To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

[yarlow]

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

I also find it a cheek that his mum goes mad at us going out for the day and leaving him at home (after inviting him along every time) when she hasn't had him over a weekend for as long as I can remember and before anyone asks, yes we do also have weeknights as well. It's 50:50 but that has become flexible as he's gotten older and is now just decided by SS really.

2 cars is a good idea.

With my teen I take what snippets of time he allows with me. In the car being taken or picked up is actually a good amount now!

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?! Oh dear.
to be honest you’ve got about 2 years till he learns to drive and the. You’re going to see much less of him. I think you’ve got to suck it up buttercup. You’ve married someone with children and ALL the children come first.

If it were EOW I feel like I could cope better with it. But with it being every single weekend I just hate it.

On the rare occasions we have childcare for our DC we cant even have a date night because SS can't be left alone too late.

Hes 15 not 5, us staying out until 10pm after a meal or whatever surely is not the end of the world. Appreciate this is a H issue.

So you’ve taken on a man with kids, and now you’re surprised that’s a bit tricky?!

I've been in his life for nearly 10 years. I'm aware its tricky. I'm just fed up.

9 out of 10 times I will side with the child. I work in a secondary school and know what some ‘blended family’ kids go through. However, in this instance, I don’t actually think you’re being too unreasonable. It isn’t fair that he dictates your plans. A great deal of flexibility will be required, obviously, but not for every weekend to be dictated by his needs.

Sounds like a typical weekend with a teenager. Them not wanting to join in on family stuff and you needing to be a taxi service sounds about right. You’ll find yourself in the same position when your dc are teens.

Just do as you say, 2 cars, don’t let him disrupt your family time, and your dh should taxi him about.

Stick to the two car thing. How did DH respond?

And go out with friends in the evening if DHs ex wife won’t let him stay out later than ten.

'Suck it up buttercup' is unhelpful - why should the wants of one child, whether step or biological, dictate what everyone else in the house does every single weekend? I think it's a rare family that would tolerate that.

I have 3 teens so i get it can be tricky to juggle different wants/needs. I think you have a few choices - either he moves to staying with you EOW so you have a weekend concentrating on younger DC & he gets time with his mum, you continue as is but go out in separate cars so DH can pick him up if necessary or you encourage more independence - more time at home on his own if he doesn't want to come out with you, walking/taking bus or train if he wants to go elsewhere.
And yep, it's on your DH to tackle it.

I’ve zero sympathy for you. You knew he had a child when you married him, yet you did it anyway. Of course you hate having an unrelated 15 year old boy in your house, it sounds utterly horrible. But you chose this. The child didn’t, and now has to live 50% of his time with someone who resents him being there, even though he has no choice. He’s just being 15. 2 cars is a good idea.

Think it’s ridiculous a 15 year old can’t spend the day home alone, totally agree with you, he either sucks it up and comes along or your DH can leave early if he wishes. Presumably his mum could collect him if she’s bothered too.

Your DH is the problem here. I think it's fine for a 15 year old to spend most of their time with mates and/or gaming at the weekend but there has to be some balance. For example, he shouldn't have to go to the park with you and younger kids or to the supermarket or whatever. But if you're going out for Sunday lunch as a family or visiting relatives, DH should tell him he's coming, no arguments.

Unfortunately you can't make DH be a responsible parent to his son so I would just get on with doing your own thing either with your younger children (or leave them at home for DH to entertain!) and accept that this is the way things are for now. It won't be forever, in a couple of years SS will be almost an adult and can be left to his own devices.

Typical teen. I think your idea of separate cars is a good one. I'd do that .

Tbh it's just your DH, your SS would probably love the house to himself in the evening..I always did.
Difference is when your kids are teens you probably would go out and they call if they need you. I think most people don't rush back every night to just be there with older teens, they generally just come and go unless lifts are needed..or money 😂😂

Yanbu - tbh I'm sick of the way Mumsnet idolises teens and thinks that all adults should pander to their whims, their awful attitudes and antisocial behaviour. If your Ss doesn't want to spend time with the family then tough luck, they need to spend the day on their own. You shouldnt have to cut the day short with the other kids because of bad/moany/selfish attitude. I have far too many memories of being a teenager and one of my sibling's awful attitude being pandered to and it's simply unfair.

He's being a normal teenager.
It's your husband that is causing the problem.
Of course a 15 year old can be left alone for the day. As long as you can be contacted if there's an emergency then absolutely no issues. If he wants to ferry him around that's up to him. None of mine got lifts anywhere unless it was an emergency.

I’ve said YANBU, but this squarely a problem with your husband, not your stepson.

Clearly not a mother of a teen. If he was your own , you would just balance the everyone’s needs. You married a man with a child.

YANBU to take a second car.

It wouldn't be completely out of order to suggest that occasionally, SS stays at his mum's at night so you and DH can go out. It sounds like she lives relatively close (either mention of being closer to his friend) so surely DH can drop him off late afternoon after him being with you all day.

I think this is also a case of having large age gap with kids. Even if he was bio son there would still be same issues.

I don't think it's unreasonable if you having younger children minded that dss goes to mum's or gets minded with younger children.

He’s going a good job as a dad he should be admired and supported by you, not berated.

I cannot stand these comments. It’s so predictable and said from a place of zero understanding. How was she meant to predict this 10 years ago? If this was her own child she was frustrated about, would you be telling her the same advice? Doubtful. Stepmothers must also predict the future now too. Noted.

YANBU but this is a problem with your DH not your DSS. He is just being a typical teen.

your DH has some sort of guilt thing going on or hasn’t realised his DS is no longer 12yo. He 15yo so can sort himself out and get himself to places via public transport, walking or a bicycle.

your DH needs to grow up!

My parents left me at home alone when I was 15. Nothing bad happened, I watched TV, listened to music, did my homework, made myself cups of tea and toast… Just go out and leave him to it. What DSS does in your home is nothing to do with his DM. If she doesn’t like her DS being left alone he can stay at her house EOW.

If I were you I would just plan my weekends around myself and my kids and leave DH to sort himself and his DS out.