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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
Sageflower35 · 17/03/2025 17:16

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. Happy Birthday!! I really hope he surprised you and if he didn't, you better have taken your ass out!!

Bitofanchange · 17/03/2025 17:17

What a shit partner! What on earth was he thinking with all the promises!

ReadingandEating · 17/03/2025 17:19

Really hoping he realised in time what a selfish and thoughtless ‘partner’ he is and took some swift action. Making all the promises is cruel and I’d feel as upset as you do. Happy Birthday OP hope u have a lovely meal with your children even if nothing else.

Powderblue1 · 17/03/2025 17:20

Happy birthday OP!

HereForTheFreeLunch · 17/03/2025 17:23

Happy birthday OP!
I hope you had a lovely day and enjoyed the pottery!

unsync · 17/03/2025 17:35

Happy Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow I hope you enjoyed your pottery day and have a lovely evening with your family.

You've obviously come a long way in just a year. Having been so badly treated by your ex, I understand why what your partner has (or hasn't) done is smarting. Please don't feel embarrassed, this is all on him.

NovemberMorn · 17/03/2025 17:37

❤Happy Birthday OP. xxx❤

Daisymail · 17/03/2025 17:44

Happy 50th 💜

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 17:44

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 15:52

How long have you been with him op?

you booked the week off of your birthday during term time with no set plans and you have three school aged kids?

wasn’t that a bit of a waste when I’m guessing as a single mother, a week’s holiday is precious and usually saved up to coincide with school hols?

Unfortunately I can’t book holidays in school holidays, as I work in the leisure industry, but I only work 3 days, and I can often work six days together, then have a lengthy time off, it’s the only job I can get locally that fits in the school day.

OP posts:
Sparkmyjoy · 17/03/2025 17:44

Happy 50th Birthday to you.. how was the pottery and what did you make?

Cucy · 17/03/2025 17:46

Did he not get you anything or plan anything in the end?

Happy birthday OP 💐

treesandsun · 17/03/2025 17:50

Happy Birthday. I hope it has been nice even if it was not what you were hoping.

I would be very pissed off with him - he has built it up for a year and then has done fuck all - and that is what I would say to him. You built it up - I gave you ideas and then you did fuck all - fuck all effort and I am pissed off. Expect the same amount of effort and energy for yours. Do not mention anything about what you 'plan' to do next year as I do not want to hear it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/03/2025 17:52

@wherethewildrosesgrow well did he pull anything out the bag for your birthday??

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 17:55

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 15:52

How long have you been with him op?

you booked the week off of your birthday during term time with no set plans and you have three school aged kids?

wasn’t that a bit of a waste when I’m guessing as a single mother, a week’s holiday is precious and usually saved up to coincide with school hols?

You've made an awful lot of assumptions about how OPs life works there...and maybe this is something OP wouldn't see as a waste regardless of how things in her life work?

Ultravox · 17/03/2025 17:56

Happy Birthday OP! Hope the pottery class was great fun.

My DH did too little too late to celebrate my 50th so I can absolutely empathise. I guess the difference is that he had not bigged it up before hand, he was extremely stressed in a new job, and I had made a lot of arrangements for a party and a trip myself (I’m a planner) so I didn’t have big expectations. Still - everything he did or bought was just so last minute and with so little effort that it felt like an afterthought and I did make my feelings known.

Don’t let him off the hook for this.

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 17:57

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 17:55

You've made an awful lot of assumptions about how OPs life works there...and maybe this is something OP wouldn't see as a waste regardless of how things in her life work?

single parent of 3 young children books one week off during term time with her boyfriend, with no plans aside from hints of “something” related to her birthday

yes, hands up… I’m intrigued!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 17/03/2025 17:57

MatildaTheCat · 17/03/2025 09:24

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @wherethewildrosesgrow .

Have a splendid day doing your pottery and having dinner with your DC.

If you decide to speak to your P just tell him factually that he’s fucked up in a way that a gift cannot repair. Unfortunately this is a Thing with some men, only you know if the good bits make this worth it.

Enjoy your 50s the decade of No Fucks Given!

It really is a thing with some men. It's like they get pleasure from treating your birthday with as much contempt as possible. This is just unforgivable, considering it's OP's 50th, too. I guess he's just not that happy that OP survived long enough to celebrate her 50th! Because that's what a loved one is saying when they ignore your birthday...they're not actually happy that you're here, otherwise they'd celebrate the day you were born. 🤬

Treating your birthday like it's nothing is a massive, massive neg. And he poured as much salt in the wound as possible by raising your expectations. This is how someone who hates you would treat you.

See it for what it is, OP.

I'd leave it a couple of weeks and then break up with him by telling him that you just don't fancy him anymore. Kick him where it hurts. Anyway, it must surely be true, after this. Although, I'm not sure I could hold in my temper. I'd probably start a massive row with him and dump him, saying "I'm sure you're not upset since you quite obviously hate me."

IWillJustSayThis · 17/03/2025 17:58

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 15:52

How long have you been with him op?

you booked the week off of your birthday during term time with no set plans and you have three school aged kids?

wasn’t that a bit of a waste when I’m guessing as a single mother, a week’s holiday is precious and usually saved up to coincide with school hols?

The OP stated in the first post how long her and her partner have been together for.

Lovehascomeandgone · 17/03/2025 17:59

I’m sorry OP, I wouldn’t be wasting my time with someone who can’t make even a bit of effort for me on my special birthday. You must be so disappointed. It’s just lazy and thoughtless. I’m often reminded of the comment ‘a man shows you what he thinks of you through his behaviour’…..clearly this one doesn’t care. I hope you managed to have a good day regardless.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 17/03/2025 17:59

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 17:44

Unfortunately I can’t book holidays in school holidays, as I work in the leisure industry, but I only work 3 days, and I can often work six days together, then have a lengthy time off, it’s the only job I can get locally that fits in the school day.

What happened in the end op? Did he really not plan anything, he wasn’t bluffing?

Justlovedogs · 17/03/2025 18:00

Happy Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow I hope you enjoyed the pottery class.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 18:00

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 17:57

single parent of 3 young children books one week off during term time with her boyfriend, with no plans aside from hints of “something” related to her birthday

yes, hands up… I’m intrigued!

I meant the "usually saved up for school holidays". Do you know that their dad doesn't have them? Or whether they have holiday clubs they enjoy? Or grandparents, aunts, uncles etc that get involved? Friends that there's arrangements with. Flexible working? The kids are of an age they don't need constant supervision and so she could work from home (if possible). Works term time only?

Just a few guesses off the top of my head as to why a person wouldn't need to save all their annual leave for school holidays.

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 18:00

IWillJustSayThis · 17/03/2025 17:58

The OP stated in the first post how long her and her partner have been together for.

So less than 4 years and her boyfriend already living with her three young children? In her house I suspect. And she’s subbing him.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 18:01

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 18:00

So less than 4 years and her boyfriend already living with her three young children? In her house I suspect. And she’s subbing him.

She's also stated that they don't live together...

Specialberries · 17/03/2025 18:01

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 18:00

I meant the "usually saved up for school holidays". Do you know that their dad doesn't have them? Or whether they have holiday clubs they enjoy? Or grandparents, aunts, uncles etc that get involved? Friends that there's arrangements with. Flexible working? The kids are of an age they don't need constant supervision and so she could work from home (if possible). Works term time only?

Just a few guesses off the top of my head as to why a person wouldn't need to save all their annual leave for school holidays.

Well yes

but as a single parent… the idea of booking a week off during term time with no plans aside to spend it with my boyfriend, when we’re in pretty crap financial straits…. intriguing

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