Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

454 replies

Tropicalturnip · 15/03/2025 07:24

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

OP posts:
Tangerinenets · 16/03/2025 20:14

Flipping heck, what a way to live when you’re a married couple. Very bizzare.

MustWeDoThis · 16/03/2025 20:20

Tropicalturnip · 15/03/2025 07:24

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

It doesn't matter which one of you earns the most. When you're married you both are legally entitled to 50% of one another's money, and even if this wasn't the law/case; loving one another enough to have children and be together permanently means financially providing for one another without argument, or resentment.

Supergirl1958 · 16/03/2025 20:29

Em1ly2023 · 16/03/2025 19:40

🙄

Show quote history

Wow! Sorry! I am a woman! Not that it matters, nor would my partner question my spending, but I honestly don’t see moisturiser as an ‘essential’ and that’s my opinion.

You could quite easily have just ignored my comment! Absolutely zero need for the emoji, you could have just had that reaction anyway, physically without hiding behind your keyboard and I would have been none the wiser!

Em1ly2023 · 16/03/2025 20:37

Supergirl1958 · 16/03/2025 20:29

Wow! Sorry! I am a woman! Not that it matters, nor would my partner question my spending, but I honestly don’t see moisturiser as an ‘essential’ and that’s my opinion.

You could quite easily have just ignored my comment! Absolutely zero need for the emoji, you could have just had that reaction anyway, physically without hiding behind your keyboard and I would have been none the wiser!

Show quote history

A moisturiser is an essential item, who doesn’t moisturise their face?! The eye roll emoji is not a personal ‘attack’ it’s the fact that it’s implying that her ‘D’H is right in quibbling it!

Supergirl1958 · 16/03/2025 20:44

Em1ly2023 · 16/03/2025 20:37

A moisturiser is an essential item, who doesn’t moisturise their face?! The eye roll emoji is not a personal ‘attack’ it’s the fact that it’s implying that her ‘D’H is right in quibbling it!

Show quote history

How does my post imply that? 🙈😂😂

I don’t ’regularly’ moisturise my face I’m sorry to say! Is that wrong? Am I not part of the club now? Do I get minus points?

in between working full time, bringing a lot of work home, running a house, planning a wedding and caring for my son who has significant send need, regular self care isn’t high on my priority list! I did do a face pack in the bath this morning so am I back in?

FWIW her husband was wrong to query it! Sorry I didn’t ‘imply’ that earlier on! My bad!

littlemisspigg · 16/03/2025 21:10

Tropicalturnip · 15/03/2025 07:36

He is generally pretty easy going about money in one sense, for example he tends to pay for family meals out, holidays he will often put in more (on top of what we pay out of joint money), however he always keeps an eye on the bank account, and this is the first time he's gone through a bloody Tesco receipt. He said he wondered what was on it as it seemed expensive for what food I'd come home with.

We've had a lot of discussions about having a family pot because I'm not happy with the set up, but it's never come to fruition. That's probably the underlying issue! I work part time and do all childcare while he works away.

Time to make a change!

Do you get paid for childcare/ household chores?
He is the higher earner BECAUSE you enable him to be.
You're the lower earner/ part-time worker because you provide childcare/ household upkeep which is ALL unpaid.
Maybe spell this out for him.
Or he can keep a surrogate and pay her to have his kids, then pay a nanny to look after them and a full time housekeeper to keep house....THAT is what you're worth....NOT your part time wages.

Pipsquiggle · 16/03/2025 21:31

Eldermilleniallyogii · 16/03/2025 20:04

I think we have a similar set up to you OP. A joint account for bills and mortgage and second joint / family account for food shopping, petrol, meals out, anything for DC. I would generally say personal toiletries that are not shared come out of your own money but DH or I wouldn't say anything if the other three in a deoderant.

Saying that it sounds like you got a deoderant (or more than one?) and moisturiser so £10+ so I'd expect to pay for that out of own money unless it's usual for you both to buy that stuff as part of the joint food shop.

@Eldermilleniallyogii

I hope you now realise that you are being financially abused as well.

Start charging for all the time where you are primary care giver.

