Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
HoldingThePoisonDown · 18/03/2025 18:43

Tbh @Peaceandquietandacuppa the response was to a fairly snarky comment, I’m not sure I’d bother returning after that sort of post either.

MooFroo · 18/03/2025 21:12

Happy 50th @wherethewildrosesgrow Hope you enjoyed your special day and had some
time to think about your relationship and what you want from it.

I know a lot of women who are revisiting their relationships in their 50s!

Anniegetyourgun · 18/03/2025 23:01

She's probably busy laying a new patio.

morbidd · 19/03/2025 07:14

Here for an update please OP. Happy belated birthday.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 19/03/2025 08:59

Hope you had a lovely day, @wherethewildrosesgrow and your pottery is beautiful.

DebG1982 · 19/03/2025 13:24

So what happened?

igivein · 19/03/2025 16:40

I've got a feeling she was being strung along, a wonderful day was planned and now she's a bit embarrassed ...

NovemberMorn · 19/03/2025 17:00

igivein · 19/03/2025 16:40

I've got a feeling she was being strung along, a wonderful day was planned and now she's a bit embarrassed ...

Well, she shouldn't feel embarrassed.
The OP made her day interesting even though it wasn't how she hoped it would pan out.
Well done her for not sitting at home fuming.

greengreyblue · 19/03/2025 18:12

igivein · 19/03/2025 16:40

I've got a feeling she was being strung along, a wonderful day was planned and now she's a bit embarrassed ...

See I think that’s a really mean thing to do and I wouldn't be impressed. How can you think it’s ok to let your loved one have a miserable birthday just because you’re tricking them? Horrible behaviour .

igivein · 19/03/2025 19:54

I think you’ve misunderstood me @greengreyblue and @NovemberMorn - which probably means I didn’t express myself very well…
What I meant was her partner possibly had a wonderful day planned for her, but wanted to keep it a surprise. I hope that’s what happened and she had a lovely day.
It’s also possible that he had a wonderful day planned for her, but by the time he turned up to spring the surprise she’d already gone out on her own- I hope this didn’t happen.

pineapplecrashed · 20/03/2025 05:52

28 pages and no update ftom OP. Nice.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/03/2025 05:58

pineapplecrashed · 20/03/2025 05:52

28 pages and no update ftom OP. Nice.

She was replying on her birthday so now I'm a little worried we've heard nothing from her. I know life is busy and it's probably that just the sudden silence....

@wherethewildrosesgrow, if you're ok, let us know.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 20/03/2025 06:53

An OP doesn’t owe a reply. She probably had a shit day and is sad and dealing with the aftermath.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/03/2025 14:33

Isthiswhatmenthink · 20/03/2025 06:53

An OP doesn’t owe a reply. She probably had a shit day and is sad and dealing with the aftermath.

I still find it a bit rude when they can reply to snarky comments but ignore all the nice ones.

pineapplecrashed · 20/03/2025 15:55

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/03/2025 14:33

I still find it a bit rude when they can reply to snarky comments but ignore all the nice ones.

Agree.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/03/2025 16:16

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/03/2025 14:33

I still find it a bit rude when they can reply to snarky comments but ignore all the nice ones.

It's also a little weird when they were so engaged and everyone was so invested.

pineapplecrashed · 20/03/2025 16:23

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/03/2025 16:16

It's also a little weird when they were so engaged and everyone was so invested.

Makes me question if it was real. There have been quite a few similar threads lately, almost filled up and then OP stops replying. Maybe it’s some sort of power thing, or just for a laugh.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/03/2025 16:28

pineapplecrashed · 20/03/2025 16:23

Makes me question if it was real. There have been quite a few similar threads lately, almost filled up and then OP stops replying. Maybe it’s some sort of power thing, or just for a laugh.

I hope not, this OP seemed really genuine.

stampin · 20/03/2025 16:31

I'm another one checking on a few threads at the moment where the OP has disappeared. Hopefully no news is good news.

