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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 17/03/2025 16:14

Happy birthday!
I'm jealous of your pottery day. Great idea.
Hope you enjoyed it
So sorry your DH put no effort in for you
💜💜💜

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/03/2025 16:15

Happy 50th! Hope you enjoyed the pottery art class, it sounded great.

As for him - well, he's quite the Future Faker, isn't he? I find his behaviour totally baffling, and not a little cruel. He's been banging on about how he's going to make this birthday "really special" for you - and then, nothing except dashed hopes. That's the cruel part to me; if he hadn't made such a big deal of it you'd probably have been OK with 'nothing' because some people don't really bother much with birthdays. But no - he had to build it up, mentioning it throughout the year - all to just deflate you. Cruel. Thoughtless. Fuckwitted.

So all year he's been making himself feel good, because he's going to do this and he's going to do that and oh, what a fine fellow I am! He's had a year's worth of stroking his own ego with his empty promises, and then - nothing. Cruel, cruel, cruel. Especially when I compare his conduct to your incredibly thoughtful and loving efforts (10 hours overtime to pay for the materials, 14 hours to make the gift itself) for his birthday two years ago. He is such a prick.

He's really not worth a damn, and very very far short of worthy of you.

((hug))

TheQuirkyPombear · 17/03/2025 16:16

Happy birthday.

I get it, my DH isn't bothered by birthdays so he wouldn't care if we did nothing for his. I try to make everyone's special. I have had a few years were I think why do I bother when nothings reciprocated. It's not done maliciously but it still can hurt. These days we usually are away as it's on the summer holidays it takes away the expectation of something being done. Luckily two kids are now adults and tend to take charge of their father. I too am 50. I've organised my own party which upset the family as they wanted to do a suprise one. At least this way I'm master of my own downfall lol if it all goes tits up.

I hope you have managed to have a nice day regardless and have enjoyed your pottery and have a lovely meal.

HangingOver · 17/03/2025 16:16

Happy Birthday OP!

D4isyCh4in · 17/03/2025 16:21

What a PoS he is! Happy Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow Hope you had a lovely day and when his B'day comes around, do Sweet FA, but also tell him of all the places you are going to go and all the pressies you are going to go!

JimothyHalpert · 17/03/2025 16:24
Happy Birthday Summer GIF by Hallmark Gold Crown

How disappointing to know that he has done sod all for you after a year of building it up 😡I would be considering the future of the relationship.

I hope the pottery workshop is going well and you’re having fun! Have a lovely meal out with your family tonight 🥂💐🎁🍰

Tavimama · 17/03/2025 16:31

Happy Birthday OP. Hope you have had a good day, my lovely. At least you now know where you stand 💐

DarkDarkNight · 17/03/2025 16:32

What a thoughtless, selfish prick. Hoping you say yes to a manicure or something so he can get you a last minute voucher and it seems like he’s made an effort. Definitely get yourself out for the day on your own or with a friend/family member who is free. I hope you have a good birthday.

Please remember how he has made you feel, and you can remember to put zero effort in to his next birthday.

Friendofdennis · 17/03/2025 16:35

As he hasn’t done anything for you please make sure that you treat yourself. It just today but throughout the year. It is your 50th year and you deserve to celebrate that you have come through a divorce as well. I would be planning something lovely every month sometimes on my own or with friends and if he is grovelingly apologetic perhaps with him

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 16:36

BigHeadBertha · 17/03/2025 15:47

My post is to try to assist the OP with the problem she posted, based on my life experience, not to cater to what "offends you" on a word-by-word basis. If you have a problem with anything I say, you're free to report it and the mods can handle it, according to their opinion of what's okay and what's not, not yours. Otherwise, do not police me. I'm not interested.

Edited

You equated a man being thoughtless with birthdays to a learning disability.....

BigHeadBertha · 17/03/2025 16:47

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 16:36

You equated a man being thoughtless with birthdays to a learning disability.....

Reading skills are essential.

DPotter · 17/03/2025 16:47

Flowers Flowers Happy Birthday ! Flowers Flowers

Hope you enjoyed the pottery !

Just book for you and the kids - his presence will only annoy you

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 16:48

BigHeadBertha · 17/03/2025 16:47

Reading skills are essential.

So are social skills

FreeRider · 17/03/2025 16:48

I've posted on here a couple of times before about how my partner ruined my 50th.

Trying to keep it short, he did the same as your partner - all talk, no action. The main thing I wanted, and he faithfully promised, was a week holiday to our favourite Greek island. He prefers paying in monthly installments (even though he could easily put it on his credit card) so the day after my 49th birthday I said we should get it booked...he kept putting that off until it was 'too late' to pay installments. He then used a minor situation at work (he's a manager) to not book anything.

