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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 17/03/2025 10:12

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 17/03/2025 09:11

Book the restaurant and invite everyone but him.

You have spent these years getting out a shitty marriage, you are strong do not settle for mediocre.

This .
He is always going to be a disappointment.
You deserve better OP

LadyDanburysHat · 17/03/2025 10:12

Happy birthday OP! I agree with those saying don't book him a space at dinner. He has made zero effort for you. Enjoy your day with the pottery and dinner with your DC.

Wheresthebeach · 17/03/2025 10:12

Happy Birthday!! So glad he’s only a DP - so much easier to bin. Enjoy dinner with your kids and your pottery day. Time to move on.

Scirocco · 17/03/2025 10:15

Happy birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow - I hope you have a great time at your pottery art studio. You've had birthday greetings from your DC, you've got an awesome dress, and a creative activity that I bet your 'D'P wouldn't have thought of doing and that sounds a great way to spend your birthday. Take yourself out for dinner, maybe invite your sister if you want, but do what you want, where you want! Tell him not to wait up and you go celebrate!

DisneyTokyoNewbie · 17/03/2025 10:15

ScribblingPixie · 17/03/2025 10:11

They're not married and they don't live together, so she can definitely do something fun with her kids later.

Thanks missed the bit where they don't live together. If it wouldn't cause the kids any upset then absolutely go out with them.

Hollietree · 17/03/2025 10:16

Do not book him a seat for dinner.

He hasn’t booked you a seat for dinner. And it’s your birthday! Why on earth would you.

shrinkingthiswinter · 17/03/2025 10:19

Have a lovely time at the pottery studio and a great evening with your DC!

And well done for getting yourself out of that marriage and getting through these last couple of years. You sound strong and impressive. This silly man doesn't realise what he's got. xx

BeesAndCrumpets · 17/03/2025 10:20

To the poster who said the OP was 'kicking off/spoilt brat' give your head a wobble! There is genuine sadness here, and ZERO "kicking off".

OP, Happiest of birthdays to you. I'm sorry your OH is all talk and no trousers. I hope you have the best day. Congrats on finalising the divorce, too. Flowers

Hedonism · 17/03/2025 10:20

🩷🌷🩷 Happy birthday 🩷🌷🩷

I wouldn't invite him this evening because, personally, every time I looked at him I would be reminded that he had done bog all and it would piss me off all night.

Have a great time at the pottery class, and then a lovely evening with your children.

dijonketchup · 17/03/2025 10:22

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU ABSOLUTE ROCK STAR

It sounds like the last few years have been really draining and that, rather than being demanding or a ‘princess’ as some pps have unfairly said, the best present for you would just have been a day planned for you where you don’t have to be responsible for ideas/schedule/budget. Take the burden away from you of always having to be ‘on it’.

You deserve to do exactly what you want for your birthday, but you also deserve the above! So it’s ok to still feel a bit sad.

Hope you have a lovely time.

GalaxyWasOnOffer · 17/03/2025 10:22

I wholeheartedly concur with those who are saying that you've spent years getting out of an abusive marriage @wherethewildrosesgrow, don't go on to settle for a relationship which might seem to be an upgrade in comparison, but in which you experience poor treatment.

Don't listen to any "men can be so useless" tropes either, that's as bad as "boys will be boys." Males shouldn't have excuses made for their shoddy behaviour purely because they are male.

I wouldn't include him in your birthday meal. He doesn't deserve to be there. He's the one who should have arranged this, he doesn't get a seat at the table of the event you're organising for your own 50th because he didn't get on with it.

Happy birthday from another 1975 woman! I hope you have a lovely day, and that the decade ahead is the one in which you finally prioritise yourself 💐

Tbry24 · 17/03/2025 10:23

Happy birthday. Enjoy your new dress and pottery class. Then go out for coffee and cake and take the kids out for tea. Do not include him.

EggsRoyaleonaSunday · 17/03/2025 10:25

Happy birthday!!! 🥳

I came back this morning hoping he’d pulled something out of the bag and I’m fuming on your behalf. Pottery dressed up sounds ideal! I hope you have a wonderful time and enjoy your meal tonight WITHOUT him. Don’t let him take any more away from this day than he already has. You don’t owe him any explanations, time or brainpower. Have the best day today and a lovely time with your sister tomorrow ❤️

Jojoisnotmyname · 17/03/2025 10:25

Good morning Wild Roses 🥳 Happy 50th birthday 🎂❤️
I'm sorry your DP hasn't organised anything for your special day!
I'm pretty sure 50th birthday celebrations last for a month, so please spend it doing all the things that would make you happy, with people that care!
Enjoy your class today, and have a lovely evening meal with the kids.
Please also show us what you made at the class. 💐

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 17/03/2025 10:28

Happy birthday op! Enjoy your pottery class and I would not tell him about tonight. I would probably even packi a change of clothes for the kids, book us all into a hotel l, go for the meal and leave him in an empty house to stew.

BippidyBoppety · 17/03/2025 10:28

Happy Birthday - enjoy your pottery day, your time with your children, and be angry with him tomorrow ... don't allow him headspace on Your day! Deal with tomorrow.

OtherCoraline · 17/03/2025 10:29

Happy Birthday OP, I hope that you have a lovely time at pottery. I just want to echo what others have said upthread, that just because DP isn’t abusive, it doesn’t mean that you should settle for that. You deserve to be unbelievably happy Flowers

UpHillVerySlowly · 17/03/2025 10:30

Happy Birthday to you! Welcome to the 50s where you can stop trying to please everyone and make time for yourself. My DH is useless at presents and treats so I plan my own. It's the way forward. 🥳 🎉

anon4net · 17/03/2025 10:36

Happy 50th Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow Cake

I've read all your posts in the thread and do wonder if maybe you moved on with a man that had you had more time, may not have chosen. I think sometimes when you leave a horrific relationship with an abuser, then meet a man who is safe (not abusive) things look so rosy that relationships move fast. If i was in your shoes I'd be curious about what I get from this relationship and whether it's really right for me b/c I wonder if there's more than just the Birthday stuff.

All that aside, have the best day you can. Hoping you enjoyed your craft class! Have a good day with your sister tomorrow! Flowers

Crazycatlady79 · 17/03/2025 10:39

Happy Birthday!
I'm sorry, I haven't had time to RTFT, but hope you can do something special for YOU today. 💚

andfinallyhereweare · 17/03/2025 10:40

I really hope this is a fake out on his part and he surprises you! Happy birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow enjoy your day regardless

littlemissprosseco · 17/03/2025 10:40

It’s a big Birthday!
Let it be the first day of the rest of your life 🥳 🥂🍾🥳

DollieBantrysPantry · 17/03/2025 10:40

Happy Birthday OP, hope you have a great time at the pottery class, you deserve to enjoy your day 🎉

AmbitiousHalibut · 17/03/2025 10:43
Classic Film Birthday GIF by Stephanie

Happy Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow ! You sound like such a thoughtful, creative, resourceful woman. I hope you have the loveliest day painting your pottery, and meet some fellow bright sparky people to have a giggle / piece of cake with.

I hope you can take a moment to look in the mirror and congratulate yourself for showing up for yourself in style (emotionally AND in your lovely new dress!).

May your dinner be all the more delicious for the company of your kids and the knowledge that you're a rock star.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/03/2025 10:46

' The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero. '

It's a Monday here in England, you haven't indicted where you live but I would be surprised if every restaurant / pub you want is fully booked.
As you plan to take children with you, I guess it's not a Michelin star restaurant ?

Go ahead and book for you and your children, your boyfriend. although he seems to stay at yours a lot - doesn't live with you, he can go home !

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