I always keep an open mind though, I've been here a long time. Wink

NovemberMorn · 20/03/2025 19:02

igivein · 19/03/2025 19:54

I think you’ve misunderstood me @greengreyblue and @NovemberMorn - which probably means I didn’t express myself very well…
What I meant was her partner possibly had a wonderful day planned for her, but wanted to keep it a surprise. I hope that’s what happened and she had a lovely day.
It’s also possible that he had a wonderful day planned for her, but by the time he turned up to spring the surprise she’d already gone out on her own- I hope this didn’t happen.

Ahh...I did misunderstand, but I see what you mean now.
Thanks for explaining.

I add my thoughts that hopefully the OP ended up having a nice day, and it would be good if she came back and let us know.

wherethewildrosesgrow · 20/03/2025 20:29

Hi all,
sorry for the late reply, thank you all for your Birthday wishes, and all the support.
So many of you have said kind words.
Its been a rough couple of days.
Some of the things I’ve read have really hit home, I do think I may have settled for shit, just because it was an upgrade on what I was used to.
It didn’t go well, there was nothing at all planned, no cards presents no suprises.
The EB pottery session was good, but I felt so alone and struggled to concentrate, think I’ll struggle to use the dish I painted, I felt a bit out of place watching all the other little groups enjoying their morning.
I got home to DP at the table with £1000 in cash, offering to buy me whatever I wanted and book us a weekend away.
I graciously refused both, as it really was all just too late, I explained that all I really wanted was him,us, together for the day, then something with us all together in the evening.
He said he knew he’d fucked up, and he’d put it right.
It was then pretty much time to collect the children, I took them some clothes in the car, and we got changed and had a lovely pub meal, just us.
When I returned home, put the children to bed, he brought out a supermarket cake and candles, it was 9pm, I just burst into tears.
Whats the point of a cake and candles at that time of night when the kids are in bed?
He spent the night on the sofa, and spoke again once the children were at school.
He spoke again about putting it right, I’ve told him he cannot, my birthday has gone, finished,
you cannot get it back.
I went out with my sister the day after, and I asked him not to be there when I got back.
All day I kept playing things he’d said about my birthday, I remembered, he’d even promised to bake me a cake himself.
i didn’t say anything to my sister, I just don’t think I could stand it all at the min.
I got home and he was still there, I got a bit angry at this point, and asked WHY? He didn’t have an explanation, he didn’t forget, he had remembered all of the things I mentioned, even all of the extra stuff he’d said, on top of what I’d mentioned myself.
I asked why he hadn’t got a card, he didn’t know.
He said money wasn’t the issue, he wasn’t feeling overwhelmed or depressed, as some posters had suggested.
He just didn’t know.
I told him how much it hurts, how embarrassed I feel (even though nobody knows),he was profoundly sorry, but I just feel it can’t be rectified.
He left soon after, and I turned off my phone, and shut the door, I’ve only gone out for school runs.
It fucking stings so badly, I just don’t want to go out of the door and face the world, and I’m due back in work tomorrow.

OP posts:
PancakesForElephants · 20/03/2025 20:33

@wherethewildrosesgrow I'm so sorry you had a crap day. You did amazingly well to pull it together in the face of his total lack of care to do some self care.

Carry on with the self care, you are worth it, and you are worth more than empty promises.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/03/2025 20:34

@wherethewildrosesgrow I'm so sorry he was that rubbish. He knows he's screwed up, and good for you for not just letting him get away with it.

Give yourself a few days space, see how you feel. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to get past the deliberate stringing along, I'd not trust him to do anything he said he was going to again, even if it were just something small like getting milk on the way home. But it's not me, it's you. See whether you think you can and if you want to. If not, then great, give him the boot. If you think you can and want to, then great, but make sure he does make it up to you. And keeps doing it.

wizzywig · 20/03/2025 20:35

Oh op, I'm so sorry x
I'm glad he has left. Let's see if he owns it or if he becomes even more of an arsehole

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 20/03/2025 20:40

Sorry op but well done. You have drawn a clear red line. You are valuing yourself. Take some time and look after yourself.