Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

He didn't even get you a card! That's shocking.

I really think you should end it- he is showing you really clearly that he doesn't even consider you

He knows it was important and what is worse is that he has spent time lying that he would do something

If you stay, he has trained you to accept cruelty

Oh bless you, that’s so hurtful. 💐

To not do anything at all for your 50th is not thoughtless, it’s deliberate. Even my autistic daughter knows you mark birthdays and that big birthdays need something a bit ‘more’.

On the extreme off chance he’s planning a surprise - this is exactly why I don’t like them. Until the surprise is revealed, they can leave people feeling hurt, miserable and sometimes embarrassed when other people ask them what they’re doing and they have to say nothing.

I hope you enjoyed your art day as much as possible but I know you’ll have spent most of the day in your head evaluating things. Hope you find a resolution.

Not only has he not listened to what is important to you, to give you a wonderful day, but hes also lied to you by making promises he is either not willing or able to keep.

I think one can be forgiveable, once. I absolutely would not accept poor treatment as a pattern of behaviour. But being lied to, repeatedly over the months, that's an absolute no.

Have a wonderful 50th all on your own. Get rid of this loser tomorrow.

Plan a day ,he can pay for or even share with you ,in case he really has booked a table somewhere nice or organised a party. Failing that , enjoy the day yourself. Please don't marry in haste !, You say you are just out of a bad divorce which has cost you dearly.! Better to be without a partner than with the wrong man! Happy birthday when it comes!

Happy 50th roses.
I hope you had a lovely day at the pottery studio and enjoy your meal tonight with the DC.
I sincerely hope you don't invite your 'D'P.

Happy Birthday OP! 🎂

I’m sorry he’s let you down, but I think your plan for a pottery day and a meal sounds lovely and I hope you enjoy it.

Don’t read this next bit today. Go out and enjoy yourself. Have a nice lunch. Paint colourful pottery that will make you smile in years to come.

Tomorrow or whenever you’re ready to start thinking about what you want with him, here’s my take:
His behaviour over this sounds like a mini version of future faking. He tells you he’s going to do this great thing for you for a year and gets to make you feel like he values you and is prepared to do more for you than is the case. For a year you respond to him as though he’s the sort of man who will do all these things for you, and he likes that, he likes what it does for him without him actually having to be the sort of man he’s pretended he is. He may have thought he was on thin ice after the last birthday and this was his way to try and negate that and keep you thinking of him as more in love with you than he is. I do think it’s easy to fail to deliver big plans, but he hasn’t just done that, he’s failed to deliver anything at all. That’s hurtful and he knew it (or he wouldn’t have been making all these promises over the last year). He knew it at Christmas when he brought up your ideas again. He knew it last weekend when he did whatever he did instead of buying you a present and booking a trip. He knew it on Saturday when he thought about getting the binoculars too late. And all those times he didn’t even go out and get you a card. He’s shown you who he really is when it comes to lifting you up and treating you. Maybe he’s really stepped up in other ways, some people do find celebrations like birthdays hard because of their own poor childhoods and the like. But most of the time someone who does what your DP has done is just not into a mutually loving relationship, they are looking for maximum return with minimum input regardless of how that makes you feel.

Your last two sentences are incredibly offensive. Please consider changing your wording.

I like men with follow through - when they say they are going to do something for you then they do it. Now my husband doesn't make much of a fuss about birthdays but if I gave him a choice of 4 activities and intimated that one of the four would be wonderful and I wanted a fuss, he'd get on and do it. He wants to make me happy.

I just cringed hearing you'd done 10 hours overtime to pay for the materials for his birthday and then worked another 14 hours creating it.

He promised you all the things about a wonderful day and did nothing whatsoever. He insisted you not book anything because he was going to arrange it. You missed out on organising something that would have been fun with family and friends.

I would be raging and there would be nothing passive about it in the face of such utterly appalling behaviour. I'd point out all the above. I'd be suggesting where he could put those binoculars. I'd also be very thankful I wasn't living with him. I just don't think it is worth continuing the relationship. He hasn't got your back as they say.

My post is to try to assist the OP with the problem she posted, based on my life experience, not to cater to what "offends you" on a word-by-word basis. If you have a problem with anything I say, you're free to report it and the mods can handle it, according to their opinion of what's okay and what's not, not yours. Otherwise, do not police me. I'm not interested.

A polite request to consider your wording is not 'policing'.

Oh that’s not good.
And considering the current climate and the amount of people worried about all types of disability, appalling really.
Not funny.

I don’t celebrate birthdays much and I’m usually the first to say someone is being OTT for a thread like this.
I think you’ve also jumped the gun and assumed he’s got nothing planned before even knowing it.

But if he genuinely hasn’t got you anything or made any plans for your big 40th then I would actually end the relationship over it. Which I never thought I’d hear myself say.

Normally, I'd say you were being a bit over-the-top with your upset, but, actually, knowing that you've made it very clear what kind of thing you'd like to do on your birthday, and being that it's a 'big' one, I'd be pretty unimpressed in your shoes.
He knew this was a big deal for you, he knew that you had some expectations (not even massively unreasonable ones!), he knew you'd be likely to be upset with no action, and he still thought it was OK to not plan anything for you.
The card thing, I'd be OK with that, I've always thought cards are a bit pointless unless you're the type who likes to save them, but the not even getting you the present you'd given him lots of notice about is unforgivable in my opinion.
Why even bother getting you to book time off together and then not bother doing anything?! Ridiculous. You could have spent the day with your sister, doing what you'd like to be doing.
I hope you've had a good day anyway, but I'd be seriously rethinking whether I wanted to be a relationship with somebody who just couldn't be bothered to make the effort. Happy Birthday by the way! I had my 50th last year and the last 11 months have been some of the happiest ever after a crappy few years before. I hope you'll be saying the same in a year's time.

How long have you been with him op?

you booked the week off of your birthday during term time with no set plans and you have three school aged kids?

wasn’t that a bit of a waste when I’m guessing as a single mother, a week’s holiday is precious and usually saved up to coincide with school hols?

Good to know that you are able to use the edit function .

All the best to you.

Happy Birthday OP! 🎉 🎂
I hope you’ve enjoyed your pottery class.

Happy Birthday, @wherethewildrosesgrow .

You deserve so much better. 💐

I turn 50 soon, @DriveMeCrazy1974 and I’ve had a crappy few years, so your post gives me hope! :-)

It was her 50th( not 40) and I hope she will have enjoyed the pottery day. Enjoy the meal with only your children. You should have not been treated like this.🙁

I had a best friend for 15 years. When it came to one of my big birthdays she said we'd go for a spa day, nice meal after in the hotel etc. So I didn't make plans with my husband or kids.
After ringing her for hours with no answer, she finally got back to me at 1pm and said 'oh my daughter in law doesn't work at the hotel any more, so I can't get a discount, shall we meet at the garden centre for afternoon tea'.

I was so annoyed as I'd gone to town to make her birthday lovely.

I told her she was a crap friend for letting me down and ruining my special day.
We haven't spoken since and that was 10 years ago.

Hope you've had a lovely day with the pottery, and that there's a whole heap of treats waiting for you on your return. Happy birthday.

Just a thought?is he bluffing you and pretending just so you think he's got nothing planned?had it done to me,just saying.hope I'm right

Happy Birthday my love!!

Enjoy your Pottery! I’ve always wanted to give it a whirl.

I’m sorry your day started off so poorly, I hope things improve by this evening.

Let us know how your Pottery went!

xx