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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
CandidHedgehog · 17/03/2025 19:53

RaininSummer · 17/03/2025 19:20

Accidentally clicked you ABU. Do take yourself out. Ask a friend if you can. Also tell him what you would like and ask himto arrange for next month since he didnt bother.

You can change your vote by clicking the other one.

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 19:54

Isthiswhatmenthink · 17/03/2025 19:53

Not so hot with the reading and understanding huh? 🫢

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Yep established that
I have realised how he’s a sociopath
and the op shouldn’t have him around herself or her kids

Bloozie · 17/03/2025 19:55

I came here desperately hoping he'd pulled something out of the bag for you.

Are you planning to speak to him about this?

"I didn't expect lots of money to be spent, or lots of fuss made. You know I'm not like that. But you specifically told me that you were going to make my birthday special, and you didn't. You told me I deserved a special day. What happened?"

NoPaintedPony · 17/03/2025 19:56

You’re not over reacting. Especially as a mum it’s the one day which should be about you (I know mums day but that’s just for ur kids).
I had our second child 6 months before my 30th. I asked my husband if we could just go to a multiplex cinema - boring but had never been to one. He did nothing. Not a card from him nor did he get one for the kids to give me. His sisters birthday is 3 days after mine. I was told what to get her, I paid for it all and then he complained that I hadn’t done enough.
It was the moment I knew he would never care about me. May sound dramatic but like u I wasn’t asking for much. We divorced and 20 years later I’m happily married to a much kinder man.

Screamingabdabz · 17/03/2025 19:58

NovemberMorn · 17/03/2025 18:24

He was a thoughtless twit, I understand that she is very upset, who wouldn't be?
Is a man being a thoughtless twit on one occasion, when he is otherwise a good partner, reason to think he hates her, reason to dump him?

I don't think so, but then, I don't live in mumsnet fantasy land.

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🤣🤣🤣

…you really think it’s such a high bar? The ‘fantasy land’ of women who expect their partners to do something nice for their birthday? And would rightfully re-evaluate their relationship if that proved too much of an effort? I’d lose respect for any woman that didn’t.

‘Thoughtless twit’ sounds like some twee excuse to put up with - and enable - strategic male incompetence.

Orangeoranges42 · 17/03/2025 20:03

I could have wrote this myself this year, very similar lots of warning and not asking for a lot.
also ended up pottery painting, not at EB, but a very enjoyable few hours and I hope yours was too. I’ll be booking time away with the girls next year.

DisneyTokyoNewbie · 17/03/2025 20:13

FreeRider · 17/03/2025 16:48

I've posted on here a couple of times before about how my partner ruined my 50th.

Trying to keep it short, he did the same as your partner - all talk, no action. The main thing I wanted, and he faithfully promised, was a week holiday to our favourite Greek island. He prefers paying in monthly installments (even though he could easily put it on his credit card) so the day after my 49th birthday I said we should get it booked...he kept putting that off until it was 'too late' to pay installments. He then used a minor situation at work (he's a manager) to not book anything.

Day of my 50th, his idea of a 'treat' is breakfast...at the roughest Wetherspoons in my city centre. I've booked us a night away in the nearest scenic town centre...he insists we get on one train, saying it's the right one. 45 minutes into the journey, it's obvious we are going the wrong way (I'd never been to where we are going before). I'm so stressed a broken tooth starts throbbing...I give up and then we have to wait 3 hours to get the next train back home and for my friend to finish work so we can get my spare key off her (she was going to feed my cats the night we were away).

It's one of shittest birthdays I've ever had. We met just before my 41st birthday, and I'd spent 9 years telling him how awful my 40th was (ex husband wouldn't even take the night off work, I have no family in the UK and it was weekday so I spent it on my own, and I was skint) and being told my 50th would be far better...that was nearly 7 years ago, and I've still not forgiven him. It was his 50th 2 years later, smack bang in the middle of lockdown. He still had a better 50th than I did! His parents made a fuss, I did what he did - nothing. No regrets. You reap what you sow.

How can you still be together with so much resentment? Genuine question.

sposabagnata · 17/03/2025 20:14

I’m quite taken aback at the posters writing about their husbands as if they are slightly dopey Labradors Confused

Oldermum84 · 17/03/2025 20:14

Happy 50th birthday 🎉 🎂

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 17/03/2025 20:16

I’m so so sorry. Happy birthday.

carly2803 · 17/03/2025 20:22

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 17:44

Unfortunately I can’t book holidays in school holidays, as I work in the leisure industry, but I only work 3 days, and I can often work six days together, then have a lengthy time off, it’s the only job I can get locally that fits in the school day.

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im really hoping your out having a lovely evening and hes pulled something out the bag?

happy birthday OP, I hope you are having a lovely day

Musntapplecrumble · 17/03/2025 20:23

Ohhh Happy Hawaii, Roses...
We're all hoping you had a lovely day...? 😊

SpottyDottyMoon · 17/03/2025 20:23

Happy birthday OP! How has your day been?

Mirabella7 · 17/03/2025 20:24

If it turns out that he really hasn’t done anything ( he may have a surprise for you) he owes you an explanation! If not fair to lead you on, really not good enough.

Batteredcodmushypeasandafalafal · 17/03/2025 20:24

So sorry to hear this OP. Did he do anything at all?

