To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

[yarlow]

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

Hmm Ive had teenagers. I wouldn't let my own get away with that behaviour. If he doesn't want to go out with you fine. But no need to stay indoors yourself. If he needs lifts then ask in advance, and see whether it's practical. If not get the bus, cycle or walk. No way would it be acceptable to phone up and expect everyone to drop their plans to give him a lift.

100% agree with this

@Jimmyneutronsforehead

Thing is, he is choosing to spend every weekend at his dads, not at his mums. There’s a reason for that. I’d be more concerned with that, if he was my son.

2 cars is a good idea, so you and your dc can still do all the normal days out. I’d go home separately on date nights too because that is ridiculous. Tell your dh to get and pay for a babysitter if he wants to come out with you as you aren’t coming home at 10pm for a 15 year old, I wouldn’t do it for my own children. And organise some nights out with girlfriends until your dh grows a pair.
basically, the child is pretty normal, you need to stop getting so frustrated at child, your dh however needs to get a grip and I would be royally pissed off at him, and adjust your actions so you don’t let him stop you from having a normal life. Take a weekend away with your dc :)

Granted, I was 15 more than 10 years ago…but are teens these days not allowed to be left alone for the day or beyond 10pm at night? Has that much changed in 10 years or what?

At that age, I was my mum’s only child at home and I generally got on with my own social life and time, and she hers. I was invited to come with her at times, but if I didn’t want to go then I stayed home or did my own thing. Sometimes she’d go out and be home by 1am at the latest. I liked my own company and I enjoyed her going out.

Spectacularly missing the point.

@yarlow the OP wants to treat him exactly the same way she would if he were her own child ie. leave him at home alone if he doesn't want to come out with them and not cut their day short. It is the DH who is behaving differently because of some misguided feeling that he needs to appease his ex who should have no say in what happens at Dad's.

I agree with you that you do have a H issue. He is 15, if he chooses not to join the rest of the family that’s his choice and the result of that choice is that he will be home alone. But, his choice to stay home by himself should not have the power to limit the rest of the family. That is setting a precedent for the type of entitlement that everyone else should pander to him or come second to him. That’s not a good quality to have. And it’s not setting him up for having healthy relationships with other people in the future.

Being a parent is hard (and no parent is perfect) so I am not going to pass judgment on your H or SS’s mum.

Can you casually mention to H that it’s probably not in SS’s best interest to be always scheduling the rest of the families activities (including cutting them short) around SS’s wants? It gives him control over other members of the family that is inappropriate and doesn’t teach him to grow into a responsible, mature, self governing, healthy adult.

His autonomy should be respected but not at the expense of anyone else.

See, now this makes sense. Spending a weekend day/night at home is not going to hurt the teen. Perhaps he'll start appreciating all that is done for him and the bending everyone, but he is doing to keep him "happy".

Compared to some of the MNers here who think the whole family should sit around while Daddy Dearest mollycoddles his teen son. He leaves his son to his gaming and spends next to zero time with his other children, "just in case his son needs a ride or isn't home alone too long".

Posters calling the father a "good dad" are setting the bar really low.

So not from a place of understanding her perspective then. It’s obvious to anyone that knows what it’s like to parent a teenager or be a step parent full stop. 10 years ago, she did not. We can’t foresee anything in 10 years time. We might have some idea, educated guesses, plans in place etc but ultimately we can’t predict the unknown!

This tbh.

Poor kid.

I massively empathise OP.
My DSD would come over every 2nd weekend (when my DH was off) and she was the same.
Spent all day in her room or if she emerged, she'd mope in kitchen or sitting room, either headphones in / drawing / looking at her phone.
She'd always get headaches when here & never want to go out (or if we did go out, she'd get a headache or feel sick... there was always something).

At the time, my DH was on shift work so only had every 2nd weekend off, so basically every time he had a weekend, she was there moping around 🙈

We have 3 other DC who she has very little interest in.
It got to the point I would dread those weekends as no matter what we did, it was never right.
In the end, the weekends became less frequent & she said she didn't want to come over anymore. This was well over a year ago.
And it's really such a shame as we have tried and tried & DH has met her to ask what's wrong and why she doesn't want to see us... she just doesn't want to.

If you don't have the option of changing to EOW, then the 2 car idea is ideal.

