Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

@wherethewildrosesgrow I am so sorry that DP didn’t come good. Take good care of yourself x

He sounds a complete nutter - he knew what he had promised, bigged himself and his ideas up for months - and ends up he didnt even get you a card.

Yet puts £1000 on the table and a card and cake at 9pm ?

That is just nuts.

Bloody hell. He is a dick.

my dp did something similar but not as bad for my 49th. 4 months later he was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s.
so part of me is saying ditch his sorry ass, and part of me has lived through it and realised that my now dh actually couldn’t help it.

Oh no, I'm sorry, Roses, that's so rotten. At least he was honest: he just doesn't have it in him to make you happy and he doesn't know what's wrong with him. You deserve better, and I hope you move forward and find it. I'm glad you had a nice meal with your kids, though. Make sure that's the part of the day you remember.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Of course it’s not about a birthday present itself is it? It’s what it signifies. The pattern of broken promises, thoughtlessness, lack of care and consideration. I think you’re right when you say, you set a low bar for him due to past men being even worse. Stay strong. You deserve so much better than this. Good, loving men are out there and you can have one. As long as he is in your life, you won’t find one though, so don’t let him wheedle his way back in 💪 💐

@wherethewildrosesgrow Oh dear OP, I'm so, so sorry - not even a ruddy card? How much effort does that take for heaven's sake?! I know you must feel like crap right now, but just remember - he has made you feel this way so you've absolutely done the right thing by ending it. What kind of moron would spend months promising you the world to then not even buy you a card? And to have no explanation for his careless behaviour? Jesus, he's utterly pathetic. But you're not OP, which is why you don't need him in your life. Please remember, you are worth SO much more than that idiot was prepared to give you. Time is a healer so give yourself just that; time. Sending BIG hugs. 🤗

You deserve so much more. Could you confide in someone in RL? If not just come here
no judgment
some of us have been there

sending hugs

Good luck op I hope you will feel empowered soon. You’ve put your needs and those of your children first. That’s strong and brave. Hold your head up high.

I am so sorry OP. I know exactly how you are feeling, and it’s horrible. You, and I, deserve so much better.

@wherethewildrosesgrow I think you go him out of the unlucky bag!! a prize dick for sure! you did the right thing. he doesnt deserve any more of your thoughts considering how thoughtless he was for you! toss him right back!

@wherethewildrosesgrow he was ‘profoundly sorry’, and a shop bought cake and some candles at 9PM is supposed to mollify you and be acceptable???? What planet is he on/from? So glad you threw him out, it’s what he deserves. Just another cheapskate liar, all talk. Please don’t give him another thought - concentrate on YOU and getting on with a better life without that dross.

I hate it when someone behaves badly and when you ask why they say “duh, I don’t know”. He does bloody know, it’s because he couldn't be arsed and didn’t think it (or you) was worth the bother!

He’s emotionally stupid and I can no longer tolerate that in a man. I won’t advise you to dump him or stay as that is for you to work out, but well done for having high standards and letting him know he fucked up big time.

Ouch 😳

Good on you for going out and celebrating yourself OP; it sounds like you’ve been through a very difficult time. Happy 50th birthday!

Now to your DP, it sounds like you’ve set the bar low due to your past experiences. I know because I’ve been there.

My EXDP used to behave exactly the same way towards me on birthdays, holidays and high days. He’d leave it right until the late evening before even acknowledging the day.

One memorable Mothers Day, he did his usual wait until the evening (about 9pm) then pretend he’d just remembered, then to celebrate he told me to order myself a takeaway on UberEats…which was linked to my bank account! I told him no as he’d never pay me back, then HE had the audacity to be offended.

This kind of man behaves like this as a subtle way to make you feel bad about yourself. He knows you’ve had a hard year, he’s been telling you all year you’ll have an amazing 50th, and then turns around and does this?!? He is not a good partner for you, as long-term you will have to put up with constant disappointment.

Stick to your guns and take care of yourself and do.

Should read dc sorry

I’m so sorry he let you down so badly. After all his ideas and promises, and all the effort you made for his birthday he just couldn’t be arsed. What a let down and it’s cruel to big everything up and promise so much to then not bother.
Glad you kicked him out, he cannot be relied on for anything.
Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong, and go out shopping to treat yourself to the best pair of binoculars you can find. 🌸

@wherethewildrosesgrow

I had a gut (knowing) feeling that this would be the case and I'm sorry for you that it was.
My oh of fifteen years has only really gone all out for me once on my 40th birthday. I'm 47. Even mothers day have been shit. More than one!! There have been numerous let downs in other areas too. I'm with him still because I know how much he loves me and he's just shit at the celebration/gift thing. I guess I've accepted it and if I want something particular I'll either tell him or buy it myself which I shouldn't have to but he shows up for me in many ways that I need more than that thought (birthday).

If your DH brings you happiness and feel loved other than this, then I think you should stay with him.
If he doesn't then see ya later chap 👋🏼

He should be feeling very ashamed of himself. A grown man promising all sorts of special attention on your birthday then not so much as a card, and a too little, too late ‘peace offering’.

Remember the wife who divorced her husband because of the dishes by the sink. It wasn’t the dishes per se it was the persistent lack of respect that broke the camel’s back.

That’s awful, I’m sorry he didn’t step up for something that was important for you. Keep the pottery and remember the nice time you had with your dc and sister.

I hate it when someone behaves badly and when you ask why they say “duh, I don’t know”. He does bloody know, it’s because he couldn't be arsed and didn’t think it (or you) was worth the bother!

This is spot on I'm afraid. He's said himself he didn't forget. So he just couldn't be bothered. He is a windbag full of false promises and hot air. I would never, ever believe anything he said again.

Op correct me if I'm wrong but it's time to channel some Stagger Lee.

Fuck that shit xxxx 🌹

Yes feel bad about it but don’t dwell on it. You’ve dodged a bullet. Go treat yourself to celebrate

He sounds wholly inadequate.

I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through this and that your special birthday was totally ruined.

I'm so sorry, was really hoping he'd have done something at least - even though he'd already let you down massively by not organising it as he said he would. I can't get past the no card or something to open either, it's just so shit and selfish.

You've handled it (and him!) amazingly. I guess what happens next is entirely up to you, but possibly informed in some way by what he does next.

You sound so lovely, so whatever happens and whatever you decide you have GOT THIS. And don't rush to make a decision either way. I hope it goes ok back at work - just keep it vague about what you did - meal, sister activity, flowers and pottery class as gifts etc. - things soon move on 🌻