Is 41 too old to have a second child

[Rastyopolis]

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

YANBU. You don't want to have another child and therefore it would be very foolish to go ahead and have one to please DP. It's 18+ years forward to think of but you know that. Tell DP he can adopt a cat/dog/turtle or just find another hobby.

@GlitchStitch nope not come up before.

What matters is whether or not you want to, and you don’t.

Does he mean you won’t discuss it, or you won’t keep discussing it indefinitely until he gets his own way?

For me 40 would be too old, I had DC2 at 30 and that has been a lot harder than when I had DC1. I think it depends how you feel because for many people 40 isn’t too old.

I couldn’t imagine starting all over again though when your DC1 is 18. If they were toddler/ pre school age then it would be different.

I am 41 with an 18 year old and a 14 year old.....I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!
After 18 years (so far) of parenting I am more than ready to start taking it a bit easier.
I absolutely would not have another baby now, I don't think I could do it if someone offered me millions of pounds!
If you don't want another baby make sure your contraception is water tight and not something he could tamper with.

I'm the same age as you with an 18 yr old and 15 yr old. There's no way I'd want to start again! Plus I'm enjoying starting to do more 'adult' stuff as part of our relationship. But with us we will have seen out 21 years of full parenting I guess from having our first to the second turning 18. You're talking about the possibility of 36 years+ of full parenting because you've split it in to two. That seems crazy. I'd be way too knackered now and enjoying the start of that freedom.

Your still young but It is too old to have a baby but thats my thoughts.

Think of it this way.
Op your in your 40s with a grown up child you are now responsibility free and have all your freedom back to do what you want your still young.
Baby days are over do you really want to go back to it sleepless nights child care schools cost tantrums etc etc and sign the next 18 year contract.
Its time to put you first now.
Parenting into your 50s maybe 60 them years are yours to enjoy.
You will always be a parent but the freedom of not having to parent anymore.
Go enjoy yourself now you have done your work and devoted the last 18 years of your life let the next 18 plus more be for you.

My mum had my brother at 39, I was 16.

I had a child at 40, now 41, they are 6 months now. Also, have a 6 yr old.

I don't feel too old and I don't care what others think.

If you want another then try, if not don't.

The chance of having a disabled kid go up every year after 35, could you raise a child that needs 24/7 care for the rest of your life?

i also thought you must mean 18 months and was all absolutely not too old if that’s what you want’. But you’ve been parenting for 18 years and are only just free and most importantly YOU DON’T WANT A BABY. Book a fabulous holiday in a luxury hotel and show him this is what child free living is like when you are still young enough to enjoy it.

I had my second a couple of months before I was 42. But I had my first at 38.

Too big an age gap. It's not your age that's the issue here but the age of your existing child.

To be honest I think it’s plain weird having a second child with an 18 year age gap when it’s not a second family / result of infertility presumably

I had a child at 41, but siblings were aged 2 and 3 at the time. So quite a bit different I think.
It’s not too late to try if you both want to, but it may be too late for some women to have a successful pregnancy by now.
It doesn’t sound like you want to though?

Another consideration is that it is statistically much more likely that the child would have some sort of disability or health problems, so it is not just raising a child when you are older and have less energy, but there might be complications beyond that

I don’t think 41 is too old, and I also know people who’ve had children with a very big age gap and had a positive experience. So I don’t think either of those are issues. However, the fact you don’t want another one is obviously a major issue and for that reason alone I don’t think you should do it.

@ZippyPeer statistics are marginal when you look at the data.

It absolutely wouldn’t be for me and I’m 5 years older with young adult kids. Finally being free is the best feeling and being able to hang out with my kids without having a toddler sibling around is invaluable. You’d also be parenting a teenager in your 60s, sounds horrible.

Fuck that!
I'm 44 with ds11 and dd5 and I'm tired.

The way I see it, we have to wait another 13 years til DH, who is 54, and I can start our life together and not have to worry about putting the kids first, baby sitters etc.

No way would I have another now.

If you don't want another baby make sure your contraception is water tight and not something he could tamper with.

Surely not?! 😬 why would anyone be with a person who’d do something like that??

I will say it's exhausting being 50 with a ten year old, think about how knackered you'll be with a young child into your 50s, menopause is hard work and you're not there yet.

Exactly this! My peri symptoms started at about 45, my kid was only in reception/Year 1....

I have a 14 year gap between my no.3 and no.4 (all 4 are DDs)

The no.4 is now 11 and she is so close to all of her sisters it's a beautiful thing to behold. In particular 3 and 4 adore each other.

So the age gap between siblings - not a worry. And to be honest if your eldest is largely disinterested in the baby then so what?

Wrt your own age - it's fine if you want it.
This applies at any age of course, but especially when you are the age you are because it does take a toll later in life and you'll need to be enthusiastic to get through it! It might take a couple of years of trying to fall as well ...

I had my 'big' 3 by the time i was 28 and it was fine having 3 under 5. Different kettle of fish when you are in your 40s i can tell you!!

Yes you're probably more patient, maybe better off financially, worldy wise ect ect. But the birth takes it out of you for longer and the whole thing feels harder.

Is your DH having some kind of midlife crisis? I think the motivation for another baby out of the blue would concern me. What might be a passing phase for him has serious implications for your physical and mental health - he just wouldn't be as affected.

It’s not a question of age, it’s a question of do you want another child or not?
Age wise you are only 5 years older than me and I’m about to have my second…. But I don’t have an 18 year old so it’s not completely starting again for me. I’m still in the trenches battling for survival every day 😂
If you want another child OP, by all means go ahead. But if you don’t then stand your ground. It’s a LOT asking you to give up another 20 years (at least!) of your life when you are just making it out the other side. Perhaps DH is having some kind of crisis with your DC becoming an adult, but it’s pretty naive to think having a baby at 41 is the same experience as having one at 23.
I’ve said before I wish I had been younger when I started my family, but I didn’t meet DH until later and it wasn’t meant to be, because I love being a mum but I just do not have the same energy/resilience- call it what you will- as I did in my 20s.

Maybe plan two weeks of hard partying with DH. Get home at 2am, set an alarm for 6am, go to work everyday and repeat for two weeks, then point out this would be his life for YEARS with another baby.

@Ihaveoflate it’s because a lot of her friends are at this age.