Page 30 | Shall I just get up and go out?

wherethewildrosesgrow · 2025-03-16T09:50:28+00:00

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway. Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’. I’m going to surprise you. Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc. I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive). He said he was making notes for my birthday. Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday. He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special! Nothings planned is it? Ive got no gifts. The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero. Ditto to any hairdressers. I bet he won’t even make me a brew! We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years. I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not. Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member. Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides. But to plan NOTHING? AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

sposabagnata · 20/03/2025 21:23

He is awful. I am so sorry but I am so glad that you see that you deserve much, much better.

shrinkingthiswinter · 20/03/2025 21:25

I'm so sorry and wish you the best for whatever decision you make. You are worth far more than that. It sounds like he's realizing you are, perhaps too late.

SussexLass87 · 20/03/2025 21:27

wherethewildrosesgrow · 20/03/2025 20:29

Hi all,
sorry for the late reply, thank you all for your Birthday wishes, and all the support.
So many of you have said kind words.
Its been a rough couple of days.
Some of the things I’ve read have really hit home, I do think I may have settled for shit, just because it was an upgrade on what I was used to.
It didn’t go well, there was nothing at all planned, no cards presents no suprises.
The EB pottery session was good, but I felt so alone and struggled to concentrate, think I’ll struggle to use the dish I painted, I felt a bit out of place watching all the other little groups enjoying their morning.
I got home to DP at the table with £1000 in cash, offering to buy me whatever I wanted and book us a weekend away.
I graciously refused both, as it really was all just too late, I explained that all I really wanted was him,us, together for the day, then something with us all together in the evening.
He said he knew he’d fucked up, and he’d put it right.
It was then pretty much time to collect the children, I took them some clothes in the car, and we got changed and had a lovely pub meal, just us.
When I returned home, put the children to bed, he brought out a supermarket cake and candles, it was 9pm, I just burst into tears.
Whats the point of a cake and candles at that time of night when the kids are in bed?
He spent the night on the sofa, and spoke again once the children were at school.
He spoke again about putting it right, I’ve told him he cannot, my birthday has gone, finished,
you cannot get it back.
I went out with my sister the day after, and I asked him not to be there when I got back.
All day I kept playing things he’d said about my birthday, I remembered, he’d even promised to bake me a cake himself.
i didn’t say anything to my sister, I just don’t think I could stand it all at the min.
I got home and he was still there, I got a bit angry at this point, and asked WHY? He didn’t have an explanation, he didn’t forget, he had remembered all of the things I mentioned, even all of the extra stuff he’d said, on top of what I’d mentioned myself.
I asked why he hadn’t got a card, he didn’t know.
He said money wasn’t the issue, he wasn’t feeling overwhelmed or depressed, as some posters had suggested.
He just didn’t know.
I told him how much it hurts, how embarrassed I feel (even though nobody knows),he was profoundly sorry, but I just feel it can’t be rectified.
He left soon after, and I turned off my phone, and shut the door, I’ve only gone out for school runs.
It fucking stings so badly, I just don’t want to go out of the door and face the world, and I’m due back in work tomorrow.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. This is utterly shit and you deserved so much more.

Can you talk to your sister? You sound so sad and maybe some real life support would help?

CanOfMangoTango · 20/03/2025 21:28

I'm so sorry. Your feelings are totally valid. Take all the time you need to decide where you go from here x