I don't agree with other posters giving you a hard time.
Stepmother's are tarred with the same brush.
I well knew DH had a child when I married him, did I know when she was a teen she'd cut us off? No. Have we tried and tried, yes we have.
And I'll keep on trying as I want her to know she's part of the family & I do think in time she'll realise we want what is best for her and also that she has siblings that want to see her.

Omg teenage children of mumsnetters live like royalty compared to how I did.
If I had phoned my dad when he was out at a weekend to demand a lift he would have said no. End of story. His two favourite expressions were "life's not fair". And when I said I want a lift/new clothes/ kentucky fried chicken he would respond "want away".
If I foolishly continued whining he would begin a lengthy lecture about all the many hardships he faced in his teenage years, which included walking long distances often in the rain and milking cows by hand often in the dark and occasionally ended with a reminder that he had not had the incredible privilege of having a father, as his dad had died fighting for the democracy that I was completely unappreciative of as displayed by my whining.

He’s 15 , why can’t he be left at home. Just put cameras and tell the mom to bud our take or take care of her own child. What, is he the dictator. He’s not a baby. I left my kids to go out at that age. It’s not that big of a deal and if he screws up he can’t come over anymore bc he can’t be trusted.

Poor kid. I am sure he senses your resentment.

he is being a normal teen. You are being a whiny princess😂. At least he has an excuse for being moody and selfish.

How on earth will you cope when your kids are teens.

Sort this out with your husband and stop blaming a teenager for being a teenager.

I certainly couldn't be arsed to take on and accomodate the needs and wants of someone else's teenager, ungracious, selfish, needy things that they are.
That's why I never have. Why did you?

It'll be a different story when yours are that age. You won't mind how ungracious and selfish yet needy they are because they're yours and you love them. I should know, I've had three.
Couldn't do it for someone else's. So wouldn't.

You said yes. And here you are.

Surely the mother doesn't get to dictate what happens in the time he's with his father, if his father is happy for him to be in the house alone then that's his decision, not the mother's.

I also think the dad needs to make an effort to find some common ground with his son. He is only there at the weekend - even something for a couple of hours. Go to the gym together? Cycling or running. Watch sports, game together, help him with homework?

clearly step mum has tapped herself out of any sort of relationship with the boy. His choice shouting be sit in his room or be dragged out with much younger kids to do stuff that is far too young for him.

I feel very sorry for you and your poor children.
So many women in your situation would never make the same choices again.
They hate their children being treated as if they don't count, everything being about the first family.
Is it really worth being with him is the question?

You understand that your own children will be like this at 15?
Hope that you’ve calmed down a bit by then.

Should have thought of that before you got hitched to a man who already had children. I've no sympathy for you.

Having said all that, there's no way you should be cutting family activities and evenings out short to sit in the house with him. Like you say, he's 15 not 5. Your dh is being daft.

You understand that your own children will be like this at 15?

the OP literally said that she understands this.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine.

like in the OP - not even later posts.

OP, as you well know your dh is the problem. Taking two cars is the solution but it is annoying because your dh isn't actually interacting with his son - he is just at his beck and call - not making an effort to connect really with him. I wonder will he be the same when your children together hit 15. He is basically a lazy parent.

Are they being treated like they don’t count? I don’t see that in the post.

they have their dad seven days a week. Their dad does stuff with them at the weekend - he is just balancing that with also parenting an older child. So he is giving lift to his older son and spending time in the house with him. I didn’t get the impression dad ignores the younger kids when his oldest child is home - he just divides his time, when OP thinks his focus should be almost exclusively on the younger kids. No lifts for older boy, and days out should be as long as they need without rushing home to check on teen.

OP resents there being a third child at all. That’s not going to change. Dad only has maybe two years left to spend time with his older kid: and he hasn’t been a full time parent to the boy in a very long time.

DH is the issue. Go with your two car plan and tell him DS is 15 not 5 so isn't going to melt into a puddle if you and DH have a nice evening out.

At 15, he can be home alone until fairly late, certainly as late as you'd typically stay out with younger kids or a date night. His mother doesn't have to like it, and your husband can lay some ground rules about when he is and isn't available to pick SS up. It doesn't have to be all on the teenager's terms.

Of course, all this depends on your husband being reasonable, and it doesn't sound like he sees a problem. He's the root of the issue.