my ex husband my youngest to my boyfriend. Was 36yr when conceived 37yr when gave birth. I love my youngest daughter but she hard work and im exhausted. I have told my older 2 please do not make me a grandmother in next few years as i need a break from raising babies!!

Lighttodark · 17/03/2025 21:25

i think it’s too old especially with perimnopause looming

BrightGreenPoet · 23/03/2025 03:14

I just turned 43 this month and have a 13-month-old, my other two are 5 and almost 9, and I have some friends my age having babies too. My eldest sibling was born in early 1966 and my youngest sibling was born in late 1986, so just over 20 years between them. My mother's eldest sibling was born in 1942 and the youngest in 1966 (my brother is actually a few weeks older than my aunt), so if this was something you wanted, it's not going to end up in the tabloids or anything.

That said, it really doesn't sound like you want any more. If you don't, you shouldn't, but you have to accept that if this is very important to your husband, he might end the marriage. You two should sit down and discuss how important this is to each of you and go from there. For example, if you at a 10 that you don't want another baby but he's only at a 5 wanting one, maybe you can compromise and get a puppy or volunteer with kids until the grandbabies arrive, but if he's at a 10 wanting one and you're only at a 5 not wanting one, maybe it's something you should give some serious thought to.

Blackkittenfluff · 23/03/2025 03:58

Does he like having you barefoot and pregnant or something?
I wouldn't entertain this at all.
If he wants another one he can go off and find some other poor woman to knock up.

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