To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

[yarlow]

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

I have a 16 year old son and he doesn’t always want to come with us if we are going out for the day and that’s fine. What I wouldn’t allow though is for him to dictate when we have to be back, he doesn’t want to come so he’ll be told that there is food in the fridge (normally a pizza) and if he needs to go anywhere it’s the bus or an uber.

I also have two adult step children and it was the same with them.

Definitely sounds like a DH problem and the child's mum. If she is that unhappy about him being left, then why send him every weekend.

From what you have mentioned it's not like those activities would mean you were out for 8-6 and I imagine a day out is more 10-5. If the 15 year old is unable to be at home alone for this time then he has to suck it up and join in with the family.
DH needs to talk to him about boundaries when he is with you. If he wants to see friends and cannot make his own travel arrangements (walking, bus) he needs to ask in advance for a lift and not just expect to be given one. I always remember a friend's parent charging her son as they said they were not a taxi service and if he wanted to treat them like one they would act in the same way (I was a bit horrified at this when they picked us all up once and then said this to him!).
I also think if he is asking to stay weekends with dad then he needs to agree that he does not spend all of it in the room. He has asked to have every weekend at yours and therefore needs to respect your rules. If this is not going to happen then can DH have son over night in the week to balance out shared parenting? I think mum might feel differently if she is the one having to spend her weekend working around one child and may change her mind about length of time he can be left alone for.

Your DH is an idiot, @yarlow.

At 15 most of the teens near here are babysitting until gone midnight on Friday and Saturday. Of course you can go out for a meal and not rush back.

I have a teenage daughter and younger kids and often leave her home alone if she doesn't want to come. She has a phone so can ring me if she needs me and there's food at home she can do if she's hungry. There's no problem with it and if his mum has a problem with it maybe she should keep him at your some weekends so you can do stuff with your own children!

Well I certainly didn't. Not everyone panders to their teens above all else Parents have a life too,- well some of us anyway

As I said before, could it be a deliberate (even if subconscious) ploy from the SS to control things because he feels resentment over his step siblings having the "perfect" set up of mum & dad together?

The way he is acting is stopping his dad from having fun times with his other children and is getting his attention even if he isn't physically spending time with him. Or is it just your H's guilt that is controlling the situation?

I think your H needs to carve out some time just with his son to discuss things. Then he needs to gently put in some boundaries around weekends & what is going to happen going forward.

He also needs to be firmer with the ex who shouldn't be having a say in what happens when their son is with their dad.

I'm not sure anyone is being unreasonable here. It's an awkward phase in a family where there is an age range ,complicated by it being a blended family. Sounds like a practical solution to take 2 cars if you want to have regular long days out and he wants to still be there for his son.

The thing I can't get over (and I think is really crazy) is everyone acting like a 15 year old is a helpless child who needs someone to run around and meet their every whim. Granted it's been 30 years since I was 15 but at 15 I had a drivers licence (yes the law has changed since then) had been working for over a year babysitting and helping in a shop, could run a household including cooking, laundry, cleaning and doing the shopping. As for socialising, it was 100% on me to organise and pay for. When do people expect their kids to grow up these days? No wonder so many young people have failure to launch - they're not being given any responsibility or authority. YANBU OP, I would find that incredibly frustrating.

I think it is different with teens now sadly, with their online lives and the risks I feel parent need to or wish to remain more present in their lives day to day.

Nope, that’s not how it works I’m afraid. The needs of the entire family should be considered. ‘Children always comes first’ comes up all the time on these threads and it’s so reductive.

In a non blended household you would negotiate with the 15-yr old - we’re going our for the day and back at 7 so do you want to come/meet up for dinner/stay with a pal all day/stay on ur own. That’s the usual conversation. And similarly on nights out it would be something similar - do you want to stay home alone until 10 or go to a pals and we pick you up on the way home/order you a cab etc. So I get ur frustration- you don’t have that because your OH isn’t putting that into place and his ex is making demands in the background.

I had plenty of lifts from my parents when I was a teen back in the 80s & 90s and so did my friends.
I also often made my own way to places too.
But if a party was finishing late most parents would pick their kids up from it.
Some didn't and their kids who could drive indulged in drink/drug driving to get home. There were a few incidents and accidents around this.

Ferrying kids about & picking them up isn't the issue here, it's the way the OP's husband is letting his 15 year old control things and the resentment the OP now feels towards the child.

I got collected as well at this age. I only ever got the bus home from school. I got lift to after school stuff and friends houses. And all the kids in my family and friendship circle now get lifts from parents. Particularly to friends houses when there is usually no direct bus route.

yes there is occasional use of public transport during the day. And depending where they live they make their own way home from school. But loads of teens I know get lifts.

It's irrelevant whether he's your DSS or DS really. My 15 year old DS doesn't want to do anything with us either but I wouldn't let him rule our activities during the week-end ! I prepare food for him in the fridge and if he would like us to take him somewhere he has to tell us in advance. If he would call asking for a ride somewhere while we were out doing whatever I would laugh because it's definitely unreasonable entitled behaviour.

Tell your dh that you would expect to do the same when your dc become teenagers and you're having a day out so it has nothing to do with him not being your son. It's just basic common sense if you don't want to raise an entitled spoilt brat.

A 15 year old doesnt 'need' his family to be home all day whilst he games in his bedroom or sees friends. Being a step parent doesn't mean you have to abandon yourself and become a doormat to a childs (or in this case, ex wife's) demands.

Agree with this, I moved out as soon as I turned 16, I was working full time and living independently 100 miles away from family. I'm not saying that's ideal, but the babying of teens is ridiculous.

Er, yeah, so why should the OP's kids not be able to have days out at weekends because of their stepbrother?

She took on the man, not the kids. They're his responsibility not hers.

I would day to the mum and son that the weekends are clearly causing problems with mum and you can't leave him alone and you can stay in with younger children, so it's best to revert back to 50/50 at weekends and do every other.

But all the children are not coming first.
This child is being allowed to dictate what the whole family can do every single weekend.
OP your husband needs to stand up to the teen's mother and tell her to mind her own business. When he's in dad's care it's not up to her what happens. If she doesn't want to leave him all day that's her choice but she doesn't get to set rules that affect what you can do.
The fact that he's a step child doesn't give him more rights.
And no it's not that he's not wanted. He's being a teen doing what teens do. Except the only difference here is that no one is standing up to him for fear of conflict.

He's choosing to! He wants to spend every weekend there because it's nearer to his best mate!

Where did you live in 1990 to get a licence at 15?

Let’s see how often you’re going to force your ‘real’ child to go to a farm park at 15 and whether you’re annoyed they don’t want to go.

That is not what she is saying though. She is saying that they can never have a full day or because of the child's mother and her demands

Bit harsh.
I had 2 step sons ( both lovely adult men now with their own families)
they didn’t act like this young lad.
they joined in with our family and all 4 kids got on famously.
if they’d stayed in their rooms playing video games their dad would have had something to say about it.
they were particularly involved with their younger siblings who adored them.