harriethoyle · 20/03/2025 21:29

I’m really sorry @wherethewildrosesgrow - take good care of yourself

Jollyhockeystickss · 20/03/2025 21:30

wherethewildrosesgrow · 20/03/2025 20:29

Hi all,
sorry for the late reply, thank you all for your Birthday wishes, and all the support.
So many of you have said kind words.
Its been a rough couple of days.
Some of the things I’ve read have really hit home, I do think I may have settled for shit, just because it was an upgrade on what I was used to.
It didn’t go well, there was nothing at all planned, no cards presents no suprises.
The EB pottery session was good, but I felt so alone and struggled to concentrate, think I’ll struggle to use the dish I painted, I felt a bit out of place watching all the other little groups enjoying their morning.
I got home to DP at the table with £1000 in cash, offering to buy me whatever I wanted and book us a weekend away.
I graciously refused both, as it really was all just too late, I explained that all I really wanted was him,us, together for the day, then something with us all together in the evening.
He said he knew he’d fucked up, and he’d put it right.
It was then pretty much time to collect the children, I took them some clothes in the car, and we got changed and had a lovely pub meal, just us.
When I returned home, put the children to bed, he brought out a supermarket cake and candles, it was 9pm, I just burst into tears.
Whats the point of a cake and candles at that time of night when the kids are in bed?
He spent the night on the sofa, and spoke again once the children were at school.
He spoke again about putting it right, I’ve told him he cannot, my birthday has gone, finished,
you cannot get it back.
I went out with my sister the day after, and I asked him not to be there when I got back.
All day I kept playing things he’d said about my birthday, I remembered, he’d even promised to bake me a cake himself.
i didn’t say anything to my sister, I just don’t think I could stand it all at the min.
I got home and he was still there, I got a bit angry at this point, and asked WHY? He didn’t have an explanation, he didn’t forget, he had remembered all of the things I mentioned, even all of the extra stuff he’d said, on top of what I’d mentioned myself.
I asked why he hadn’t got a card, he didn’t know.
He said money wasn’t the issue, he wasn’t feeling overwhelmed or depressed, as some posters had suggested.
He just didn’t know.
I told him how much it hurts, how embarrassed I feel (even though nobody knows),he was profoundly sorry, but I just feel it can’t be rectified.
He left soon after, and I turned off my phone, and shut the door, I’ve only gone out for school runs.
It fucking stings so badly, I just don’t want to go out of the door and face the world, and I’m due back in work tomorrow.

He didn't make an effort coz he didn't want to and he thought he would get away with it, he's probably never made an effort in any relationship, your birthday is all about you and he wasn't having that as life is all about him, classic control and manipulation... see I ignored your birthday so.i win the game, he gets off on upsetting you and not allowing you your special day, to not get you a card says it all, how dare he treat you like that,

ShinyClouds · 20/03/2025 21:32

Oh, @wherethewildrosesgrow that’s truly pants. You sound so lovely too.

TheWildZebra · 20/03/2025 21:38

wherethewildrosesgrow · 20/03/2025 20:29

Hi all,
sorry for the late reply, thank you all for your Birthday wishes, and all the support.
So many of you have said kind words.
Its been a rough couple of days.
Some of the things I’ve read have really hit home, I do think I may have settled for shit, just because it was an upgrade on what I was used to.
It didn’t go well, there was nothing at all planned, no cards presents no suprises.
The EB pottery session was good, but I felt so alone and struggled to concentrate, think I’ll struggle to use the dish I painted, I felt a bit out of place watching all the other little groups enjoying their morning.
I got home to DP at the table with £1000 in cash, offering to buy me whatever I wanted and book us a weekend away.
I graciously refused both, as it really was all just too late, I explained that all I really wanted was him,us, together for the day, then something with us all together in the evening.
He said he knew he’d fucked up, and he’d put it right.
It was then pretty much time to collect the children, I took them some clothes in the car, and we got changed and had a lovely pub meal, just us.
When I returned home, put the children to bed, he brought out a supermarket cake and candles, it was 9pm, I just burst into tears.
Whats the point of a cake and candles at that time of night when the kids are in bed?
He spent the night on the sofa, and spoke again once the children were at school.
He spoke again about putting it right, I’ve told him he cannot, my birthday has gone, finished,
you cannot get it back.
I went out with my sister the day after, and I asked him not to be there when I got back.
All day I kept playing things he’d said about my birthday, I remembered, he’d even promised to bake me a cake himself.
i didn’t say anything to my sister, I just don’t think I could stand it all at the min.
I got home and he was still there, I got a bit angry at this point, and asked WHY? He didn’t have an explanation, he didn’t forget, he had remembered all of the things I mentioned, even all of the extra stuff he’d said, on top of what I’d mentioned myself.
I asked why he hadn’t got a card, he didn’t know.
He said money wasn’t the issue, he wasn’t feeling overwhelmed or depressed, as some posters had suggested.
He just didn’t know.
I told him how much it hurts, how embarrassed I feel (even though nobody knows),he was profoundly sorry, but I just feel it can’t be rectified.
He left soon after, and I turned off my phone, and shut the door, I’ve only gone out for school runs.
It fucking stings so badly, I just don’t want to go out of the door and face the world, and I’m due back in work tomorrow.

