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Original poster

Is 41 too old to have a second child

169 replies

Rastyopolis · 16/03/2025 18:47

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 16/03/2025 19:08

Technically no, you are not too old. I just had my 4th at 42. However if you don't want another child you shouldn't have one, whatever your age

PennyPencils · 16/03/2025 19:09

I am 41, have an 18yo and a 2yo and am trying for a third.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/03/2025 19:09

I wouldn’t have a toddler in my 40s if I could avoid it. With that age gap I wouldn’t bother- raising a whole child again with no sibling benefit - nope

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 16/03/2025 19:11

You did mean your eldest was 18 years old didn't you OP? Not 18 months?

I had my second 3 weeks before my 41st birthday, but my eldest was only just 3! I don't think I'd want to start from scratch again just as my child was becoming an adult. DC are 13 and 16 now, and I'm looking forward to a bit more freedom.

mcmooberry · 16/03/2025 19:11

Agree you'd be mad to do this and I say this as someone who had my DC early 40s, the decline in energy between 45 and 55 has been enormous.

crackofdoom · 16/03/2025 19:11

Well, I did. Ten years on I'm going through the perimenopause and finding it tough going.

Herewegoagain8 · 16/03/2025 19:12

I’m 40 and pregnant with my third but my first two are 5 and 2. I don’t think there’s any way I’d do it in your situation with at least an 18 year age gap. Also pregnancy at 40 is wrecking me, I’m knackered and permanently in pain. It’s a big difference to my other pregnancies and those were in my 30’s not 20’s as yours was.

As pp says you don’t want to and that’s all that really matters here.

GlitchStitch · 16/03/2025 19:12

It would be too old for me, I'm enjoying life in my forties with my kids being a bit older and more independent.

Did you ever discuss having a second child in the past 18 years? It's very bizarre for your husband to suddenly want another one now.

Createausername1970 · 16/03/2025 19:12

Assuming you get pregnant straight away!

You could be 42, 43 or even 44 when you final give birth.

If it was your first, and you were both on board, then fair enough, but with an 18 year (potentially 21 year) age gap between children and one of you is definitely not on board, then it would be madness.

Have a conversation with him about how he envisages himself being the main care giver this time round? What are his plans for nursery/school drop offs etc?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/03/2025 19:13

41 isn't too old to have a baby. If you had a 2-3 year old and wanted a second I'd say go for it. But your daughter is 18 and you don't want one. Those are two good reasons to say no.

PeriPeriMam · 16/03/2025 19:13

This is nothing other than a personal question based on your feelings and circumstances

Is having a second child at 41 too old? Of course not. Would I do it? No, at 41 I had a 17 and 19 year old and was done. Should another 41 year old woman consider it? If she wants to. You don't want to.

Jessica5678 · 16/03/2025 19:14

I’m early forties, my kids were born in my early thirties and my blood runs absolutely cold at the thought of another baby. Absolutely no way would I agree to another child in your situation. I’m quite surprised a man in his early forties with an 18 year old even wants a baby, unless he’s got very rose tinted glasses - who did all the hard work with DC1?

Who is he proposing takes time out of their career to do the parental leave for this baby? Who’s he proposing does night wakings, early mornings with a toddler, nursery sick days, potty training, school runs, running them to activities, school concerts, homework supervision and the rest? Who’s he proposing gives up work if the DC born when you’re over 40 turns out to have significant disabilities?

I’d have one conversation where I listened, sympathised that’s what he wants, told him I absolutely didn’t want that and if it’s so important to him then he needs to find someone else. But I wouldn’t keep rehashing it, what would be the point?

strawlight · 16/03/2025 19:14

Absolutely not a chance I would. There is freedom and light at the end of the parenting tunnel, do not derail the train!!

bridgetreilly · 16/03/2025 19:15

You can have a discussion in which you explain all the reasons why you will not be doing this.

Bitofanchange · 16/03/2025 19:15

Rastyopolis · 16/03/2025 18:47

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

Not unreasonable to have a 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc child at 41.

Totally unreasonable to have an unwanted child at 21, 31,41 or at any age to appease a partner.

PicaK · 16/03/2025 19:16

Came on to say I'm 52 with a 10 year old and live them but my god it's tiring.
Go for it if you want to etc.
But him guilting you into it. No way.

LiveinHarmony · 16/03/2025 19:18

Op, you don't even know you'd conceive, and even if you do you'll be 42/43 when give birth, (depending on how much into 41 you are now). This will mean your dc1 will be about 20. It is a huge age gap, and I don't understand why your dh is feeling this way suddenly? It seems strange to have come out of the blue like this, if he is the father of dc1? Or has this been an issue of contention for years?

Either way age doesn't matter because you're not both on board, so how old you are doesn't even come into it at this point.

Could this thread be a reverse?

crackofdoom · 16/03/2025 19:19

Currently watching the "oldest bird in the world" on a BBC documentary. She is a 67 year old albatross- and she has a newly hatched chick, the latest of 37. I'm feeling for her.....

Missj25 · 16/03/2025 19:19

41 is not too old ..
The biggest part of this story is you do not want to have a baby …
I wouldn’t then ..
Both you & your husband would really want to want this the same , not just one parent wanting it ..
Hope he realises this & doesn’t wreck your head OP !!

Shetlands · 16/03/2025 19:21

What brought this on after 18 years? Why does he want you to be going through pregnancy, child birth and the baby/toddler years now when you're child-free at 41? I'd be questioning his motives to be honest.

Crazybaby123 · 16/03/2025 19:21

Its not too old. But the question is, do you want to do the whole parenting journey again. You could have grandchildren coming in a few years too. Running round a park with a small child is also a lot harder as an older parent. Your parenting journey with your first child you were quite young parents, now you will be quite old parents. Why not talk it through with him and you can talk about the challenges, pros and cons together.

Hankunamatata · 16/03/2025 19:21

You have already done parenting. Menopause and a toddler urgh

Original poster
Rastyopolis · 16/03/2025 19:22

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 16/03/2025 19:11

You did mean your eldest was 18 years old didn't you OP? Not 18 months?

I had my second 3 weeks before my 41st birthday, but my eldest was only just 3! I don't think I'd want to start from scratch again just as my child was becoming an adult. DC are 13 and 16 now, and I'm looking forward to a bit more freedom.

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads yes 18 years old

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 16/03/2025 19:22

I'd be wanting me time. And us time. Lots of traveling and seeing the world. Doing hobbies didn't get a chance. Dirty weekends away.

Original poster
Rastyopolis · 16/03/2025 19:27

Jessica5678 · 16/03/2025 19:14

I’m early forties, my kids were born in my early thirties and my blood runs absolutely cold at the thought of another baby. Absolutely no way would I agree to another child in your situation. I’m quite surprised a man in his early forties with an 18 year old even wants a baby, unless he’s got very rose tinted glasses - who did all the hard work with DC1?

Who is he proposing takes time out of their career to do the parental leave for this baby? Who’s he proposing does night wakings, early mornings with a toddler, nursery sick days, potty training, school runs, running them to activities, school concerts, homework supervision and the rest? Who’s he proposing gives up work if the DC born when you’re over 40 turns out to have significant disabilities?

I’d have one conversation where I listened, sympathised that’s what he wants, told him I absolutely didn’t want that and if it’s so important to him then he needs to find someone else. But I wouldn’t keep rehashing it, what would be the point?

@Jessica5678 DC1 was a fairly even split. He was an officer in army when DC1 was born, I was starting my career in marketing. Inlaws helped out a lot with childcare. They'd not long retired at 55 and with DH being an only child they were keen to help in any way they could.

OP posts: