To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

[yarlow]

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

Why can't he make his own way to his friends/to socialise? Doesn't he have a bike?

Surely any babysitter could 'babysit' (for want of a better word) SS too?

No NT teenager needs a bloody chauffeur...

I have a 15 year old. Your husband is ridiculous. The kid can be left alone, if that's what he wants. Take 2 cars so you stop resenting the kid.

YANBU. Tell your DH to talk to him about it effecting the family/siblings and maybe set up one weekend he goes along and next time he can stay home. Also go out with both cars so that you and DC can continue your plans.

Everytime time it comes up tell DH to talk to him, like a broken record.

teens never want to spend time with their family, they literally just want you there for the odd sandwich or ‘hey how you doing’ comment and then gone again. He’s just being a teen.

I know that must be irritating when he’s not your own (I honestly mean that because I can look at my 15yos and 17yos and roll my eyes that I have to find ways to drag them out but I was the same-albeit in room reading and doing art but I wouldn’t go anywhere with my parents unless they were bringing me to stables or shopping).

Maybe try a movie night or games night every so often so ye can bond a little? And yes two cars and say to your dh a little more time together although I disagree with the it’s fine leaving all day until after ten, I do think teens need some company in the house

You can't go out for a meal on a weekend and stay out late as he's home alone?! At 15?!

I was babysitting someone else's child at 15, and doing so until about midnight then taking myself off home across the street. 🙄

Sounds like husband is babying him, and stepsons mum is being a hypocrite.

Two cars for day time outings is a good idea. At least then you and the younger kids don't have to be put out by it all.

YANBU op, this is very skewed to be all about one child every single weekend when you have a whole family/household of people, adults and children all with their own needs and wants too. It is hard to find a balance but this sounds like it needs reassessing.

15 is old enough to stay home alone. He is also old enough to get the bus. I know how annoying it is with a teen who expects you to wait around when they need your taxi service. I've told my dd 13 now that she either gets the bus back or we agree a time and I'll pick her up at that time as I was getting fed up of not being able to make my own plans. I think two cars is a bit much to be honest just make an agreement like the above. I have a 6 Yr old and 13 and age gaps are hard to navigate. He's not really going to want to do the same things but you could do some things that all would like eg bowling or eating, mini golf and insist that once in a while he partakes as he is part of the family.

I think your answer lies in broccoli. Teens hate it so it should be the main constituent, unseparable, of every meal and dessert. A few weekends of that and he will never come again. Nom nom - broccoli pudding!

Alternatives are taking the games console away or getting DH to sort out the teen.

We have a teen and young DC, and the teen knows they either come with us, or are aware of when we will be back and we arrange lifts around that.
Do you have contact with his friends parents? Can you get a set up where when you are available you give him and his friends lifts, and then when you're busy hopefully friends parents can return the favour? Or when you're out arrange for the friends to visit yours instead so SS doesn't need lifts?

Also are you still doing activities SS would like? Maybe go karting, a climbing wall center, theme park etc?
Make sure he's not missing out on age appropriate days out because of having the younger siblings

I'd try and negotiate back to EOW and if that fails then leave teen on his own if he's comfortable with it. It's not upto the Mum, she's got free w/e's!
With my own DS, I've made it clear I won't be a taxi service. There's buses and I buy him a bundle of tickets at a time. However, we are not too far from anything, not sure of your situation.

if mum doesnt like it she can start having him eow-bet she would soon back off

15 year olds areperfetly fine to be left alone

Yes, I think you’re taking the right approach. I have a young teen and a much younger child (neither are stepchildren), and older one does have activities and friends to see on the weekends. Dh and I fairly often do separate things. One of us stays home to run older one around (no public transport here) and one of us does a day out with younger one. Big family days out with such different ages aren’t fun.

If I was your Dh, and I only saw my dc on the weekend, yes, I probably would want to prioritise doing things with them or just being around the house with them. I think it’s okay to do separate things some of the time. Sometimes I send Dh out with the little one and older one and I just watch tv together all afternoon on a Sunday. At least we are in the same room and we get to talk a bit. I would feel sad just leaving her every weekend, but you have to strike a balance.

I think YABU for thinking a 15yo needs to be babied. Your DH needs telling that he can be left all day, or late at night, and will be just fine. As long as he has a way to contact you at that age they don't need much attention! The lifts everywhere are trickier, but he should be encouraged to use public transport or switch HIS plans if it's inconvenient for you. It sounds like a lack of communication is the issue. SS may well agree that he's ok alone if you talk to him. DH needs to see this isn't reasonable or fair on you. Maybe he should just stand up to his ex if she's fussing about his parenting choices? It does sound like a rubbish situation, and I hope you can sort it out. 15/16 is a really difficult age as it's all about leaving them more and letting them be independent, but parenting habits can be hard to break!

He can be alone at home at 15. You don't need to do everything together. His dad can take him somewhere else, and you can go with the small kids somewhere else. We've got 2 kids with only 5 year gap and the older one already wants to do different things with dad as he is bored with me and the toddler. BTW I wouldn't allow my child to game the whole day, regardless his age. It would be better if he did some sport activity with his dad or his peer group at the weekend. Why not enlist him at some sports club?

I have teen kids of my own and my weekends are dictated by where they have to be. We moved to a place with no public transport and too spread out to walk, so knew it would be like this. I think it's unreasonable to expect your DH to not facilitate his son's social life. Though I think the not being out all day so he isn't "alone" when he just spends all his time in his room is ridiculous. It doesn't really matter what his mum says if your DH thinks it would be okay and you DSS is okay about it.

I would also say, though, that while I hear a lot on here that not spending time with parents is just "what teens do" that's definitely not my experience. We do quite a bit with our teens and they seem to enjoy spending time with us. We have a movie night every week, we go on day trips places (normally dictated by their interests) and we have game afternoons when we play cards/board games/ video games/ Dungeons & Dragons/etc. Not every weekend, but at least once a month. I can see that having younger kids would make that a lot trickier, but your DH probably ought to put effort into taking his DS off for some 1:1 father son time semi regularly (and leave you to have uninterrupted trips with your DC, or drop them off with family and have a day to yourself...).

Her husband is doing absolutely nothing wrong. He is providing a home for his child. This is what life with teenagers is like. What would everyone suggest the husband does- tell his child that his he is no longer welcome because his mere presence is annoying to OP. Will she wish her own children away every other weekend when their teenage habits annoy her?

The 15 year old can stay at home and he'll be fine. His mum can moan and bitch if she wants but you don't need to pay any attention her. She isn't the boss of the world. What's she going to do....stop contact..?

Who's doing the childcare while you're out on a date night? Are you getting a babysitter for your kids and 15 year old dss? Or is dss doing the childcare?

Your dh sounds like it’s his problem not your ss. But you seem to be taking it out on him. I would leave ss to it and work around. We will collect at x time or get the bus. My teens are happy to be left home alone most the time. Maybe your dh feels guilty leaving him home alone?

It is really unfair that you never get to have a weekend not dictated by SS. I would talk to DH about how resentful this is making you - the 2 cars thing is a good idea, but you and DH do need to communicate about this because things like this can end a marriage and it really just needs some proper discussion.

I agree with PP. SS is behaving like a typical teenager. The problem is DH.

I have a teenage DS. I tell him on a Friday night what me and his younger brother are doing over the weekend and he decides whether he wants to come with us or not. Most weekends he joins us for some of our activities (especially if it’s going to football, or hiking) but other times I leave him home alone. If we’ve left him at home and get back to realise he’s not been out all day, then I send him out on his bike or for a run, or we go for a walk together.

Does DH have friends with similar aged children? Could you suggest he speaks to them so that he gets a better idea of what is ‘normal’?

What activities is it that you are doing though?

Are they young child centered mostly?

I'm on the fence. I think you can totally leave a 15 year old alone all day, but I also think that if that's his dad's contact time and his dad is making all this effort to go out on young child centered activities but not age appropriate activities for a 15 year old where he can even invite his friend along then I'd be mad too if I was that lads mum.

I don’t think it’s fair to blame your SS or be fed up with him, he’s doing what teenagers do and has his own social life and I’m sure your younger ones will be much the same.
However, at 15 he is more than capable of being home alone for the day if he doesn’t want to come, and to sit in until 10ish of an evening if you are going out. He also needs to familiarise himself with public transport and getting himself where he needs to be. Most of us managed this in our teens without smartphones, I do think some teens are babied these days.

Not true at all. My teen either comes with us (always welcome) or stays home. We do not rush home if he suddenly decides he wants a lift somewhere or someone else thinks we should be there.