To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

[yarlow]

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

You're definitely not being unreasonable to leave him at home if he doesn't want to go out. If his mother is that concerned then she can have him at the weekends.

He will need ferrying around still, so that's to be expected. While SS should of course plan better for when he needs picking up etc, that's teenagers unfortunately. In that age group you are a bit like a taxi service.

@yarlow

The problem isn't SS and I really don't believe you're 'sick' of him. What you're sick of is your DH's kowtowing to his ex's 'must not be alone' rule. So yes, you have a DH problem. What is DH afraid of with his ex? SS is 15, he is of the age where he can make his own decisions about seeing his dad.

He's behaving like a normal teen, and I'm assuming you aren't leaving him alone until the wee hours. He's more than likely happy to be left behind. And I assume that he is 'safe' and can feed himself. At 15 I would rather have chewed glass than go somewhere with my parents. And TBH, when they left me behind for the day it was heavenly. I read, watched TV, talked on the phone, and either rode my bike to get lunch (small town US) or 'grazed' the kitchen. Most of my friends were in walking/bike distance so if I went there I could make my own way home. Mum and Dad's only real rules (besides don't burn the house down) were leave a note if I left (this was the 70s), be home well before dark, only one friend over. And only specific friends if we were going in the pool (friends they knew were 'water safe').

The other issue, the 'come pick me up' is a problem. But it can be solved. Two cars would probably be the easiest. But there is nothing wrong with advising him ahead of time "We're going to XX and won't back until <insert time>. So if you go to YY, we will not be able to fetch you home until <insert time>".

But if he goes someplace far enough that he has to be driven home when you're on an outing, how does he get there in the first place? If his mum takes him, then she can pick him up. If you and DH drop him off, tell him from now on that he'll have to be happy with places within walking distance if you're going to be gone.

'You did it anyway?'
Marrying a person with children is not some kind of crime.

A step parent is fully entitled to feel the frustrations of their husband or wife handling a situation badly. Just like a none blended family having normal frustrations with each other.

The issue is your husband. I would feel exactly the same. Two cars is a good shout and less exposure to the opinions from the child's mother.

Ive brought up 3 teenagers and yes I would and did mind if they were whiny and ungrateful ( looking at you DD1)And I didn't and wouldn't let any of them dictate to me how things were going to run

And also had younger kids at same time. For example mine were 15 12 and 3

Why do you need to go out for the whole day? I have teen ds and we just stay local with younger dc. We can say have afternoon at national trust and be back in time for picking up ds1. Full days out at the weekend, every weekend sounds exhausting.

That said, going in separate cars for flexibility is fine. I'd find it depressing having a day trip once my DH had buggered off. Surely there's a balance? What kind of activities are you talking about?

Why is one child being allowed to dictate a whole family’s weekend.
He needs to be organised and also treated like a teenager and not a baby.
if he can’t get back from where he is then he gets the bus or waits.
he can play on his console but not every spare minute.
he can be left on his own till 10 pm or he goes to his mums.
if his mum doesn’t like it, then he can go there.
if your H doesn’t like it then he can stay in.

Doesn't sound like 50/50 if he's with you weeknights as well.

Your DH is ABU - his son is 15 not 5!!

We've got 3DC with a large age gap between 2 & 3. There is no way Id have ever entertained this with my own DC so you shouldn't either.

If DC1 & DC2 didnt want to come out with us when we had plans with DC3 (that they were invited to) then they stayed at home and sorted themselves out and we came back when we wanted to and I dont ever remember rushing back as generally they'd still be in bed asleep until the early afternoon when they were around 14/15.

Any lifts needed were discussed before the weekend and figured into our existing plans and they were often told no as we would be out so they had to arrange another lift or get there themselves.

Your DH is being unreasonable and should be telling his son no. He is 15 and more than capable of being at home alone for a day. If he doesn't like that then he comes out with you or goes back to his mums.

If this carries on not only will you resent both your DH and SS but your child will grow to resent them both too as it will impact them negatively and they will see that your DH always puts SS before them and that they have to leave things early because of it. This obviously depends on their age but kids pick up on these things much more easily than we give them credit for.

I would absolutely stick to your guns on this and go in separate cars. Your DH is completely unreasonable.

🥱

It's not every weekend that we are out all day but we do go out often as staying in with 2 little DC all weekend is just not for me. It's usually something like spending the day at a NT place, bike ride, maybe farm park, out for lunch, to see family. Admittedly I don't bother anymore making sure its something suited to SS too. He doesn't come anyway so I plan the days around the youngest now.

