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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I just get up and go out?

969 replies

wherethewildrosesgrow · 16/03/2025 09:50

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

OP posts:
Anonanonandon · 17/03/2025 08:15

Happy Birthday. I was so hoping that he had done a good bluffing job and that you would be woken this morning with breakfast in bed, flowers and a surprise day out to one of your chosen venues. I am so sorry I was wrong. I think it is made worse by the empty promises.

Enjoy your pots.Flowers

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/03/2025 08:17

Happy birthday. 🎉🎂

glittereyelash · 17/03/2025 08:18

Happy birthday. Hope you have a wonderful day at your class. I hope he makes an effort to at least get you some decent flowers and wine while you are out. I'm truly hoping he's playing dumb and actually has something wonderful planned... if not I hope he learns from this and doesnt make the same mistake again.

FuckityFux · 17/03/2025 08:25

Happy 50th birthday OP! 🎂 🥳🎉

My 50th was pretty shit. DH had bought some basic gifts but no plans to go out anywhere so I did kick off and made it clear that this was totally unacceptable.

He’s normally very good at planning nice stuff so I was shocked that he didn’t do anything special for my 50th of all birthdays, especially as I’d done something very nice for his some years earlier. For my 40th, he’d organised a trip to NY and a party.

It’s my 60th later this year and he’s already got the holiday booked. 🥰

RunLikeTheWild · 17/03/2025 08:28

Happy birthday op!
I found turning 50 very liberating, I think it was that big zero felt like a reset button.
Hope you feel the same 💐

BitterAndTwistedClub · 17/03/2025 08:30

Have a wonderful 50th birthday OP. I’m delighted that you got a day in EB’s studio booked - I’m quite jealous! However I would recommend that you think long and hard about this relationship. It is still relatively new and the lack of effort for a significant birthday is, I think, quite astonishing and incredibly hurtful. I would worry what his attitude towards you will be in years to come if this is him now. I’m afraid I would struggle to get over this. As my dear old departed mum would have said, don’t sell yourself short!

DisneyTokyoNewbie · 17/03/2025 08:40

Happy birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow . I'm sorry he's so useless at birthdays. I get it. I have one of those too. He's so kind and thoughtful in so many ways but Christmas bad birthdays are torture for him. He spends weeks blithely ignoring the impending date then the day before panics and can't make a decision. All of the little bits of help I give him still don't really work... Like putting a note in his diary for a few weeks before and giving him lists of things people might like.

It feels rubbish being on the receiving end. Especially when you make such a fuss of everyone else on their birthdays.

How old are your children? Old enough to have organised something?

Fimofriend · 17/03/2025 08:40

Happy birthday, @wherethewildrosesgrow !

What are you going to paint? I painted a yarn bowl some years ago, but it broke. I have one made of wood now, but I miss the porcelain one.

RoundandRounnnd · 17/03/2025 08:44

Happy Birthday, OP. Enjoy your day! I think your DP is incredibly lazy and this will becoming wearing over time. Save yourself the hassle and make changes to your current set up now.

ThanksItHasPockets · 17/03/2025 08:45

Happy birthday, OP! 🥳

You are right to know your worth. Have a lovely day today. There are some big and difficult decisions coming but they can wait until tomorrow.

Tiredofallthis101 · 17/03/2025 08:46

I think I'd just double check with him he had no plans before disappearing off just I'm case he's bluffing but otherwise I say go for the pottery thing, sounds lovely. Happy birthday! I'd be giving him a massive bollocking as well and making it very clear you expect a surprise in the next couple of weeks to partly make up for it. It's just so selfish. All those times he made comments at Christmas he could have been buying your gift then and booking the trip/restaurant. What an idiot. Do you think secretly there's a money issue? As in he is spending more than he should be which means he doesn't have what he should have available eg due to gambling.

Frostynoman · 17/03/2025 08:47

Happy Birthday OP! Looking forward to a picture of your new mug later ☕️

user1492757084 · 17/03/2025 08:48

Be honest and respond to him asking what you would like.

No, I'm happy with whatever lovely surprise you have planned. You have told me that you've put a lot of thought into it and I trust that. I know that I will be thoroughly spoilt tomorrow; we'll have a special time and I can't wait! I'm so looking forward to the surprise.

Then wake up tomorrow and feel happy.
Go along with the gift to where ever, eating nice food etc.

If he has forgotten, pretend not to notice. Let him rush about and fix the arrangements.