I hope you enjoyed the pottery and happy 50th! Hopefully you'll have a lovely time with your sister tomorrow.

Littlejellyuk · 17/03/2025 20:26

Happy belated 50th birthday! 🎁 🥳🥂
I'm sorry you current DP is an inconsiderate arsehole 😫
I was hoping to read that he had done some epic surprise, but instead he's given you a reason to be single again 🙄
I hope you do what's best for you (and dump the thoughtless melt). 💃
I hope you have had a wonderful birthday and Happy St Paddy's day to you! 🍀

ItSnowsIntheSouth · 17/03/2025 20:30

Azandme · 16/03/2025 09:57

If, after bigging it up for so long, he hadn't been arsed to put ANY effort in (bar moving his mouth) I'd not be arsed to put any more effort into this relationship.

He chose not to prepare anything, which to me is a clear indicator that he doesn't value you.

I'd go out for the day, and end the relationship as my gift to myself.

This.

SquareHeader · 17/03/2025 20:31

My husband was totally useless for my 40th.I was so embarrassed because people kept asking what he'd got me and he got me nothing. I came so close to leaving him - because to me it showed a total lack of respect - especially when I do all the present buying for our children and his family. I made it clear to him how upset I was and how embarrassed I was. He's made an effort ever since. He's not a great gifter but he tries nowadays. I wouldn't hold back on making it clear how shit he has made you feel.

dodgyplant · 17/03/2025 20:41

I think it's best to be clear with expectations. If necessary choose your own gift and ask for the partner to fund it.

All this pussy footing about is a waste of energy.

TheseCalmSeas · 17/03/2025 20:41

HAB75 · 17/03/2025 19:47

I can see this from his side. You must have really built this up - and I can easily understand why - but you kept giving him options. Mine just cannot cope with options at all. Options result in nothing here too - lickety spit. Options to my chap's ear sound like "she just hasn't made up her mind" and "how the hell can I possibly choose?". So while I completely understand how you feel, both in the run up and now, I can also see it from his perspective. Tell him now what you want to do and to receive - it isn't too late to save this - and you can have your day and a great story for the future. And remember, options sound like "she doesn't yet know what the hell she wants" to some ears.... Don't bin him over this one transgression, not unless there is a lot else you're not happy with.

Did you marry a child? This is mental

Bitofanchange · 17/03/2025 20:43

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 18:00

So less than 4 years and her boyfriend already living with her three young children? In her house I suspect. And she’s subbing him.

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Four years is hardly a short time, is it?

However they’re not living together, nor is she subbing him.

What the hell is wrong with you?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/03/2025 20:51

NovemberMorn · 17/03/2025 18:13

OFGS....the usual cries of Dump him, he hates you, always come up when someone posts about a thoughtless DP.
She has said she is happy in the relationship, why should she dump him?

OK, he has been incredibly thoughtless, sometimes people are, is it enough to end an otherwise happy relationship? No.

Just make sure he suffers for a while... and I really hope OP had a lovely day in spite of him, x

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OFGS, how can you have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who's "incredibly thoughtless"? People who are incredibly thoughtless are not relationship material, and nor do they deserve a relationship.

Crankyoldwoman · 17/03/2025 20:51

HAB75 · 17/03/2025 19:47

I can see this from his side. You must have really built this up - and I can easily understand why - but you kept giving him options. Mine just cannot cope with options at all. Options result in nothing here too - lickety spit. Options to my chap's ear sound like "she just hasn't made up her mind" and "how the hell can I possibly choose?". So while I completely understand how you feel, both in the run up and now, I can also see it from his perspective. Tell him now what you want to do and to receive - it isn't too late to save this - and you can have your day and a great story for the future. And remember, options sound like "she doesn't yet know what the hell she wants" to some ears.... Don't bin him over this one transgression, not unless there is a lot else you're not happy with.

@HAB75 He did nothing last year and said he would make this year special, he has done nothing again but bullshit her, nasty nasty man, don't make excuses for others partners as OP has already stated everything he fails at. Your partner you understand, OP'S partner is an absolute bastard!

whynotwhatknot · 17/03/2025 21:00

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 09:04

He specifically told me not to book anything, he wanted to give me a day I deserved, I gave him at least four different ideas.
He thought about those, and said they didn’t seem enough, they were ok, but he wanted to add/build on these, so I was thinking maybe not just the river cruise, but maybe lunch somewhere too, as well as the evening meal, hence the dress.
Anyway, I’ve just dropped the children at school, I’m back home about to put on my dress and make up (bit much for the school run),then I will just leave.
The children made me some cards over breakfast, and I was fetched a yogurt and banana for breakfast.
He’s up, he’s said Happy Birthday, but no card, no plans mentioned for either the day or the evening.
I’m going to try get into the restaurant that was discussed, would you book a place for him?
I don’t know what to do, I just feel dead.

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happy birthday op hope you enjoe your pottery an te day wasnt a total bust

my husband and dont get anyting for each oter anymore he doesnt do empty promises though which would annoy me more-altoug i was also 50 this year an he just said buy what you want

you either need to say how you feel or accept this is how it is

LaaLaaLady · 17/03/2025 21:03

It's 22.02 in my country. I hope your silence these past few hours is because he's done something for you that you wanted and are presently enjoying. Let us all know. Happy birthday lovely 🌹