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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
spiderlight · 17/03/2025 09:08

Happy birthday! Sorry he's been so useless.

WindyRiver · 17/03/2025 09:08

Happy Birthday! 🥳🥳 Sorry it's not looking like the big extravaganza it was built up to be, but the pottery sounds fun. It sounds like your 40s were a rough ride, so onwards and upwards for your 50s. All the best.

itsjustbiology · 17/03/2025 09:08

OP People only treat you the way you allow them to.That is my birthday gift to you. Happy Birthday xx

littlemissprosseco · 17/03/2025 09:08

You could call his bluff. Put the dress and the make up on, turn up at his……” I’m ready for my big promised day…. I’m so excited! What are we doing? I’ve popped a pair of trainers in my bag just in case there’s a bit of walking “

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 17/03/2025 09:09

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 09:04

He specifically told me not to book anything, he wanted to give me a day I deserved, I gave him at least four different ideas.
He thought about those, and said they didn’t seem enough, they were ok, but he wanted to add/build on these, so I was thinking maybe not just the river cruise, but maybe lunch somewhere too, as well as the evening meal, hence the dress.
Anyway, I’ve just dropped the children at school, I’m back home about to put on my dress and make up (bit much for the school run),then I will just leave.
The children made me some cards over breakfast, and I was fetched a yogurt and banana for breakfast.
He’s up, he’s said Happy Birthday, but no card, no plans mentioned for either the day or the evening.
I’m going to try get into the restaurant that was discussed, would you book a place for him?
I don’t know what to do, I just feel dead.

Do whatever you want. Would you enjoy the meal with him? Or would you prefer just your children at this point?

If it were me and I was disappointed in DH like you are, I would just want to go with DD, or I'd have called my extended family to see if they were free / fancied dinner. But if you think you'll still have fun with him, do that.

Personally, the lies over the last year about how he's planning things would be it for me. Why bother with the pretending? So much more effort than just booking an activity and a meal. If he's willing to lie about booking birthday plans, what else is he willing to lie about?

Marinel · 17/03/2025 09:09

I've been reading your thread and I completely sympathise with you. I had a similar issue with my OH on a recent birthday and it does leave you feeling shattered.

He seems to be all talk and no do. How could he carry on with the promises for months and yet produce nothing on the day?

Re the restaurant, what will make you feel better, for him to be there or not? Do that.

Happy birthday, I hope you manage to have a good day.

TallulahBetty · 17/03/2025 09:09

Not even a card?! LTB - and I rarely say that.

Happy birthday OP x

AMomentOfTruth · 17/03/2025 09:10

Happy birthday to you! 🎶🎶
Have a lovely time painting your pottery x

Swiftie1878 · 17/03/2025 09:11

Happy Birthday! 🎉🥳🍾🙌🎊🥂🎁🎈

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 17/03/2025 09:11

Book the restaurant and invite everyone but him.

You have spent these years getting out a shitty marriage, you are strong do not settle for mediocre.

mommatoone · 17/03/2025 09:11

Happy Birthday OP 🎂. Get your new frock on, out the door and enjoy your pottery class. Make the day about you. X

Purplebunnie · 17/03/2025 09:13

Happy Birthday OP,, hugs xx

CoffeeWithHer · 17/03/2025 09:14

Happy Birthday darling OP!
It’s going to take monumental effort to lift you out of this today and unfortunately it lands at your feet to do it. It may actually be too much to do after the year you’ve had but don’t worry, you’ve got all of us behind you and I hope all the love and best wishes lift you slightly. That strangers on the internet have remembered…..you deserve more than this though! Your children should have been promted about their cards days ago, with a small posy of flowers or a token gift (really your DP could have sorted that at 7pm last night) for this morning….

BUT it’s clear as day - it’s up to you today and in times of an absolute shit show I like to remember this quote.

"Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried but actually you've been planted.”

Drench yourself in sunshine and water OP. He may be a lovely man in other aspects but he isn’t enough for you. And there is nothing wrong in wanting someone who is.

maltravers · 17/03/2025 09:14

Can you ask your sister if she can meet you for dinner/lunch a visit somewhere after the pottery with any old friends who can be rustled up. And I would have a short conversation with your partner - he knew it was important to you, said he would make plans. Has he? If not he has let you down and really hurt your feelings.

NotmeMother · 17/03/2025 09:15

I'm so praying he's going to surprise you with something great and will be very disappointed for you if it doesn't happen. I'd say do what a pp said and come down all done up and ask what the plan is today? If he doesn't have said plan then just breeze out of that door and don't look back.

Wishing you a very happy birthday xx

GameOfJones · 17/03/2025 09:15

Happy birthday!

Make sure you have a fabulous time pottery painting and show us a picture of what you have painted! 😄

I wouldn't book him a space at dinner tonight, I'd just take your children out for a meal but do whichever will make you feel better today. Then hopefully you can have a lovely day with your sister tomorrow and talk to her about what an utter moron he is.

Giving someone false excitement with promises that they'll plan a treat and then not planning anything is shit behaviour. Because of him spouting rubbish you haven't been able to make your own plans. He really is full of shit.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 17/03/2025 09:15

Happy Birthday OP. I hope you can have a nice day but why not ask him straight - what have you planned for today?

if it’s nothing then you know he’s cocked this up and you go and do your pottery and book your own meal with your dc.

But I would check first - it’s then clear if he has or hasn’t booked something so he can’t backtrack later, you know all the “I was going to do xyz but you spoilt it by going off to your pottery thing”

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/03/2025 09:15

Happy birthday! 🎉🎂🎈

No don’t book for him. Go with the kids, or a friend.

Sorry he’s been so pathetically crap.

TheAmusedQuail · 17/03/2025 09:16
Happy Birthday Love GIF

🌺Happy Birthday chick🌸
Hope you have a lovely time with the pottery. I'd love to do that, so hopefully you'll really enjoy it.

GoldStar2 · 17/03/2025 09:17

Happy birthday 🎉 Have a good day at the pottery.

I wouldn’t book anything for him. If he’s really come up with nothing then at least you know where you are and won’t waste any more years with him.

Whinge · 17/03/2025 09:17

so he can’t backtrack later, you know all the “I was going to do xyz but you spoilt it by going off to your pottery thing”

We all know he hasn't booked anything, but this is such a good point.

He sounds exactly like the sort of person who will try and gaslight you into being the one who ruined his make believe plans.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 17/03/2025 09:18

I’m going to try get into the restaurant that was discussed, would you book a place for him?
I don’t know what to do, I just feel dead.

No. I wouldn’t. He’s really let you down. He made so many false promises and made no effort at all. There’s not even a card for you. I’d be so, so hurt.

AmandaHoldensLips · 17/03/2025 09:22

That is so spectacularly shit I am utterly speechless.

Wish I could send you flowers, wine and a big card for your birthday, but in absence of that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

As far as he goes, you know you deserve better, right? I don't think I could be with someone who thought so little of me.

MatildaTheCat · 17/03/2025 09:24

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @wherethewildrosesgrow .

Have a splendid day doing your pottery and having dinner with your DC.

If you decide to speak to your P just tell him factually that he’s fucked up in a way that a gift cannot repair. Unfortunately this is a Thing with some men, only you know if the good bits make this worth it.

Enjoy your 50s the decade of No Fucks Given!

Jellyslothbridge · 17/03/2025 09:25

Happy Birthday. I would do as others have suggested and get changed and present yourself ready for a celebration (then go to your pottery and he has that time to decorate/make a cake and cook for later when you return) I think you now need 50 treats/days out this year to mark your birthday over the year.