Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

No I would go alone.

Take a book.

I took myself out on my birthday - wasn’t a special one but I fancied sushi to I went to a local place where they do nice sushi and also Japanese deserts which I love. Went for lunch so it’s somehow more acceptable to be alone.

Happy birthday OP! I hope you have a good day after all this shite. There's a lot of love here for you and wise advice already said. XXX

Happy 50th birthday, @wherethewildrosesgrow 🎂🍾💐

I hope you enjoy your pottery and meal with the kids (no, do NOT book him a place).

He's built it up to a big thing so he's either 1) genuinely done fuck all and is a useless twat, OR

2. he's got something up his sleeve for later and thinks that making you feel utterly uncared for first will somehow make that even better. It wouldn't (and no, I don't think he has sorted anything anyway).

Pp made a good point about ensuring he doesn't have the chance to bleat that he "had planned to do xyz but you spoilt it by going off on your own".

I hope you enjoy your day and even if you get whisked off somewhere super exciting later, I hope you tell him he's a thoughtless prick and you expected better, partly as you deserve it after such a shit decade, and partly because he bloody set up those expectations. Hugs. Xx

Happy birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow , hope you enjoy your time at the pottery studio and have a wonderful meal with your kids tonight. Do not invite your partner no.

I cannot conceive of letting your partner's birthday pass without a card and at least small gifts anyway. To me, just what's the point? What's the point of being with someone who is supposed to love you but can't be arsed to make a little bit of effort on your birthday, even if it's just a token something. BUT the cruel part is how much he bigged it up, how he went on about what a special day you were going to have, told you to get something nice to wear, not to book anything else, asked for gift suggestions and then just did nothing. That's deliberately cruel actually, not just a 'oh men are useless' type thing, but he went out of his way to raise your expectations and then, knowing that you were excited and looking forward to the day, he pointedly let you down. To me, it would be close to relationship ending honestly, there'd need to be a hell of a good explanation and a lot of self-reflection/ positive action on his part for me to think otherwise.

EDIT - the above is assuming he's not faking it to 'surprise you' as others have said. But it's a shit way to do it if he is, and I just find it unlikely given how specific he's been in raising your expectations and asking for suggestions. That's not really the actions of someone planning a big surprise? Surely you'd just say what was needed for practicalities i.e. 'keep the date free'. Then be all 'oooh, just wait and see' when the topic comes up. You wouldn't go on about it quite so much, then suddenly switch to acting like there was NOTHING planned. My husband might be all like 'ooh yes, I hope McDonalds still has a table when we get there, unfortunately Greggs fell through' with a wink and a smile, not just 'birthday, what birthday?'.

But even if there is some big surprise, it's shitty to make the other person to fell sad, forgotten and unimportant for the lead up and a big part of the day itself just to have YOUR payoff of being able to yell surprise at the end of it. If the person you're planning for would even appreciate a surprise, then the way to do it is to let them feel happy that they're going to have a nice day anyway, then make it BETTER with your additional surprise, not make them feel utterly shit and then go 'oh surprise, I know you've been miserable all day but I actually DID book a table in the pub, taa daa aren't I great?'

Happy 50th Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow
I hope you are out & having a lovely day.

Sorry your fella seems like quite the loser - to promise so much and do nothing is frankly cruel & uncaring. I'd be upset too. I'd ditch him myself, but maybe on another day.

However you day pans out, I hope you have a lovely time today.

Happy 50th birthday and I hope you have a fabulous time at the pottery class @wherethewildrosesgrow . I think there being one space left was a sign that it was meant for you.

I’d be feeling disappointed and let down by your partner too. How dare they let you get your hopes up that they would plan something lovely together and just not bother. What a twat, you definitely deserve better.

Have a think at where you and your kids would enjoy eating at tonight and book it for the lot of you. Not DP though. Him even being there will just be irritating.

Your thread has inspired me to start thinking about my 50th birthday (it’s not until next year!) already!

Happy birthday!! Hope you enjoy the pottery class ✨

It’s the expectation that’s awful isn’t it? When someone makes big promises, and we then come to expect something big that we wouldn’t otherwise have expected? That can leave you feeling deflated.

But perhaps just see today as a celebration of you and your independence- YOU made it through an abusive marriage, awful divorce, financial difficulty, illness in the family etc, whilst providing a sense of stability for your kids. You’re 50 and you did this! I’d be booking the restaurant for 1 (or seeing if a friend could make it last minute). He’s not a reliable man and that’s not someone you should want to build a life with.

