Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

Thank you @DriveMeCrazy1974

@wherethewildrosesgrow I hope you had as good a day as could be hoped! A turning point for you?

Happy birthday OP! How was your day?

You need to communicate clearly why it was a disappointment, especially given he’d built it up. Then decide if he deserves a second chance or not based on his answers and subsequent actions.

happy birthday for yesterday OP

he’s an absolute time waster full of empty promises

chuck him and move on you don’t need this loser in your life

you’ve only been together 4 years, it really will only get worse he’s too wrapped up in himself

I hope you had as good a day as possible yesterday op? If literally nothing transpired from the tosser I strongly suggest you rethink this relationship. He is taking you for granted, and you deserve so much more. Birthday hugs to you.

I hope you had a lovely day despite everything. Happy belated birthday😊
(I had to arrange everything when I was married, hence why I have now been on my own for several years and I celebrate myself however I want without any anxiety. No desire to go back to that)

It's really weird that he'd make a big song and dance about it and then not book you anything. What do you think is going on? Why do you think he's done it? Does he generally have problems with organising things? Or is this out of the blue? Has he said anything in response to you saying you'll just have a nice day by yourself?
I feel like there's an information gap between what you've posted and what conversation has gone on between you.

I see where you are coming from, 100%, but no. There is a bit of Aspie thrown in, hence the communication issues, but really he is not alone in getting overwhelmed by menu options. The last one was much better at gifting (eventually...) - but I now call all that amazing, expensive jewellery the "Guilt Collection". I had it all remodelled so that I can bear to wear it... There may be plenty of other nonsense going on for the OP, and I feel bad for her regardless - I can honestly empathise very exactly how she felt because I have been there - but I know there are possible alternative explanations. I merely wanted to offer one of them. But if he's useless the other 363 days (I'm excluding Christmas, another crisis point with crap gift givers), then hopefully she will be onwards and upwards. Mine is only useless twice a year.

Honestly would you just read the thread, you are making a fool of yourself !

I am curious, being of another generation, about the importance of birthdays. Mind, that my ex did nothing for my 40th was a small nail in the divorce scenario - but worse was his suggestion that he did not need to come to my DF's funeral. I usually got some chocolates or flowers from late DH - he was v. good at flowers - but we would buy each other presents all year rather than for specific occasions. We'd arrange to go out for my birthday and his, for a meal usually. My 70th fell during lockdown so we sat socially distanced from our family with a metal fence between and had drinks and we lit a chiminea (our garden backs onto industrial land and a nature reserve and we live on a commercial road, which is why that was possible, no immediate 'human' neighbours). Slightly shouty, of course, so we could hear each other over several yards difference and DS appeared on my phone. Ditto late DH's 75th which fell the same year.

Happy birthday, OP. Your DP's sin is not so much not doing something but promising to do something and not doing it - that's a big red flag.

I suspect journos might be onto this thread, just as a warning

What you did for your big birthdays sounds lovely. I think for OP (and most of us on here) it's less about the gift and more the lack of effort, especially after the promises.

If DH gets me nothing, but we use it as an excuse to go for a family day out or a meal somewhere we want to try or love eating or whatever, I've had a happy birthday. If he got me nothing and didn't acknowledge it or make any effort, I'd be sad.

For the several posters who have picked up on my remark about him being a thoughtless twit.
He was, plus selfish, making promises he didn't deliver, and acting in a very hurtful way, by ignoring the OP's birthday.

So...does he deserve to be dumped for this? Does this prove he 'hates' her? Of course not, and all the hysterical posts claiming so are ridiculous.
He is a flawed human being, just like you and me.
The OP has stated he is a good man and she is happy in the relationship, why throw that away because he has been, on this occasion...a 'thoughtless twit'.

Happy birthday OP Sorry you didn't get the day you expected from his previous comments about making it special. He really doesn't seem like a "keeper"

Hopefully OP is having a lovely day with her sister.

Happy belated 50th! I hope you had a nice day. I hope he came through for you in the end but if not, I think you had exactly the right idea to go off for the day on some nice independent plans for yourself. No reason you can't spoil yourself on your big day. Sounds like you deserve it. Some men are a bit hopeless and it's not really on. If he really do did nothing I hope you return the favour for his next birthday and just say 'I didn't think we really did birthday's anymore?' when he gets miffed.

Op I hope you had a nice day but I would book a weekend away with friends or your children and make your own plans for a belated birthday. It’s one thing being crap at birthdays but he made the right noises then did nothing. A definite conversation needs to be had. I hope he makes up for it in some way.

Dear @wherethewildrosesgrow I’m really hoping your silence is because you’re still recovering from a massive giant surprise party thrown for you last night by your DP!!

Because of past lessons.
He's never done anything good before so why should he change the habit of a lifetime??
Oh yes, because he's been saying for a year that this year will be bigger and better. Right.
OP feels doubtful because of how he's been in the past.
He doesn't need to have cemented plans but at least a foundation h can give her.

@wherethewildrosesgrow
He sounds very much like my DP.

We had to have a conversation about birthdays and mother's day.
I've had a few mother's days where I've had naff all basically, not even daffodils (all I want). Birthdays a let down despite the birthdays I've given him (I know, not everyone does as you do).
I told him that people say, "I hope you have the day you deserve" but that I'm usually in tears because I've had nothing special happen. Do I not deserve a bunch of daffodils on mother's day?
Do I not deserve a proper gift for my birthday? A meal out? Made to feel like I'm something special?
He said he didn't realise that birthdays meant so much to me as he doesn't particularly care about them.

Have my celebrations got any better?
Yes. Because I generally make sure I do.

I haven't read any further of the thread yet so I'm going to find out how you got on. My fingers are crossed but my breath is baited 😬🤞🏼

Drink the champagne babes!!
Everyday is a day to celebrate 🥳 🥂

OP Happy Birthday 🎈

I hope you had a lovely day and got to the restaurant you liked!

I'm struggling to understand why he built the plans up? Why did he feel he needed to do that but in the end had nothing really done? You told him what you liked/wanted but he couldn't make the effort.

I really hope to hear this had some positive ending but i suspect it did not:(

@wherethewildrosesgrow Happy birthday op. Did your partner surprise you? Mine was rubbish when it came to my birthday ... bastard.

I keep coming back to check for updates. Hope you had a lovely day however it ended up working out!

Op came back on yesterday to update this but couldn’t update everyone wishing her well?! Weird…