Day of my 50th, his idea of a 'treat' is breakfast...at the roughest Wetherspoons in my city centre. I've booked us a night away in the nearest scenic town centre...he insists we get on one train, saying it's the right one. 45 minutes into the journey, it's obvious we are going the wrong way (I'd never been to where we are going before). I'm so stressed a broken tooth starts throbbing...I give up and then we have to wait 3 hours to get the next train back home and for my friend to finish work so we can get my spare key off her (she was going to feed my cats the night we were away).

It's one of shittest birthdays I've ever had. We met just before my 41st birthday, and I'd spent 9 years telling him how awful my 40th was (ex husband wouldn't even take the night off work, I have no family in the UK and it was weekday so I spent it on my own, and I was skint) and being told my 50th would be far better...that was nearly 7 years ago, and I've still not forgiven him. It was his 50th 2 years later, smack bang in the middle of lockdown. He still had a better 50th than I did! His parents made a fuss, I did what he did - nothing. No regrets. You reap what you sow.

BigHeadBertha · 17/03/2025 16:49

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 16:48

So are social skills

Exactly.

FreeRider · 17/03/2025 16:49

p.s. Happy Birthday!

PinkyFlamingo · 17/03/2025 16:51

So thoughtless I'm sorry.

HowlongdoIwait · 17/03/2025 16:53

Happy birthday 🎉🎂🎈🥂

I hope you've had a reasonable day after all. Time to seriously consider if this is what you want in a relationship

ButtonMoonLoon · 17/03/2025 16:54

Anyone else hoping desperately that he had planned a surprise all along?
If he hasn't... well he's well and truly shown you who he is, and you have some tricky decisions to make.

Anyway... Happy Birthday!!
I hope you had the lovely day you deserve.
Can we see your dress?

sposabagnata · 17/03/2025 16:57

I don’t understand why so many pp say they hope he’s planned a surprise and is lying about it. I genuinely think that’s worse than just being useless and thoughtless. What a horribly cruel thing to do to a partner who’s survived a previous abusive marriage.

Haply birthday, OP. I hope you’ve given yourself a lovely day and that you have a great meal out with your DC.

BigHeadBertha · 17/03/2025 16:59

Sorry for going off-topic here but is it possible to block certain posters? I don't see a way to do it. Or do you need a premium membership? Thanks in advance.

ClawedButler · 17/03/2025 17:04

I'm hoping that OP hasn't been back because he pulled something out of the bag last minute and she's been too busy to post.

It's more of a hope than an expectation tho, sadly.

ChippingSoda · 17/03/2025 17:05

Happy birthday OP

🎂

AirborneElephant · 17/03/2025 17:11

Happy birthday. He’s an utter selfish prick, to specifically tell you not to book anything because he wants to do something special and then to do nothing. That’s not just thoughtless or crap at birthdays, that’s actively cruel. I hope you enjoyed the pottery and can go out for a nice meal without him tonight.

Guinessandafire · 17/03/2025 17:14

FreeRider · 17/03/2025 16:48

I've posted on here a couple of times before about how my partner ruined my 50th.

Trying to keep it short, he did the same as your partner - all talk, no action. The main thing I wanted, and he faithfully promised, was a week holiday to our favourite Greek island. He prefers paying in monthly installments (even though he could easily put it on his credit card) so the day after my 49th birthday I said we should get it booked...he kept putting that off until it was 'too late' to pay installments. He then used a minor situation at work (he's a manager) to not book anything.

Day of my 50th, his idea of a 'treat' is breakfast...at the roughest Wetherspoons in my city centre. I've booked us a night away in the nearest scenic town centre...he insists we get on one train, saying it's the right one. 45 minutes into the journey, it's obvious we are going the wrong way (I'd never been to where we are going before). I'm so stressed a broken tooth starts throbbing...I give up and then we have to wait 3 hours to get the next train back home and for my friend to finish work so we can get my spare key off her (she was going to feed my cats the night we were away).

It's one of shittest birthdays I've ever had. We met just before my 41st birthday, and I'd spent 9 years telling him how awful my 40th was (ex husband wouldn't even take the night off work, I have no family in the UK and it was weekday so I spent it on my own, and I was skint) and being told my 50th would be far better...that was nearly 7 years ago, and I've still not forgiven him. It was his 50th 2 years later, smack bang in the middle of lockdown. He still had a better 50th than I did! His parents made a fuss, I did what he did - nothing. No regrets. You reap what you sow.

It's funny , that would be a relationship ender for me.

That kind of selfishness and arrogance..can't have been a one off, surely?

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