To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

[yarlow]

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

Surely if he wants lifts this is requested in advance not demanding someone comes back from an outing he refused to go on?!
My parents were always the ones running me and my friends around but even they would draw the line at this.
Also I started waitressing in a local pub at 15 and didn't finish work until ten, so I don't see why it's an issue with him being at home if you're out in the evening.

Not a typical weekend for anyone I know. Not sure where this stereotyping comes from but we still do things with our teens and they are happy to spend time with us. They also spend time with their mates as well.

@yarlow this really is a husband problem .
This is teenage life and can /could be sorted.
Plan your day ask as if he is coming .If SS says no fair enough we will be out untill such and such a time . Or well we are going out .
Tell him you will call on way home and see if he needs a lift . Tell him days your home a lift is no problem .
Dh tells ex that son is welcome but if he doesn’t want to Come for days out then he will be home untill you get back then it’s the exes call wether to keep the teenager home. Can you do Saturday days out and Sunday family meal and walk .

If your dh doesn’t sort this out you know where his priorities lay.
Just don’t be turning your frustration to SS instead of dh .

Love this.
a very sensible and calm post.

I do not agree on some points here . You can afford lunch out for your younger kids and meals out with your dh , also your looking for weekend away . I am sure you can do once a month go karting for your dh and ss.

If you want a weekend away book it and get dh to tell SS in two week you need to be at your mums as we are away. .

Your dh needs to put far more effort in to finding things a 15yr old likes doing. Of course a 15yr old doesn’t want to go to the park or a farm. What they do want is lifts to see their friends if walking isn’t available. They aren’t very good at planning yet and also can be beholden to a friends time table so they aren’t ‘dictating’ that you give them a lift, rather stating the time they need the lift which is often short notice and not necessarily their own fault. From the 15yr olds point of view, you are both spending hours and a few pounds on the younger children and on what they want to do, but are begrudging him a half hour car ride and a few pounds petrol for what he wants to do. The thing my dd likes to do most is go in to London with friends so I spent lots of time from age 12-15 getting her ready for it. It honestly doesn’t sound like your husband has put any effort at all in to finding out what his son would like to do.

A 15 yr old can be in the house all day on their own - it's not a big deal. If he doesn't want to be in the hse on his own he comes with you. If he doesn't want to come he doesn't get a say over what you do when you're away. He fends for himself. If he doesn't like it... he needs to change, not you. He doesn't dictate what the family do.

If the 15yr olds mum is calling her ex, your partner, saying do this, do that, don't leave your son etc. tell her to sod off and mind her own business.

I agree if he does want to come out with you it's fine to leave him home alone that's what I would do with my own children and you shouldn't hurry back. Your husband should just ignore his ex wives complaints.
But you are being unreasonable saying your husband shouldn't pick him up or give him lifts again this is what happens with teenagers.
You obviously don't like him though which is the main issue. But whether you like it or not he is your husband's son and part of your extended family.

Why is the mother dictating what happens at your house? Your DH is an equal parent, and his son spends more time at your house than his mother's, if it's every weekend and 50% of evenings.

Your DH needs to make it clear that when he's responsible for the boy, he gets to parent his way.

Oh here we go again! How dare OP have boundaries when she married a man with children.

Boundaries are not the same as demanding your husband tells his child they are not welcome in their own home. Op should have considered her boundaries before she offered to share a home with a child that wasn't hers. Their home IS his son's home just as much as it is her home.

When I was young and single I walked away from a relationship because of this exact situation. I'm not unsympathetic but sadly it was predictable.

I agree you have a DH problem. DSS is just doing what he can get away with, like many teens.

I have a DD 16 and she gets a choice if she wants to come somewhere with me and younger one. If she does want to, I don’t rush back. Yes I do spend time with her 121 and all together as a family but she wouldn’t expect me to rush back for no reason.

At that age they can pretty much look after themselves if needs be, can’t they?

Yes this is fair enough and the two cars idea is a good one.