Is 41 too old to have a second child

[Rastyopolis]

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

Short and to the point- no way would I want to start again after parenting for 18 years.

5 year old currently having a melt down, the older one has been shouting at me all night "muum muum muum", constantly demanding (he is ND), and does not understand volume. My head is killing me. God enjoy the freedom op. I think it is only too easy to remember all of the nice parts when you're not in the trenches; remind your dh of this. Also remind him it isn't up for discussion, "No" is your final answer.
Only just getting one of mine into the bath! They have school tomo 😫

When I'm 41 they'll be 10, and 8, no way could I even contemplate about starting again. I couldn't think of anything worse than changing nappies in my 40s. I adore my dcs, but I am ready for the next stages, more freedom gradually and watching them grow.

41 is not too old for a second child.

But if you do not want a second child, that should be enough.

No it isn’t - if you want a second baby. I had my second at 43 and everything was fine with baby and the pregnancy but it did take me a year to conceive and I miscarried the first pregnancy (that’s the risk you take when you decide to have a baby later in life). It is too late if you don’t want one.

Seems strange that your DH would wait 18 years before wanting another.

I had dc3 aged 42 and it was fine, no disabilities, and tiredness levels aren't an issue. I have the financial security to be a sahm so I have more time to myself than if I was working ft. I really wanted to have her though and I wouldn't have a baby I didn't want at any age.

So you’ve spent the past almost 20 years, literally half of your life being responsible for a child.

And now your DC is finally getting to an age where they’re becoming more independent and you can have more freedom and you are thinking about doing it all again - absolutely not!

How much involvement did he have with your DD growing up and is he planning on taking at least 50% of the parenting and everything that comes with it or will you be the default parent?

Op shouldn't even need to do half, she doesn't want another. I am confused by the whole thing. Is op's dh the father of dc1, and wanting his own baby? I don't understand it otherwise. Or is the thread a reverse?

I say go for it - others say you couldn’t cope as you will be peri or menopausal- I have gone peri and menopause and had no symptoms whatsoever - periods just stopped that was it - not everyone has symptoms !

@Cucy He’s done more than 50% for 18 years.

Please don’t do it op..it will be so depressing going back to the start after 18 years. There’s so much more to life.

I had my 2nd at 37 and 3rd at 41 so I’d say of course you’re not too old. But… my eldest wasn’t 18, there’s no way I’d be starting again with a newborn when my 1st was that age! That’s time for you for a few years before grand babies start appearing.

@jerena we have more than enough financial security, I've never had any desire to be a SAHM.

I had not heard that before, so had a bit of a Google. Think this is probably a credible source and looks like e.g. a 10times increase risk of downs syndrome between age 35 and 45 https://evidencebasedbirth.com/advanced-maternal-age/
1 in 353 chance to 1in 35. Appreciate the likelihood lower though at 41/42 years old.

Am interested in understanding more though if you can point me at a source that explains

When your youngest child - (or only one in your case) is 18???

NO. FECKING. WAY!

Why on earth would you even consider this?! Your DH may be wanting a second child, but YOU are the one who will be the main nurturer, and who will have your life upended by it, (and your career...) Women always do. You will also be 60 when said child is still at school. And in your early 40s, the risks to mother and baby are high Just no. Don't do it. DON'T.

IGNORE the poll results. Don't do it!

I am intrigued to understand why your husband wants to do this….

So in some sense you’re being unreasonable not to discuss it with him and unearth whatever is behind what must he quite an unusual change of heart for a man in his 40s with an 18 year old DC. Is he daunted by the freedom of your next chapter in life? Is he worried you’ll leave him if you don’t have a baby fo tie you together? I think you need to find out.

YANBU to not want to have a baby at any age.

I had my last at 43. She is 13 now. Its fine. I think its a personal preference. I didn't feel too old. I had excellent pregnancies. I think it helps you keep young!

@ZippyPeer 80% of babies born with down syndrome are born to mums under 35.

I had my 3rd at 42.

That is highly variable, the sheer toll of it all can age some people alot faster.

@ChippingSoda its because a lot of friends are now having kids I know why he's asking

I had my third at 43 zero issues she is now 17 but what do you want? Really that is the question

Is that just because most mums are under 35 though?

@ZippyPeer a lot of the data is all relative and needs to be looked at a whole in terms of linear percentage.

I think it’s more relevant to think of how you would cope with a disabled child living at home when you are 60-70+ as they would still be fairly young then. Also, how would that affect your daughter and your relationship with them? The main issue is the decline of the father’s sperm quality, is he the same age as you?

@Snoken egg quality decline causes more issues than sperm