H has tried to organise days out he'll like, go karting etc.. but you can't do it often because stuff like that isn't cheap compared to a walk or the park or whatever and he's still miserable and moody anyway.

It's definitely a guilt thing with H. He feels bad about leaving SS at home pretty much 99% of the time he stays and his ex doesn't help either by making out anything over a few hours is awful and cruel.

Imo I just don't see the point. If he was actually doing something with SS then yes but just sitting in the same house so he isnt alone or you can make sure hes eaten or make drinks for him is utterly pointless and a waste of a weekend imo and I'm not subjecting myself or my kids to that.

A few pp asked who's looking after our DC on the date nights I mentioned. Typically they go to my mum and dads but they don't really have much of a relationship with SS. Certainly not to the extent he'd go and stay at their house.

I'm so fed up of it being every weekend too. H just never seems to say no. I'd quite like to plan a weekend away at some point but heaven forbid SS not be able to use the house as a pit stop to eat and sleep that weekend.

As PP suggested I am absolutely at the point now where I will happily just do things without H if it means I am not having to deal with this. I don't agree either that it's normal and OK to cut your plans short to go and drop off a 15 year old at their mates house who knew you were going out. As PP said, get the bus or walk or something! We dont live in timbuktu.

100%. My 15 year old is more than capable of using public transport, even for far away distances. This is not normal.

I think if you want a weekend away it’s fine to put your foot down and say he stays with his mum that weekend. If you aren’t there, he can’t stay!

Yeah, this isn’t the boys fault, his behaviour is all normal. Staying in his room, prioritising his mates over family, being selfish about lifts. Totally standard.

Your issue is definitely that DH is pandering to XW.

I think you should take the weekend away but plan it with a friend rather than DH. Live your life, don’t let this situation drag you down. Hopefully he will come to his senses eventually.

YANBU. I have a 15yo DS and he's absolutely like this too. I invite him out but if he'd prefer to stay in bed gaming then I leave him to it. If your H wants to babysit a 15yo then more fool him. Carry on with your day.

How long is 'too long' to leave him alone, according to his parents? Does DSS struggle with loneliness when you are out, or is there worries about his safety or wellbeing (for example, can he not be trusted to make himself lunch or dinner?).
I think, putting the step child situation to the side, a 15yo should be able to be alone for a reasonable length of time. My kids are 14 and 16, and I would leave them in the evening to go for a meal. I would also leave them during the day to go out places for a good few hours. Mine are very trustworthy and capable, and feel confident about being home alone though. We obviously stay in touch while out etc. During the school holidays I have no choice but to leave them home alone as I work full time but we have things in place e.g. a procedure for if they want to go out / a dedicated whatsapp group which we use to check in over the day / we have a camera at the front and back of the house / rules for phones being on loud and locations on / shared details about what is in for lunch etc.
If your DSS is a typical 15yo and able to fend for himself, it sounds like it's time his parents let go a little.

You talk about the expense of doing things that the older child will enjoy. Does your husband do things one to one with him?

It is very clear from your posts that you don’t value time with the older boy. He is an inconvenience to you and you resent your husband making an effort to spend time with him.

in ten years will you be giving lifts to your children at the weekends? Spending money in activities they will enjoy?

while I appreciate it is trusting having different ages children, it is clear from all your posts that this older child isn’t yours so you don’t see the point in you or your husband having any sort of relationship with him.

there isn’t any warmth towards him at all on any of your posts

Sounds very normal and we are in the same situation but with my own kids. It's annoying but unfair for you to be so respectful, you will need to deal with the same situation when your children are older.

We do a combination of dragging him along and leaving him at home, as well as making sure we are doing things he enjoys and also spending one on one time with him.

I have 3 kids and at times they all have to do things that wouldn't necessarily be their choice but we are part of a family and that's what happens. I am not saying they don't moan about it though!

Does your husband take him out on his own every so often and let him choose what they do? It can't always be just about what the younger ones want and he is expected to fit in.

At that age he should be able to stay in all day if he is sensible, however you shouldn't be doing that every weekend as he should be getting quality time with his family.

Sounds like the ex has too much input IMO. Hes 15, mine never wanted to come anywhere with us at that age, DH needs to explain to him that on x day we are going out for the day. Yout mothwr isnt happy for you to be left alone, so options are.

1. Come with us.

2 stay at hone including getting yourself to wherever you want to go. 3 stay at your mums.

No date nights is ridiculous

Teenagers are notoriously self absorbed and can be irritating to live with.
I think the danger here is that it comes across that you don't really like your SS. You kept saying you realise it's an H problem but your dislike and resentment of his other child screams out from all of your posts.

