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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
RoundandRounnnd · 17/03/2025 09:26

He specifically told me not to book anything, he wanted to give me a day I deserved, I gave him at least four different ideas. He thought about those, and said they didn’t seem enough…

No, what’s not enough is him 🏌👜🏡

Fairnair · 17/03/2025 09:26

@wherethewildrosesgrow

Happy 50th Birthday 🎂🍾💐🥳🎂🍾💐🥳

Enjoy your pottery activity & have a great time with your sister tomorrow.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 17/03/2025 09:26

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 09:04

He specifically told me not to book anything, he wanted to give me a day I deserved, I gave him at least four different ideas.
He thought about those, and said they didn’t seem enough, they were ok, but he wanted to add/build on these, so I was thinking maybe not just the river cruise, but maybe lunch somewhere too, as well as the evening meal, hence the dress.
Anyway, I’ve just dropped the children at school, I’m back home about to put on my dress and make up (bit much for the school run),then I will just leave.
The children made me some cards over breakfast, and I was fetched a yogurt and banana for breakfast.
He’s up, he’s said Happy Birthday, but no card, no plans mentioned for either the day or the evening.
I’m going to try get into the restaurant that was discussed, would you book a place for him?
I don’t know what to do, I just feel dead.

Hi OP, I’m sorry that he’s not making effort and hasn’t even given you cards and pressies?? Even if they were a book, box of chocs, wine etc it’s nice to have something to open. I say book lunch for one and do your pottery thing. This level of contempt from him towards my birthday would be relationship ending for me.

TryForSpring · 17/03/2025 09:27

What a silly prick he is. If you book for him as well then you are enabling his uselessness.

Mylittlebobble · 17/03/2025 09:27

Happy Birthday! I'd be inclined to make a stand in someway, and possibly not invite him. Otherwise he might think he's wriggled out of your bad books, and if he sees you've had a nice time could say, "why are you upset when we've had a lovely meal". But maybe I'm cynical?

TheSoapyFrog · 17/03/2025 09:27

Happy birthday OP. 🎉 I'm sorry he's let you down so badly. I'd probably ask him directly if he has actually planned anything today, and then take yourself off if he hasn't. And don't book him in for dinner.

If he's pretending he hasn't got anything planned, and then surprises you later, it's still a shitty thing to do, especially knowing your history.

Zippidydoodah · 17/03/2025 09:28

@wherethewildrosesgrow ah, happy birthday. I was hoping your update today would be that he’d pulled it out of the bag, but I guess not. I’m so sorry!

don’t book him a place at the table.

Enjoy your pottery painting in your lovely new dress!

Zippidydoodah · 17/03/2025 09:29

Maybe pick the children up and go straight out somewhere before dinner 💐

ThanksItHasPockets · 17/03/2025 09:29

The usual pass-agg suggestions are rolling in, I see. Don’t do any of them. Ask him directly if he has planned something for today. If the answer is no, tell him honestly how you disappointed you are and go straight out. Don’t be drawn into a row on your birthday. Tell him he needs to make his own plans for this evening as you will be out with your children.

Mudkipper · 17/03/2025 09:29

Happy birthday, OP! I hope you have a great day.

MrsBreadPitt · 17/03/2025 09:30

Wishing you a very happy 50th birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow ! 🎈

If you go to your pottery class, try to set aside any irritation or disappointment and just enjoy it as much as you can.

If you’d like to go out for dinner, tell him to book it.

Then tomorrow, I’d sit him down for an honest conversation about how this has felt for you. Doing nothing is one thing, but spending months building up expectations—only to have them let down—is something else entirely. More than anything, it meant you didn’t make plans for yourself, and that’s incredibly unfair.

Your 50th is a big deal. It was his chance to show you how cherished you are. He’s acknowledged how hard things have been for you and has seen the effort you put into his birthday, so doing nothing in return feels lazy, thoughtless, and unkind.

If the rest of the relationship is great, maybe you can let this go and adjust your expectations of him moving forward. But I also think this could change the way you see him—and that might be hard to ignore.

You might even decide to start this new decade as a single woman, with a difficult divorce behind you and a wide-open road of possibilities ahead. 🎉🥳

JingsMahBucket · 17/03/2025 09:32

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 07:47

To be fair to him, last year I was in court trying to sort one of the many parts of my divorce and financials and abuse case…it was all very last minute, and I was totally drained afterward, and still had a long way to go.