I’m so sorry your day was like this OP. I really hope others including your sis made you feel special. It’s really no way to treat someone you love. :(

I don’t know if it helps but my ex fiancé pulled this exact same stunt, and even after months of therapy together he couldn’t explain it. He just wallowed in self pity about how “terrible” he was (making it about him). Very happily moved on without him, the stress and anxiety in your stomach you can feel when someone isn’t attentive to your basic emotions really isn’t something you need in life. It’s too short! All the best and big hugs xx

DorothyStorm · 20/03/2025 21:42

DDDSSF223 · 20/03/2025 20:41

He sounds a complete nutter - he knew what he had promised, bigged himself and his ideas up for months - and ends up he didnt even get you a card.

Yet puts £1000 on the table and a card and cake at 9pm ?

That is just nuts.

If have taken the £1k before telling him to leave. Arsehole.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 20/03/2025 21:46

I'm so sorry @wherethewildrosesgrow
He either wanted to make sure you knew that you don't ever come first and likely never will, or he forgot and the money and supermarket cake were a last minute attempt to save the situation (literally throwing money at the problem)!
I'm glad you had a nice tea with your children and that you've drawn a line in the sand to give yourself some time to heal and mull things over.

Fioratourer · 20/03/2025 21:47

Op I think it’s so easy to settle for ok when you’ve been in something so shit. You have shown him you know your worth. If you have good work friends maybe tell them and have a moan it could be good to get it out of your system. Onwards and upwards even if it doesn’t feel great right now.

treesandsun · 20/03/2025 21:47

You have done amazingly well - sorting something out yourself and going out with the kids instead of just putting up with it. Showing him you won't tolerate that type of shit is strong because I guess it would be easier to try and let it go but why should you? I think the most galling part is not only the complete lack of effort but the year long bullshitting he did about it.

glittereyelash · 20/03/2025 21:55

I'm so sorry it all turned out so shit what a dissapointment 😪. You have nothing to feel ashamed about this is all on him. You acted with dignity and grace and didn't just accept his last minute half hearted attempts. Give yourself time you will recover from this. Mind yourself.

mommatoone · 20/03/2025 22:05

I'm so sorry it turned out like this OP. It must hurt like crazy. My old ma always told me - 'if they wanted to,they would' . I hope that doesn't upset you,but I firmly believe it. Take a bit of time for yourself now and what you want to happen moving forward. Be kind to yourself. Wishing you lots of luck x

ohfourfoxache · 20/03/2025 22:06

He’s an absolute shit. But to find that out at a time when you should be celebrating is really difficult

It won’t feel like it now, but maybe he’s given you the best gift of all - showing you who he truly is. You’ve been given time back instead of wasting it on someone who only claims to love you x

Tgfh · 20/03/2025 22:12

OP, of course you are upset but he is a waste of space.
I think all of the promises and endless talk about it is so deeply offensive and unforgivable.
Sadly i do think you have settled for something a little less awful, but still absolutely shit.
He doesn't deserve you.
He simply isn't good enough.
I know you feel sad but better that you know.