Yes, he's annoying but he's being allowed to be by your H who needs to patent him better and put in more boundaries with both his son and his ex. It's not solely the child's fault and blaming and resenting him is unfair.

Also have you considered that he felt pushed out when you and your H had kids & so subconsciously (or consciously?) likes to pull the strings at weekends and draw his father's attention to him?
Splits and second families are hard for kids however amicable things are and it doesn't sound like things are that amicable with the ex.

What has your relationship been with your SS over the years? Were you closer to him when he was younger or have you always felt a resentment towards him?

You talk about the expense of doing things that the older child will enjoy. Does your husband do things one to one with him?

The mention of money was because PPs have said things about theme parks, go karting etc which H does do with SS from time to time but obviously those sort of things are not cheap so in reality you cannot do them often. Things like a walk, NT place, farm park, bike rides are done much more frequently because they are cheap or free. Going bowling, cinema, amusement parks or whatever SS may like every weekend is not practical though H does try and do these things on occasion with him.

He is an inconvenience to you and you resent your husband making an effort to spend time with him

I don't resent H spending time with him. What I resent is H sitting downstairs in the house while SS sits upstairs and doing that instead of spending time with us doing something enjoyable so he isn't "alone". That is not spending time with SS imo. That's just being in the same house at the same time. If H said to me he wants to spend time with SS actually doing something with him I'd not have a problem at all. It's the pointless "oh he can't be alone so we must all just sit there in the same house not interacting" shit I hate. There's absolutely no point in that imo.

in ten years will you be giving lifts to your children at the weekends? Spending money in activities they will enjoy?

I'd like to think I won't be rushing home from what I'm doing at the demands of my 15yo personally. If I'm about and doing nothing fair enough, if I'm out and busy why would I? Is that what you do?

Were you closer to him when he was younger or have you always felt a resentment towards him?

Much closer yes

I have a 16 year old nephew who I regularly give lifts to. I miss the little boy who used to love spending g time with - I give him lifts because he will chat to me in the car.

All my friends have teens - they do a lot of taxi services and I have known nights out to change because a 17 year old needs collected form a party😊.

it might be better for your husband to be more involved in his weekdays? Does your husband ever collect him from school?

nit everything with a teen is expensive - swimming pool, movie night at home, gym, teach him to play pool, even a bucket of balls at a driving range isn’t expensive. Your husband could say they have to do something for two hours together every other weekend. Then is off weekends he gets to isolate in his room while you have time with the younger kids.

but I guarentee you, you will be running around after your kids when they are teens. You will be collecting them from friends houses. In winter you will be thinking it’s a bit dark for the bus after 5pm, I’ll just collect Lucy from her friends house. Or I’d like to eyeball where this party is. You will care more because they are your kids.

We have a big age difference between the two kids, and when we were planning the days out we would also plan with the oldest in mind, as the younger was much easier to please and entertain and would just happily tag along to where everyone else was going (but we would avoid small kids places like softplay anyway, hate them). And so our teenager would (mostly) join the family activities. And within families I know the teenagers would join parents on many occasions so I do not recognise the "stereotypical" teen sitting behind the closed door the whole day long. Also the youngest would occasionally be taken to pick up the eldest from places, etc. We needed to find the balance between the needs of both. The teen therefore would then be happy to also spend time alone when we were doing something with the younger one, or babysit the younger when needed. It looks like in the situation needs rebalancing- doing something that would be interesting for everyone, both parents and children. When ours were babies/young would always take the kids to where we, the parents, want to go - museums, walks etc, so it was normal for children from young age to do some things they are not particularly interested in, but other family members are.

I so feel your frustration

Sat in all weekend so a 20 and 15 year old aren't alone. But they spend all night screaming at screens, and asleep all day. Then I can't even make a noise in rhe day in case they wake, whilst their dad delivers meals to their rooms

One of the main reasons I left 'DH'

I definitely have had to plan things around picking my kids up from parties etc.
I ask them ahead of a party - can I have a drink later or will you need a lift home? And then drink non alcoholic drinks on a night out & keep my phone handy.

Their safety is always paramount but I have girls so don't like them getting cabs, night buses etc.
Although actually I don't think boys are any safer where we are, plenty have been mugged for their phones etc.

For me giving them lifts & picking them up is also about knowing where they are and what they are up to. Teens can be very secretive but I find this way I have more idea where they are going etc.
You will definitely be doing this when your kids are teens, even if you think now that you won't!