Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

Did he buy them while with you, i.e. can only buy gifts with your encouragement?

I’m so sorry he let you down so badly. He’s over promised and massively underdelivered. Not even a card FFS. It’s worse than last year!

And then the most infuriating thing of all. When asked for an explanation, which gives the chance for him to take some accountability or show he’s learn something - just “I don’t know”. So infuriating. That was my ex’s go-to and it used to irritate the shit out of me. He does know - he’s thoughtless and doesn’t care enough.

Well done for giving yourself the best day you could, even though the pottery was bitter-sweet. What you did for yourself is a metaphor for your way forward. So I’d put that plate on display to remind yourself of your worth. The Jorges Luis Borges poem, “You Learn”, comes to mind:

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…

With every good-bye you learn.

I had a lousy boyfriend many years ago. It took me a while to realise I was better off on my own and not being let down by someone who should have had my back. I met dh 3 years later when I wasn’t expecting it.

💐💐

I think you have done the right thing OP. I actually think that the fact he future faked and made such a big deal about asking you what you wanted to do and telling you to buy a dress etc. months in advance was cruel and manipulative. He was ensuring that you would feel as crap as possible on your big day as he had built you up to knock you down and embarrass you. I could never forgive that.

The OP did all of that-read her posts.

And nobody is “hopeless” at these things. It’s just that a lot of men are let off the hook by their partners who are prepared to settle for less than they deserve. Thankfully the OP is not one of those women.

Could your husband tell his boss he was “hopeless” at something and just refuse to do it? No, but he can tell you that because you will accept that behaviour.

Wow. Just wow. I'm so angry for you right now OP. (I'd really like to punch him into the other end of next week for you. 😡)

I don't want to upset you op but I actually think there is something very off, premeditated and even sinister in setting someone up for months the way he did.

All the lies and pure deliberate deception of you to then totally let you down and ruin your day.

That takes huge effort on his part.
I would be very nervous of someone being such a deliberate liar.

I don't believe his behaviour is in any way normal.
Then other gifts sitting in your home for others?

I am glad he is out of your house.
He wanted to cause you maximum hurt.
Do not allow him near you or your children again.
I am so sorry.

I think that even if one wants to forgive, a massive insult like that changes the relationship permanently. I remember an ex who was enmeshed with mummy chose to go to a family gathering with her rather than celebrate my 40th with me. I didn't immediately end it because I convinced myself I didn't care. But it was the beginning of the end. Even if you're not sentimental, the snub eats away at you.

I’m so sorry, I was really hoping he’d pull it out of the bag. You can only go by his actions and his words ‘I don’t know’ are an inadequate explanation. Well done you for standing up for yourself. You really do deserve better. I know you must be very hurt and I’m sorry.

Dear @wherethewildrosesgrow
It really doesn't matter about saving face if others ask what you did / what you got for your birthday. BUT you can say "I got a shock, and I took charge of my life". We are all proud of you.

It may be that you continue a relationship with him but on your terms (set clear expectations of shared emotional work). Or it may be that he is thrown back into the sea and you eventually try a new improved model.

Good luck with the rest of your life & kudos for not putting up with crap and seething internally.

I agree with this. I see this behaviour in my FIL. He'll make generous offers that he doesn't follow through on because he loves the feeling of DH and the DC showering him in thanks and praise and the ease of making them happy in that moment with his empty words. For him that is job done. I clocked on to it pretty early and I don't respond in any way to his offers. If DH goes "Isn't that great?!" in front of FIL, I'll be very non committal.

The one that rankled the most was when DS joined the cubs or beavers and I was very very stretched for money. I decided to buy the minimum uniform I could get away with - top and necker. FIL then made all his fake offers. DS was of course delighted and DH couldn't understand my reluctance to go back and pick up belt, trousers/ shorts, special woggle etc etc. I said I'll get them if he gives me the money first. DH was upset that I didn't trust his dad. I relented bought all the bells and whistles and guess what the money only came through when I made DH march FIL to a cashpoint months later. Same for Christmases, birthdays, everything. Always funded by me until I finally put my foot down.