This is on him, just a selfish lazy loser that doesn't deserve you.
Better he is gone.

Isthisit22 · 20/03/2025 22:18

Sorry that this has happened to you. Please don’t let this make you think you are not worth any better. This is all about him being a useless selfish prick and nothing to do with your true worth. In a few years time you will look back at this and see it as a push to a new life away from him and hopefully happy with a fully functioning adult male. 💐

ShriekingTrespasser · 20/03/2025 22:24

This behaviour is so odd. Promising you a wonderful birthday then not doing a thing. It sounds really vindictive and very much intentional.
He wanted to bring you down from a high and make you feel low.
Im sorry you had to go through this. Some men really are nasty.

RawBloomers · 20/03/2025 22:32

ShriekingTrespasser · 20/03/2025 22:24

This behaviour is so odd. Promising you a wonderful birthday then not doing a thing. It sounds really vindictive and very much intentional.
He wanted to bring you down from a high and make you feel low.
Im sorry you had to go through this. Some men really are nasty.

Unless he has form for raining on her parade normally, I’m not so sure about this. To me it seems more like someone who just can’t really be arsed to do anything that isn’t all about him. Talking the talk works because he gets instant good feedback, all he has to do is say words. He’s a part the conversation, the focus is on what he’s going to do. But actually doing anything - even getting a card - requires him spending some time and effort thinking about wherethewild when the light isn’t on him. He won’t get any praise until later and even then, the point isn’t abut him having been great, it’s about wherethewild’s birthday. In the end his big gesture was just to put money on the table - so he’s part of the focus - and a cake, which he would presumably get to eat too, after the kids have gone to bed (because the kids would take away more of the focus).

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/03/2025 22:39

@wherethewildrosesgrow that’s such a shame I’m sorry.
He did it because he thought he could get away with not being arsed and you would just accept it.

You so deserve better just let it fizzle now . Ignore him untill he doesn’t matter anymore .
Block him and focus on getting over him and what he did.
Make being 50 the time the tide changes.
No more let downs from a man.

Notascoobie · 20/03/2025 22:44

Just a message to show support as I found myself crying when I read your post about the evening and the supermarket cake at 9. Well done you for being firm. I know it will hurt though. But you told him what you would
like, he told you all the things he wanted to do etc and then... nothing. It's just disrespectful and not how you treat someone you love.

TwinklySquid · 20/03/2025 22:47

He had the money and means- he just didn’t think you were Important enough to make an effort.
But you are. You’ve had a rough time and should be with someone who can’t wait to make you smile and goes out of their way to make you happy.

The stringing along was cruel and unneeded. I feel this would be it for me.

LAMPS1 · 20/03/2025 22:48

I’m sorry you have had to deal with this confusion and disappointment OP.

There’s a genuine condition called analysis/decision paralysis.
It’s worth you googling it just to see if it makes sense of what has happened over your birthday.
It seems he really wanted to please you and in his head, he had so many ideas for doing that but then froze and couldn’t put any of them into action.

But even if it does make sense, it’s not your job to fix him and you certainly cant Iive like this because you could never trust him to contribute in any meaningful way to the partnership.

I would tell him to use the £1,000 to get himself some decent therapy and when he’s done the work on himself he can give you a call to see if you might still be interested.
Wishing you all the very best OP.

Azandme · 20/03/2025 22:56

He went to the supermarket for a cake...and STILL didn't pick up a card. Let alone a huge bunch of flowers, box of chocolates etc. It wouldn't have fixed anything but it would have been marginally less shit.

He didn't go online and book a surprise.

He just bought a cake. A sodding supermarket cake.

You deserve so much better than him. Fifty is the year where you know your worth and step into your power.

Well done for telling him to leave. You don't need him taking up space, physically or mentally.

D4isyCh4in · 20/03/2025 22:57

Look, if he isn't your husband or father to your kids, tell him to leave your house. He is not worthy of you xx