To think DH is a nob

[Ovladie]

Can you tell me if AIBU or if DH is being an nob please.

Every other Sunday I go to the pub quiz with my friends. I get ready at 5pm and go to pick up my friend. DH looks after DD age 6. Before I go I iron her uniform and do her homework with her (school sends a spelling, reading, writing task home every Friday to do for Monday).

Every time DH asks what’s for DD’s tea? I say I don’t know, it’s your night to look after her, I’m busy having a shower. There’s dried pasta, tomatoes, cheese, bread, ham, broccoli, various other ingredients. So then he starts squealing well maybe you should do some DIY (or gardening, or washing the car, or whatever he’s been doing that day) and then I’ll handle DD’s dinner.

AIBU for not feeding her? For context we both work, I’ve cooked for the last 13 nights and this is the only time I go out.

He's a sexist nob. He thinks (but probably realises he's not allowed to say it out loud) that preparing a meal for a child is "women's work" and thus you "owe" him some DIY or emulsioning the stairs or whatever unecessary job because he's making this immense and unmanly sacrifice.

Just keep holding the line on saying: "I don't know what's for DD's tea, it's your job to do it tonight". Rinse and repeat.

One of two things will happen eventually: either he'll get with the programme and realise that its not beyond his capability to boil pasta or put some fish fingers in the oven. Or you will split up. Either scenario is better than the status quo so whatever you do don't play his game.

This Is my life,he’s a dinosaur.knob.Men still see his& hers jobs.it’s rubbish.

It doesn't sound as if he is lazy from what has been posted.

If he's not used to cooking for his daughter he might not "see" meals from what's available.

Really though for once a fortnight he only needs to have 3/4 meals in his head to do though I would have thought.

He really does seem to be pushing against it though & it's surely related to you going out?

This…

You’re a team….. it works well.

Married for 38 years next month and I can recommend it.

If he really does find providing basic sustenance to his own child so stressful maybe he could take the initiative to learn how to cook and/or cope better with stressors.

I had this argument frequently with an ex, who thought that spreading neat tomato puree onto a pre-bought long-life pizza base, and covering it with cheddar and a bit of ham was "cooking". My answer was "it's assembling".
To claim otherwise would have been like him screwing-together a billy bookcase and telling everyone that he's into carpentry.

if he’s getting a kebab he can order a chicken shwama for DD then he doesn’t have to cook.

Everyone is capable of doing the basics such as pasta. Of course it's down to laziness.

It's him trying to exercise control over you. When men make it difficult for you to go out, to socialise, to work, it's a big red flag.
Like cause an 'issue' that you have to deal with to try and poison your fun.

Maybe I'm being a cynical arse, and he just isn't great at cooking dinner for a child? My dad never cooked for me admittedly. We had fish and chips when my mum went out. But that was the 80s?!

You've done nothing wrong and tell him to get takeaway if he CBA to cook. Ignore him distracting you from leaving.

And yet I expect this pathetic excuse for a man still expects you to fancy him and have sex with him. Amazing isn’t it, the level of entitlement.

I have the same OP. A very competent partner who excels in most aspects of life but apparently can’t cook. It really does piss me off when I spend any time to think about it, like now.

I've read this and weighed it over, it's easy to say he's being a knob, but reading between the lines i also think possibly it's that time of the month when the moon shines bright and what you normally put up with is getting under your skin today.
I'm not taking sides but just reading my own take on it.

He is perfectly capable of sorting out your daughter. This is an exercise in control because you are going out. What a knob.

Ask him if, when he became a father, it didn't occur to him that he'd have to feed his child.

He does them at a weekend…you do the cooking all week so he hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

He doesn’t seem to understand what parenting involves does he.

What makes you think a) he'll have her at all or b) won't drop her off at 4pm Sunday, unfed beyond a packet of wotsits and then never be available on a Sunday evening because he's 'got work'?

Slightly off topic: I have a pet theory that widowed dads are in a new relationship within a handful of months of losing their partner because they can't bear the thought of being responsible for feeding a child their tea (dinner) for the next however many years.

Feeding kids is relentless, it has to be thought about and done every day and it can't be skipped. It's the most important bit of largely thankless grunt work that a lot of men feel women should be responsible for.

If you've found a man that loves the responsibility of feeding a child every day then you have a rare treasure.

Trying to shirk it once a fortnight makes your h a nob.

He has a temper tantrum every week beciase he has to make his child a meal?

he sounds like a disappointing little man. Was he always like this? Why did you marry him. Helpless man baby is such an unattractive type.

let me guess - he has a very close relationship with his mother?

Enjoy your much deserved time away from your responsibilities. He is behaving like a man child

Its ok to ask for support. I can imagine OP is in a situation when she is gaslighted into thinking she isnt sure.

I think he needs it pointed out just how much you are picking up, in addition to a ft job, that really ought to be shared. Unless he's coming home from work every evening and doing lots of work in the house, then he hasn't got a leg to stand on! You're working, looking after your child and then working some more, to make up your hours - ask him why he feels entitled to work fewer hours in the week than you do. Because childcare is work too!
As for weekends, while he's been doing DIY, you've been ironing and doing homework and catching up on your job. I honestly think he needs to be reminded because a lot of what you are doing, he isn't seeing or recognising as actual work.
Geing called selfish because I expected my child's father to actually parent her occasionally, would give me the absolute rage.

Depends. It sounds like he's a knob from your op but in this situation I do tell DH what's for DC's tea. Usually something he only has to reheat, or something really easy like beans on toast. That's because we've agreed that I do all the cooking and food shopping and he does all the washing up and various other things to balance that.

Tell him he can make her dinner then other 13 days and you'll do it the one night you are going out. What a tool.

Is he capable of making a ham and cheese sandwich with some cherry 🍅 on the side? A yoghurt for dessert and meal sorted. Not saying it's optimal for every night but it's a good enough meal every once in a while with all food groups covered.