Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

Are the gifts for you or for others? If he’s already got something for his mum, he needs to get in the bin.

No way! That is so incredibly shit of him! 😡
I'm glad you've told him to leave you alone and I hope the idiot stays away. Even if he came up with a perfect gift now, he's still hurt you and he can't undo that. So sorry

I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a little similar with my other half but on a lessor event. I told him it was too late and he respected that. He has since completely upped his game.

I know others have said give your DP another chance but I don’t know that I could. The difference with your situation is that it had all been discussed in advance what you’d like to do etc and it had all been ignored. I just don’t see how a grown adult couldn’t realise that could cause upset. I understand that maybe he felt there was a pressure to live up to the hype around the day but surely doing something even if it doesn’t turn out right is better than nothing.

Sending hugs as it sounds like you’ve been through a lot recently.

This just proves he can do it, he just didn't want to. Which makes it's worse, deliberate and uncaring.

Give yourself the best gift you'll ever get. The chance to find someone who does care about you. Or just life without this cruel man.

OP, I am so, so sorry. The thought of you alone at the pottery class on your 50th birthday is just heartbreaking. I would have come with you!! And I bet all of Mumsnet would have!! 💖

You don't have to settle for this utter shit, you know. You really don't. He's upset you on an incredibly special day, a day you should be cherished and celebrated. You'd be so much better off single than in a "relationship" like this. Ignore crazy posts telling you to forgive him or give him the benefit of the doubt. There is no excuse whatsoever for this.

I think the best guide in a relationship is to pay attention to how the person makes you feel. Don't continue because you've invested time or because sometimes, he makes you laugh, etc. Judge the relationship by its worst times. What's the point of the good stuff if he can do this, too? No relationship should hurt this much for no reason or make you feel this bad, when you have done nothing to deserve it.

He's just another rubbish man who doesn't deserve the gift of having a partner.

So sorry he’s hurt you so much, OP. The whole situation sounds bizarre.

It’s one thing to forget or be generally useless, but to have talked it up and made all these suggestions and promises, then not even bothered to get you a card - it’s just weird.

He’s obviously contrite and understands how badly he’s fucked up, but I appreciate why this is hard for you to come back from. As @PeggyMitchellsCameo said, if the gifts he’s pre-bought and stored are for other people, that would be it for me.

OP’s partner is not in his 20s - I don’t think that your logic makes sense here. And given that he was able to sort gifts well before Mother’s Day and Easter, and bring them to OP’s place rather than keeping them at his, he is clearly capable of being organised when he wants to be. Overthinking is one thing, but the absence of even a card is so disappointing. What would constitute a ‘proper apology’ here?

I just got that! 😂😂😂

If only.

I don’t care much for birthdays I have to say. I would usually only expect a small gift or lunch out. However having read your thread and the circumstances I don’t blame you for being annoyed. Zero marks for effort from your dp. He should have tried to make you feel a bit special at least.

So, PPs having the emotional intelligence to understand how OP feels and empathising with her would make her feel worse, would it? Have you ever thought how the person you let down felt? You should still cringe about it. And suggesting OP should forgive this man just because you've behaved like him shows you've learned nothing from your own cringe-worthy behaviour. It was her 50th and after all his BS he didn't even buy her a card FFS! 🙄

OP, how old are your children? Did they get you cards/presents?

So sorry you had a shot birthday because of your BF. The problem is that he promised you better after your last birthday was a ‘last minute, thoughtless gift’ so he’s on his second chance already and did the grand sum of fuck all. To forgive him now just gives him the green light for years if disappointing you.

when I started to date my now dh, he was utterly shit on my first birthday, he knew I was upset (probably our first hurdle as a couple), and since then he’s been amazing, probably better than me at birthdays. This is what should have happened after ‘last minute voucher gate’ for you.

I agree with pp that you’ve left one awful relationship, to a slightly less than awful relationship. You deserve so much better. Give yourself a belated birthday gift of freedom from mediocre relationships

Is your DH so "truly hopeless" that he wouldn't even buy you a card without instruction on which one to buy?

@wherethewildrosesgrow Thinking of you OP and hoping that your return to work today will, at least, be a distraction for your thoughts. Whether or not you tell any colleagues about his reprehensible behaviour is your decision, but I'm certain, should you do so, you will receive the same understanding and empathy as you have on here. Sending BIG hugs. 🤗

I hope you took the £1000 on your way out!

The Mother’s Day and Easter gifts are for his Mother and his nephew and cousin

Happy birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow. A St Patrick’s Day birthday - extra special!

Don’t let his inadequacies make you doubt yourself. You sound amazing and you have built a brilliant life for you and your children. Only you can decide if he deserves to share that with you.

Treat the whole year as a birthday celebration. Book the cruise and the restaurant and bring your family and friends. Don’t let him taint them for you.

Nor do understand it one bit, he's intelligent, and normally so well aware of other peoples feelings.
Just not mine it seems.

Well that's the killer blow. No coming back from that.

I am so upset for you. You deserve better op. 💐💐💐

What did he do for valentines? If he has been in a long relationship before I bet this is how he treated her, the card and the words for me mean so much, and you waking up with nothing, horrible

That is even worse then.

I think it's a severe case of taking you absolutely for granted, sadly.

This is unforgivable in my book. He was already on his second chance. This is how it’s going to be, year in year out, if you stay. You’ve already had one useless fucker in your life - no need to swap him for another.

(On of the apologists here...) I'm sorry this turned out do badly - I'm sorry your important day was sacrificed. I'm not sorry you saw his true colours. He couldn't bring himself to make you feel special for just one day. He won't have known you wouldn't take the £1k, but I think you will find your refusal a source of strength many times again over the course of your life. We do make concessions later in life and compromise more than we would have done when we were younger, but this was much too much. A horrid experience, but so much future pain saved. You may use that dish after all - I have an EB jug I painted at a hen do I dragged myself to in the middle of a breakdown - I write the absolute truth. It has pride of place because it represents strength.

Well then there is nothing wrong with his cognition.
And leaving those gifts at your house knowing he’d got you absolutely nothing.
The £1000 was an insult when you asked for binoculars. It’s a power play which didn’t work.
You deserve better. He clearly had no intentions of doing anything for you.
You sound like such a lovely person. Go and live a great life with your children and family.