Happy Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow. Have a lovely day and try not to let your disappointment in your DP taint it
Hoping that the first day of your fifties is your line in the sand. You sound amazing and hope you continue to prioritise you and your kids.
whatever you decide to do about your do ( the d stands for disappointment) do not lift one finger for his next birthday

Happy birthday !!! Hopefully dp has pulled something out the bag.

but yeah this would be a dumping offence for me. Ignore all the haters, you are 50, you made an effort on his bd, you gave him ideas. To do nothing is inexcusable really.

have a good day anyway ! Fuck him !

Happy birthday to you @wherethewildrosesgrow
Screw him!!!
ho out just you and kids and then go out alone tonight cinema or something with a friend. He’s fucked it up which he wouldn’t have if he’d not bothered setting such expectations. Idiot.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Happy 50th OP

I am sorry OP,

Your boyfriend sounds horrid, you already got through one abusive marriage, do you really want another twatty partner? I rather be alone!

I honestly think this would be worse. It would be actively cruel.

Happy birthday!! I hope you have a lovely pottery day. I would go to the restaurant without him, and I would think about whether turning 50 might be the start of a new life without him - onwards and upwards and on to better things! I am so sorry he's been so shit.

Happy Birthday 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Welcome to the fabulous in your 50s club 💃🏻
Enjoy the pottery painting and make tonight about what you want. Don’t waste any time about what’s the ‘right’ thing to do, just imagine tonight and think about which you would enjoy more, with him there or without him. 50s are about increasingly not giving a a flying f* 😉😁

Happy Birthday OP. Enjoy your day and take your kids out for dinner tonight with him.

Happy Birthday!! Have a really enjoyable day and tell everyone it’s your birthday!

Enjoy your day your way!

And also tell him he fucked up. ‘You fucked up big style and you have let me down. That hurts me a lot’

If he doesn’t do anything but agree and promptly panic to sort it out then throw him back. You do deserve more.

Happy Birthday! So sorry that this has soured your day but really hope you can turn it around with some time to yourself doing something fun and a nice meal.

I’m not into birthdays at all - I wouldn’t need a big surprise or fancy day out BUT if I’d been discouraged from from making my own plans, and had my ideas dismissed as ‘not enough’ and been led to believe, repeatedly and for months, that there was going to be some huge effort put in on his part to plan something and then nothing had been done at all, I’d be devastated. It just shows such utter lack of care. Knowing there was no gift (because he messed up and didn’t order anything), he could have made sure there was a nice(ish) breakfast planned for you all - it’s not hard to get croissants or cook pancakes or something, surely.

It feels petty to break up over this, but I don’t actually think it is. It was at worst cruel and at best thoughtless and uncaring. It would definitely change how I viewed a partner. It would depend on how caring and thoughtful they are the rest of the time, whether I could move past it. I’d certainly make sure they were under no illusions about how hurt I was. I’m not sure I could not book them a place at dinner - I think if I was at that point it would be because the whole relationship was over.

Happy Birthday OP. I hope he pulled something out the bag and revealed he'd planned it all along, but it doesn't sound like a realistic outcome.
I really hope you enjoy your pottery and that you treat yourself to a nice lunch somewhere as well as managing to book the restaurant you wanted to try for dinner too. Whether you include him in that or not.

So he completely lied and said he was going to do something special? What is the point of that other than to hurt you? He could've kept his mouth shut but he didn't. That's even worse than the not bothering to do anything, pretending all along he was going to is such a dick move.

Echoing the others who’ve said it’s bad enough not to do anything for a birthday- especially a big one- but even worse to start promising wonderful things a whole year in advance and then have absolutely nothing to show for it. That would feel deliberate and spiteful to me (even if it’s “just” thoughtlessness) and I would struggle to get past it.

Happy birthday OP!! Hope you have a wonderful time at the pottery studio. Perhaps take yourself off for a nice lunch and a browse to the shops. Can you buy yourself some lovely treats perhaps?

No, I wouldn’t be booking him a seat at dinner! Arsehole. Sounds like he had lots of thoughts and actually did nothing. I’d be fuming and done with him.

This 👆

To be blunt, either lower your expectations or dump him.