@wherethewildrosesgrow stop trying "to be fair" to him. He hasn't been fair to you and he's completely lied to you for the past year or at least the past couple months since Christmas. This would be a deal breaker for a lot of people. You deserve much better, especially after your history of relationships. I think that actually makes this worse. He's seen you struggle with your ex for the past four years and now repeats similar horrible behaviour. You're better without him. Enjoy your day and get rid of him. 💐

Glitchymn1 · 17/03/2025 09:34
Middle Age Birthday GIF by Kimmy Ramone

Happy 50th Birthday- hope he realises he’s screwed up and pulls it out of the bag somehow.

Lolapusht · 17/03/2025 09:34

Happy birthday OP!!

Have a fabulous day and don’t waste your energy on him today. Save that for tomorrow. Shield wall for your boundaries. One of the good things about being 50 is that you no longer have to put up with the nonsense of others.

Happy dotting!

🥂🍾🍾🍾🍾🎂

godmum56 · 17/03/2025 09:37

ThanksItHasPockets · 17/03/2025 09:29

The usual pass-agg suggestions are rolling in, I see. Don’t do any of them. Ask him directly if he has planned something for today. If the answer is no, tell him honestly how you disappointed you are and go straight out. Don’t be drawn into a row on your birthday. Tell him he needs to make his own plans for this evening as you will be out with your children.

this

ScribblingPixie · 17/03/2025 09:37

Happy birthday, @wherethewildrosesgrow The art day sounds brilliant, I hope you really enjoy it. Take your kids out afterwards, somewhere nice that you'd like to go to. Write your useless sidekick out of the day, try not to even give him a thought. Make the day your own. The fifties are a terrific decade for putting yourself first!

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 17/03/2025 09:41

My exh ruined my 40th with his selfish man child behaviour.. He was an exh before I was 41..
I married lovely dh on my 44th!!
No need you stay with a man who shows you such little love and respect...

wizzywig · 17/03/2025 09:41

Pls show us your amazing pottery item. Have an amazing day op. He has really messed up but he's not your issue anymore.

wizzywig · 17/03/2025 09:43

Your post about what you did for his birthday grabbed my heart. It was beautiful what you did for him. He has dangled this promise of a birthday you wouldn't forget for months. How dare he think that your 4 ideas weren't good enough.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 09:47

wizzywig · 17/03/2025 09:43

Your post about what you did for his birthday grabbed my heart. It was beautiful what you did for him. He has dangled this promise of a birthday you wouldn't forget for months. How dare he think that your 4 ideas weren't good enough.

He didn't even have to think. She gave him suggestions so he could have done minimum effort and booked something she had asked for. Instead he's decided he couldn't be arsed to open a website and type a few details in and framed it as "your ideas weren't good enough". Such a twit.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/03/2025 09:47

ThanksItHasPockets · 17/03/2025 09:29

The usual pass-agg suggestions are rolling in, I see. Don’t do any of them. Ask him directly if he has planned something for today. If the answer is no, tell him honestly how you disappointed you are and go straight out. Don’t be drawn into a row on your birthday. Tell him he needs to make his own plans for this evening as you will be out with your children.

Do this. I’m sorry he’s a useless twat (you can do better you know, just sayin’). Have a great birthday, you deserve it.

KenIsAnAccessory · 17/03/2025 09:48

Happy birthday OP! 🎉

I hope you have a great day. Really poor show from your DP. I'd go for dinner without him if it were me. Do you have some friends or family you can invite along?

alwaysanticipating · 17/03/2025 09:49

HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY OP!! I hope you are really enjoying your pottery day, such a good idea to go ahead and book it. It sounds as if you have survived a lot of tough stuff in the past few years. You are clearly very thoughtful and resilient and I really hope, despite DP having been so useless about all this, you can celebrate yourself and all you have got through. Wishing you so much fun and fulfilment this year and beyond.

PenAndPapyrus · 17/03/2025 09:49

You’re getting a gift. Either something thoughtful from him, or the gift of freedom from this relationship. Both options are lovely. Happy birthday to you!

Weenurse · 17/03/2025 09:51

@wherethewildrosesgrow i feel your pain, I was 60 last week and I got a lotto ticket and supermarket roses from DH.
Enjoy your day 💐🥂

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