Low value, exasperating posts like this not only undo all the good empathy/advice/experience offered the OP
but devalue our input when actually your opinion here runs counter
to the good work so many thoughtful kind caring considerate posters
have taken the time to elucidate, then you come in with this offering,
showing your low bar, interpersonal relationship skills and feeble advice.

Why should someone accept that standard?

That bar is so low it's on the floor. Pick it up and hold yourself and others to higher standards than that.

@wherethewildrosesgrow

Happy birthday!!

I've just read all your updates with an increasing level of disbelief & anger on your behalf! Your partner (hopefully now ex partner?) is an absolute twat!! Utter, utter prick. So sorry you had such a shit birthday. It's even worse that he promised to make an effort & then didn't even do anything whatsoever - not even a card or flowers & an afterthought cake that you don't even like?? After 4yrs of being together??

I'd put the stuff he's bought for other people (?!) out on the doorstep, change the locks & message him to tell him he's dumped! Walk away with your head held high - you deserve better than someone who so clearly cares so little about you. There are much, much better men out there.

Good luck. X

I’m sorry - it is not hard to present a bloody birthday card to someone on the morning of their 50th birthday. Shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour. All the supposed ‘paralysis’ in the world doesn’t excuse that one simple step he could have made.

The fact he doesn’t know why he’s done it baffles me, he doesn’t really have an explanation either. What is he like in general with you?

words cost nothing - ancient Scottish truism

He has taken you for granted and hasn't bothered his backside. Well done for not tolerating it. I couldn't either.

If he had tried and it was something you weren't that keen on then it would be different. But not even the basics of a card and something to open is beyond thoughtless. You deserve a lot more.

She did. At least read all the op’s posts before commenting.

Do you live together? Time to go separate ways if not.

I’m afraid it’s a classic case of taking you for granted. Doesn’t matter to him, because you don’t matter much to him. Sorry.

I never think things are black or white and I always try and see the other side of the story.

But I cannot fathom why he wouldn’t just pick you up even a cheap box of chocolates or card on the way home from work the day before.

I’m not married but I have a child and I’ve never not got her anything for her birthday.
Even when I’ve been skint and so busy, I have always remembered to try and make it special.
Of course kids birthdays are more important but you know that your loved ones birthday is coming up and it does not take much to buy a card or book a meal, especially if money isn’t a big issue.

I’m so sorry he has been so selfish.

Is he very insecure and only feels validated when he upsets you because if you’re upset it means you care about him?
could he be jealous of you and trying to ruin things for you?
whatever it is, there is some emotional immaturity/ absence and from what you’ve put here, he needs to do a lot of work on himself, nothing will change overnight, it’s not for you to fix him and I think you should bail and end the relationship- it’s doing you no good.
all the while his behaviour undermines him and your ability to trust or depend on him. How would he be in an emergency or if you or dc were really ill? He sounds like a chocolate teapot

Right. So, he is capable of buying gifts for others. He’s well prepared and able to buy them in advance but all he did for you is talk about how you’ll have the same consideration he gives to others, yet didn’t actually give a shit.

He just wanted brownie points and kudos by giving it the big talk and took no steps to actually do any of it.

I’m furious for you OP & I’m so pleased you’ve ended it. No more let downs xx

Oh God, yours and @RawBloomers posts have highlighted for me this behaviour in someone I know of who is a classic narcissist. I've never really thought about this aspect of his behaviour before, but it's exactly what he does - promises the world and delivers absolutely nothing (or, maybe, something tiny if he's repeatedly challenged!). And it's so, SO upsetting for the people he makes his empty promises to when they are repeatedly disappointed. Good for you for recognising and not indulging your FIL's BS! 😃