Maurepas · 17/03/2025 08:48

VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

NimbleTiger · 17/03/2025 08:50

Happy birthday 🎂 x

Sixtygpingonthirty · 17/03/2025 08:52

Wishing you a very happy birthday OP. Hope you have a lovely day. 🥳

I’ve been there ….on my 40th birthday. I had a party the weekend before, arranged and paid for by myself, including doing all the food and decorations. On the actual day he buggered off to a job, took the kids (15 & 8) with him so in my naivety thought he had a surprise planned ….. nope!

My mum rang at tea time to ask how I spent the day, when i told her doing nothing she was so disappointed for me, said if only she knew she’d have taken me out for lunch. I think a lot of people, if not working, would be happy to drop everything for a friends birthday if they thought they’d be alone. 😌 I was too proud/embarrassed to ask.

When we spoke about it a few weeks later DH said I’d had my party, he didn't expect/realise that the actual day should also have been special? And he’d taken the kids as he was doing a job at a friends place/farm and thought the kids would like it! 🙃. He’s still oblivious. My friend had the same, always organises her own birthday events as says left it to her husband once and it was shit!

Sending biggest hugs and birthday wishes to you. And hoping you have a peaceful and enjoyable day. Xxx

user1498572889 · 17/03/2025 08:53

Happy birthday OP. I hope you have a lovely day Flowers

RoundandRounnnd · 17/03/2025 08:55

user1492757084 · 17/03/2025 08:48

Be honest and respond to him asking what you would like.

No, I'm happy with whatever lovely surprise you have planned. You have told me that you've put a lot of thought into it and I trust that. I know that I will be thoroughly spoilt tomorrow; we'll have a special time and I can't wait! I'm so looking forward to the surprise.

Then wake up tomorrow and feel happy.
Go along with the gift to where ever, eating nice food etc.

If he has forgotten, pretend not to notice. Let him rush about and fix the arrangements.

OP's birthday is TODAY.

MinnieGirl · 17/03/2025 08:56

Happy birthday!
I hope you have a lovely time at the pottery studio. Wear your new dress, and have a fabulous time.
But… tomorrow or the next day gave a very calm word with this man…tell him how much he let you down. How thoughtless he was. How bad he made you feel. And that you are questioning a relationship with a man who could be so unkind to you. And let him squirm a bit. It’s his shame and he needs to know how he’s made you feel.

mumda · 17/03/2025 08:56

Happy birthday.
May it be the start of your future.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 17/03/2025 08:58

Happy birthday 🎈 🎈 and enjoy your pottery day.

wherethewildrosesgrow · 17/03/2025 09:04

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 17/03/2025 07:42

This is what we did. My partner's surprise bit was how much they'd saved for my birthday. They told me that, also said what they thought I might like to do, and we planned & booked it together.

He specifically told me not to book anything, he wanted to give me a day I deserved, I gave him at least four different ideas.
He thought about those, and said they didn’t seem enough, they were ok, but he wanted to add/build on these, so I was thinking maybe not just the river cruise, but maybe lunch somewhere too, as well as the evening meal, hence the dress.
Anyway, I’ve just dropped the children at school, I’m back home about to put on my dress and make up (bit much for the school run),then I will just leave.
The children made me some cards over breakfast, and I was fetched a yogurt and banana for breakfast.
He’s up, he’s said Happy Birthday, but no card, no plans mentioned for either the day or the evening.
I’m going to try get into the restaurant that was discussed, would you book a place for him?
I don’t know what to do, I just feel dead.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 17/03/2025 09:06

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @wherethewildrosesgrow 💃👑🎂and many more of them. I'd go out looking fabulous and I'd sack him off. This makes my blood boil on your behalf. If you don't bin him, I would never do anything again for Christmas or birthday until he got the message but I don't think I could get past this...

JayJayj · 17/03/2025 09:06

No, do not book a place for him. You and your children should just go.

Headabovetheparapets · 17/03/2025 09:07

Happy Birthday @wherethewildrosesgrow enjoy your pottery day & hope tonight you can have a nice meal with the family.
Please ignore those saying your being childish for wanting to feel seen & cared for on your birthday it’s not unreasonable & to anyone who thinks the ignoring the birthday person & pretending it’s all forgotten is cruel unless you genuinely know the other will enjoy it. It means most of their birthday is spent feeling sad which is just unkind.
A big surprise can still be had after low key best wishes at the very least.