To refuse to adjust my days for husbands son and to have a rant!

[yarlow]

Just need a bit of a rant, I know I'll receive judgement but I'm also hoping someone else is in a similar position and can help me with coping with teen SS.

He is 15 and honestly I have reached the point where I absolutely resent him being here. It feels pointless him even coming these days. He now stays every weekend basically (his choice as closer to best friend here).

He never wants to do anything other than go out with friends or sit in his room. Now I understand this is just what teens do. They don't want to hang out with their families at this age, fine. But im sick to death of it dictating our weekends.

H won't force him to come out with us (young DC), and frankly I'm glad in a way as he'd spend the entire time moaning he was bored or wanting to go home, but he also insists we can't stay out too long if SS is at home because he doesn't want him at home alone all day (something his mum goes mad about). It makes no fucking difference if we are there or not, all we do at home is sit in the house while he sits upstairs playing his game console. He doesn't want to do anything with us anyway.

If SS does go out for the day you can guarantee there will be calls at some point during our day asking H to leave and collect him from somewhere or whatever else when he decides he wants to go home.

I have now said to H I am done with it affecting our weekends. If we have plans and SS doesn't want to join then fine. But I am NOT cutting my day short with my kids so that we can all just sit in the same house so SS isnt "alone" or to go collecting him or dropping him off somewhere.

From now on I've said we will go in separate cars and if H wants to go off early he can but I won't be anymore.

Another Saturday today dictated by my husbands lack of ability to say no. I'm so sick of it, sick of SS and sick of H.

I am fully aware this is teens and ill have the same with mine. But God I am just fed up of it now, I'd really rather wish he just didn't come anymore, what's the point, he spends no time with his dad anyway and its not for lack of offering of trying.

You are right, your SS is being a standard teen. Your husband is being a complete drip, however.

Let the boy be independent, whether that’s chilling in the house on his own or going out with his friends.

When I was a teen, my parents set the rule that I could have a lift to where I was going, or home, not both. Because they had things to do too. Still seems a most reasonable rule now and one I’ll likely implement with my own family when the children are old enough.

This - honestly I’m never going to make myself a step parent because I know I won’t love the stepchild as much as I do my own. Same reason I wouldn’t want DH to remarry etc!

Look, this kid is 15. What did you do at 15 OP? He sounds pretty typical. You need to unclench, that’s clear. You’re choosing to be stressed about this. When your own kid is 15 you’ll look back and be embarrassed you were so harsh on your SS (although you won’t because you sound pretty determined to hate him).

All perfectly normal 15 yo behaviour. Your DH sounds like a good father.
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A 15 year old should be able to stay home alone for the evening if you want to go out. Stop letting dh ex dictate what happens in your house

Why on earth can't a 15 year old be left home alone?

Ask dh what sort of relationship he sees himself having with his younger dc.. The one who does want days out with their df.... But has a df who opts to pander to a teenager instead of having a good time with them. Presumably dss can manage to use a bus? If his ex has an issue with dss being Home Alone she can stay home with him.

I can imagine your respect for dh is wavering.

You have a husband and husband's ex problem.
I think you've worded it wrong, you probably don't actually resent him. You're resenting the situation and the other adults that are causing this.

I have a teenager too. Gets left behind on days they don't want to join us. If they choose to go out, they know they need to get themselves home again.

The ex needs telling she cannot rule what happens whilst SS is with his dad, similarly your husband can't dictate what happens when SS is with her. Your husband needs to tell her.

I do get that, and I do think there could be a bit more flex - not sure why you can’t go out for the odd meal for example.
I just feel for him because he’s obviously had the trauma of his parents breaking up when he was a little tot, I get the feeling g he’s maybe been pushed out a bit when you and your DH had your own kids, and I just feel for the lad a bit. I can see his mum’s POV, I wouldn’t want to send my kid over and know he’s just sat in on the PlayStation all day, but I do also get that you can’t make him go out with you. Enjoy the rant and get it off your chest. You sound quite intelligent and I think you’ll find a middle ground when the red mist clears. Good luck x

I have two teens and think this is good advice. They don’t want to be doing stuff with parents like small children any more, but there has to be some time with family over a weekend. You can’t just have them holed up all weekend as it’s not healthy and doesn’t maintain good relationships. What about the gym or the cinema or going out to eat? Or out to some live music or the theatre or live sport? Or taking a good long walk together? Or just chilling inside binging on a good series or watching the rugby ? The family schedule has to be adapted so that your SS actually spends time with adults. He’s not grown yet - he needs support and someone to help him pursue his interests and listen to him.
OP, I mean this kindly but you need to adjust your expectation of family weekends when there is an adolescent under your roof. He needs a great deal of parental input, even if he doesn’t actually WANT or seek that input.

Think the mum is the issue here. Seems step son is happy to be left all day.
I have teens and a small child. Teens often stay home while we go do something for the day with small child. That’s a normal family life. He’s part of your family and when he’s with you that’s what happens, mum doesn’t get to dictate what goes on in your house.

Bravo

Not sure the SS is totally happy to be left all day as he wants lifts out to see friends (maybe it’s not the kind of place where he can get himself around independently?)

A 15 year old not being left alone for long when he doesn’t want to come out with you is ridiculous.

Two cars is perfect; stick to it OP. He’s not your issue.

Is Dh refusing to stay out because his ex will go mad if she hears or does he feel guilty that SS is upstairs not needing company but he still wants to be there? Either way, YANBU.

Except he's not spending quality time with any of his children, taking them out and having all these precious life experiences that NNs value so much. He's forcing everyone to stay at home while a 15 yo stays in his room gaming. Who also isn't spending time with his dad or siblings. He's letting his son have endless gaming time so how is that a good father?

You have a husband problem @yarlow. His idea of 50/50 is doing nothing with his children on his time.

A 15yo can get a bus home or a taxi. He doesn't need picked up every time especially when it means leaving other children to do it.

He is 15 not 5 he is fine at home. Ffs no doubt you all have
mobile phones. He can join in or stay at home or your husband can be at his beck and call. Everyone else should t have to suffer

On the contrary - from a place of 💯 understanding- from the child’s point of view. And how could they predict it? - because it’s absolutely obvious.

Separate cars on trips out is clearly a good idea, yes.

Appreciate this is a H issue.

You should have led with this. I don’t understand why it’s taken you this long with your partner’s ineffectual parenting.

I understand your frustration and feel for you, however at least you know he's a decent dad-the alternative is that he doesn't give a crap about his son. This irritating situation is much much better than him being a crap dad to all his children...

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh because you have said it's a step child.
I am sure other parents must have similar issues with their biological children if they have a big age gap and manage this. I think the poster who suggested he needs to balance things is right, and sometimes as with any biological child they have to simply do as they are told. If it is a brief outing then fair enough, he can do his own thing. If it's a day trip out for longer, he needs to come along and maybe DH can ensure he does something with each child during that day trip.
What is the childcare arrangement in the week? I would revert back to having him every other weekend and having him in the week if that was the prior arrangement. It sounds like he only wants to stay at dads because it's convenient and I also wonder whether dad feels more guilt and is more likely to drop things and drive him round at his beck and call than his mum will. It also seems very convenient for the mum to now have every weekend free.

You've definitely got a H problem.

The teen is just being a teen.

Have you tried talking to DSS? Particularly about being at home on his own. He might actually prefer it!

Will you resent your own children when they are teens and don’t want to go out with you at weekends or will you have more understanding?

Say that every other Saturday he can’t stay over as you have days out planned. He is welcome to stay if he wants to join you but not to just sit at home.