Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

it sounds to me, cruel and sadistic - the money and cake were a blind, you were never going to have the money and he would know you wouldn’t want the cake.

This is so sad OP, I really feel for you. You deserve much better than this - don't settle for it. In a few days time, pick yourself up, put on some nice new clothes, have your hair done and sail out to face the world as the confident new you. That will include permanently erasing this useless loser from your life. You can and should do so much better. Don't settle for anything less than being adored.

For my 40th dh got me a necklace from a catalogue I chose myself.. A catalogue he got against my better judgement... He was a crap with money. Paid for with joint money.
He got a new Xbox game as apparently it wasn't fair my birthday was all about me. Sulked until our afternoon tea guests had left... He gamed. I went to bed in tears alone at 9pm. I threw him out before I was 41...
I cried solid for 2 weeks - at the shop. At the school gate. In bed..
Then the cloud of shock lifted.
And life was bloody great!!
Await your light bulb moment op.
Good things await you.

OP this is your thread title Shall I just get up and go out?

You did, because you knew........and I'm sorry but you were so right. Do not underestimate your intuition here and actually how powerful this is. It is shit, but life is sometimes. Stick to your instincts...ditch...big girls pants...move on xxx

Oh, man, really feel your disappointment. I'd advise you to not make a hasty decision to finish with him unless you have already decided to, but do give yourself some space. Don't see him for a bit - see if you miss him, if missing him knocks the disappointment of this big birthday back a bit.

I hate he's made you feel this way - he knew it was important to you, you'd had conversations about it, you'd made suggestions which he'd said weren't big enough, and then did ... nothing, apart from go to a cash point when it hit home you were upset, and bought a cake from the supermarket. Too little too late.

Bit of time, bit of space, bit of personal reflection. And if work ask how your week was consider being truthful rather than try to cover or lie. This is on him, not you - it's a reflection on him, not you.

Oh, love. I'm so sorry he really was as shit as you feared. So impressed by how you handled it. Pathetic, and cruel to have bigged it all up for a year before letting you down so spectacularly.

Big hugs from here too. So many of us have been in your shoes. Well done for kicking his sorry arse out, I hope he stays out. X

So sorry to read your update. You really do deserve better. I think you would be happier alone than with someone who makes you feel so disappointed and unimportant.

Why didn't you just say where you'd like to go? If you'd told him a couple of weeks ago that you'd decided on a venue for dinner, do you think he would have booked it?

I'm very quite exacting, so my husband would be apprehensive about booking a surprise meal. He's happy to organise though, once I've made clear what/where I want (and what I want is to choose the exact venue, much as I'd like him to read my mind 😂).

I'm playing devil's advocate, but some people are truly hopeless at this type of thing. We all want to be spoiled and surprised, but sometimes it's better to manage expectations? (and just tell them straight).

She had been telling him things she'd like to do. He had been saying don't worry the day will be all about you and will be really special.

It's not her responsibility to make him come good on his promises, put her first, and use his brain for once.

He never had any intention of giving her a wonderful birthday so it was always an outright lie to test the waters to see how shit he can be and get away with it.

Thank God OP enforced her boundaries and told him where to go.

I hope the OP keeps doing things like pottery or other classes that follow her interests and I hope OP finds friends or connections there worth nurturing more than that sack of excrement man.

I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).

Literally in the original post at the top of this thread.

Oh come on.... that's taking the mickey.

That usually comes with something like ADHD and guess what?

I have ADHD and I plan way before and not only that, I follow through on my word and always make a fuss of my loved ones.

Decision paralysis is stuff on like knowing which task to start first like the laundry or at work, not this shit.

I'm tired of people giving excuses for bad behaviour. He talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk. Now he gets to walk out of ops life!

Happy birthday to you op. I'm sorry this idiot didn't pull through for you but you're worth a 100 of him. Just remember it's no reflection on you.

I may be way off beam here, but this kind of thing happens with people who are a bit...drama loving (I hesitate to say Narcissistic).

They deliberately fuck up so they can "make it up to you" and put on a big show.
Well done for not going along with this game.

I would seriously finish with him over this, it's not a trivial matter, not at all.

I just think it's best, in a relationship, to over communicate if anything (rather than leave any doubt). That said, it does seem very strange that he wouldn't even buy her a card! And yes, he could've firmed up what she wanted and organised it.
It actually sounds as though he's maybe checked/is checking out of the relationship.

What he did was very calculated and cruel.

He said he knew he’d fucked up, and he’d put it right.

The only answer to that is 'Yeah, you said that last year about this one. Remind me how well you did on Sunday, I don't seem to be able to remember anything special. Or in fact anything at all'

Bloody hell, seriously? He wanted a present for himself on your birthday?!
So very glad he is an ex and that you are happy now!

I'm sorry OP. It does sound quite narcissistic, that he wanted to look good when making all the overly generous promises, without actually putting in the work.

You seem very down to earth, you're clearly not being greedy for gifts - you just wanted a man who kept hyping up his promises to actually keep his word.

I think you're making the right choice.

im so very sorry. I don’t have an explanation, and I know it hurts - and it’s so insulting and heartbreaking that the one person who should value you the most treats you as if you’re worth the least.
For me it was my husband. I thought (mistakenly) that because he was a Navy pilot - the kind that lands jets on aircraft carriers - that would make up for everything else that he was lacking.
It didn’t. It never does.

The more I think about it, the more it hurts, even the cake, butter cream and white chocolate, two things I dislike, and I’m sure there was more than one option in the shop.
Also I’ve just remembered, he’s already bought Easter gifts, and Mother’s Day gifts, which are currently being stored in my kitchen!

If he’s already bought Easter and Mother’s Day gifts, that must sting and proves this isn’t about decision paralysis as suggested a few posts back. I can understand why you’re feeling so sad and why this is probably the end for you. So sorry he’s made you feel this way. You’re worth so much more.

I'm so sorry OP.

Fwiw, you sound like an absolute warrior. You have dealt with all this with dignity, I read all your posts. Sorry you had to put up with that on your 50th. It really really hurts when you are asking for so little!! And you made it so clear to him.

I'm 38 and my husband never remembers to do anything in advance of my birthday. My 38th was an improvement on previous ones though. I'm already planning a holiday with friends for my 40th. He may or may not be coming, depending how my 39th goes!

I feel for you op, but I think you should allow yourself to forgive him if he apologies properly. Sometimes when i really want to do something special i overthink it and do nothing. I can imagine being him- in fact I remember doing something similar when i was in my 20s. I wanted it to be such a brilliant birthday present I just kind of collapsed and didn’t get anything together. I still cringe when I think of it. I hope you’re ok you have been through a lot and you seem very sad. Maybe all the responses on here have made you feel worse? xxx

@MyPeachSnake Your last post was deleted by MN and I've just reported your repeat of it. Don't be so rude and disrespectful to the OP by clogging up her thread with your irrelevant advertising.