Is 41 too old to have a second child

[Rastyopolis]

My husband and I have DD 18. He's now wanting a second child. I've said we’re doing we’re done and too old to be going through that again. Apparently I'm being unfair by be unwilling to discuss it.

Excellent post. Having a baby in your early-mid 40s is all well and good (if you can get pregnant!) as many people feel fit and healthy and fine then. But never underestimate how the menopause will fuck you up! You will age a decade in 2-3 years, when you are between the ages of 47 and 52! And having a primary school age child at 50, and a teenager at 60, is NOT something anyone should be aspiring to. Not for their own health and well-being OR that of the child.

@Huckyfell · Today 21:42

Do you want to be taking your kid to school when everyone thinks you are the granny? You'll be much older than the teachers even...
As everyone says, it's your choice.
I'm tired at 50 and my kids are all in their 20s

This. ^ I have known a few people whose parents had them over 40, and everyone thought they were the grandparents when they were at school. Mother 50, child 6, of course people will think this. Wouldn't be for me and I don't think it's fair on the child.

@Huckyfell I’m a 1983 baby and the oldest my mum had me at 41, and I know what it’s like.

Women have always had babies in their early forties.

@Notagreatresult I know

41 is quite old. Having a small child when you're in your 40s. However, you would be almost 60 and have a teenager. The teenage years, as you will know, require you to be switched on. It is the most emotionally demanding period of being a parent and, undoubtedly, the most knackering.

Just when you are getting your lives back? Not a chance! Is he mental?!

is he having a midlife crisis. I’d be terrified he’d get me knocked up, realise the mid life crisis wasn’t about having another baby after all and leave me with the baby. I’ve seen it more than once at work 🤦‍♀️

Too old. I had mine at 38 and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to be older

Most women don't though.

Not too old in My opinion. I had mine at 35 and 40 but it’s caused me health issues. Not sure if that’s age related but you should go in prepared to be higher risk. Don’t regret it but I had 2 traumatic miscarriages in between ds1 and ds2.

I think 41 is too old to have a baby. You'd be mad to have another given the age gap you've got.

Yep this! ^ This exactly. That's why I said, SHE (the mother) will ultimately be the one who will have her life upended if she has a child in her early-mid 40s. NOT her husband.... If she has a baby to appease her husband, and the marriage goes tits up, is he going to take care of the baby/have custody/raise it alone, in his 50s? And 60s??? LOL, like fuck is he. She'll be the one stuck with said child til she's a pensioner.

Has op been back to the thread? I am still dubious that this may be a reverse of some sort.

@BatchCookBabe he actually would. And was main parent for DD despite being an army officer.

@LiveinHarmony

I have been back to the thread if you'd read it you'd see that!

👀

Not now, but historically, without any contraception available?

Totally we were the old mothers, a good 20 years on the primary teachers.
And I don't mean to scare anyone, but 46-52 if you are peri can be really hard, but christ 55-60 has been another level altogether.

Its as if I have aged in my soul and just want to dial down the pressure of being a present, available, full of good advice parent.

I want a quiet life and a bit of peace.
My friends feel the same.
Parenting at 60 is not for the faint hearted, an I have great kids.

When I think back to my decision making to have children in my early 40's I didn't have a breeze and was spectacularly naive.

Don't even go there about the ever present low level anxiety about not being around for them and the disproportionate grief when I hear of serious illness in my wider circle.

I don't have a single peer that doesn't agree with me. Baby stage is not the issue, its 15 years later trying to find the energy to fully be there for them as they deserve.

I have a cousin who had their first at 18 and second at 40 after the oldest left home.

i had my own at 36, 38 & 42.

Everyone is different and it depends if you want the freedom of life without revolving around children.

He was fortunate, lots of soldiers were on deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan 18 years ago.

Listen to his reasons but it’s your choice more than his and I’d say you have to be 100% in for it, more so than at a younger age, because of all the reasons outlined in the thread.

Good grief. I said no, but because the OP doesn’t want another child, not because she’s too old . I had my third at 40 and nobody has ever mistaken me for her granny. I have really enjoyed being her mum.

I agree it’s bloody ridiculous to think she’d be confused got a grandparent unless she looks a very old 41 year old. This isn’t 1950.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous to think that a 50 something mother of a 10 year old might be their grandparent? Obviously, I’d always assume they’re the parent first, just to be polite.

That's going to completely depend where you live. I had my second at 40 (and don't think op should have another as she doesn't want one and there's a massive age gap so essentially starting again) but no one considered me a grandmother because a) my eldest was not old enough and b) it's simply not unusual where I live to have older mothers.

I agree. I would think a 50 year old (who may look younger aswell) would be too young to be the grandmother (disclaimer; obviously there are 50 year old gps, and it is certainly possible). If a 50 year old was the grandparent, it would mean the 10 year old would have been born when they were only 40. This would mean the "gp" would have had to have been a very young Mum, followed by their child being a very young parent. I would think it is more likely, given the increase in women choosing to have their family later, and for a variety of reasons, that the gp is the Mum who had the child at 40. Again it can be the other way around; this is just what I'd think in my head.

Many people seem to have kids into their early 40s (40-44). 45 seems to be the point at which it drops of very steeply. It depends I think on how you feel physically and mentally. Are you physically strong enough to take on all the physical needs of a newborn, toddler etc and the mental toll it takes on you... Only you know your limits. I'd love the idea of a third but I don't think I can subject myself to it all again (and this is in my 36 year old body/mind). Everyone has their own personal limit/cut off