Why do some husbands (and it is generally husbands) agree to marry yet deprive their spouse of funds they are legally entitled to?

They're fucking miserable misers. I couldn't stay in such a union - what bastards they are

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 16/03/2025 22:23

Can't believe doing a shop in two bits so one goes on the family card and one on mine.
Bonkers!

Reminds me of the thread on now where the wealthy date split the bill. This is what it usually leads to.

NigellaAwesome · 17/03/2025 00:16

But @Coconutter24once having looked at the receipt and realised that £19 of it was toiletries, he then went on to berate op.

AlGoreRhythm · 17/03/2025 01:56

Tropicalturnip · 15/03/2025 19:05

I work 4 days, do 2 school pick ups and have my toddler the other day of the week, I also parent single handedly for a lot of working weeks doing 2 drop offs and pick ups (one nursery one school age) as DH works away. We don't have equal spend, in fact I don't actually know what spend DH has. But he does contribute about double what I earn despite him not earning quite double. However, he manages to spend absolutely nothing when he works away because he expenses everything including all his petrol and meals etc.
I spend more on woman stuff like getting my hair done, having make-up, hair products. But he buys quite expensive things when he does spent - quality over quantity.

To be fair it's been working for us in many ways, but there's definitely a sense that he sees his earnings as more valuable than my time - which is why it can be the source of conflict from time to time.

I think this is just one of those times that I thought for fucks sake why shouldn't I buy a bloody face cream? I think my working week is usually much harder than his (no responsibility for getting strong willed little people ready / to bed or chores either side of a stressful working day like me, meal bought or cooked in a pub, free evenings) but because I don't get paid for that it's not valued - yes I bloody well deserved to buy myself a moisturiser out of joint money thank you very much! I do think he probably more than covers my "unpaid" work with what he contributes to be fair though so its probably a mute point and I was annoyed and hence posted a vent on here! I do often daydream about fucking off to a hotel one week and see if he prefers being the higher earner or prefers being the sole parent while also working. Hmm.

Show quote history

Sorry, nothing to add Re your spends but just in case you were bothered it's a 'moot' point, not 'mute' @Tropicalturnip

ThePinkOtter · 17/03/2025 04:35

littlemisspigg · 16/03/2025 21:10

Do you get paid for childcare/ household chores?
He is the higher earner BECAUSE you enable him to be.
You're the lower earner/ part-time worker because you provide childcare/ household upkeep which is ALL unpaid.
Maybe spell this out for him.
Or he can keep a surrogate and pay her to have his kids, then pay a nanny to look after them and a full time housekeeper to keep house....THAT is what you're worth....NOT your part time wages.

Show quote history

This! Very well said, I would be making sure he understands this. He is really being very ungrateful and stingy here, not very attractive qualities.

Daftypants · 17/03/2025 05:04

Thats mean , some basic toiletries and he’s queried it !
I buy all my own skincare and makeup myself , not from joint money but I use Clinique.
If I do a shop in Boots for shampoo and body lotion I pay because I’m buying slightly pricier shampoo ( only OGX when it’s on offer )
However if I were to pop some Vaseline intensive care inexpensive body lotion in the supermarket trolley shop my husband would not even care

Pipsquiggle · 17/03/2025 06:24

Daftypants · 17/03/2025 05:04

Thats mean , some basic toiletries and he’s queried it !
I buy all my own skincare and makeup myself , not from joint money but I use Clinique.
If I do a shop in Boots for shampoo and body lotion I pay because I’m buying slightly pricier shampoo ( only OGX when it’s on offer )
However if I were to pop some Vaseline intensive care inexpensive body lotion in the supermarket trolley shop my husband would not even care

He shouldn't care about OGX or Clinique either @Daftypants as long as collectively you have the disposable income to afford it.

You do see that you are also being manipulated just as much as OP.

Coconutter24 · 17/03/2025 06:44

NigellaAwesome · 17/03/2025 00:16

But @Coconutter24once having looked at the receipt and realised that £19 of it was toiletries, he then went on to berate op.

Did he berate her or was he just peeved about it? Sounds like the latter from what op said.

Daftypants · 17/03/2025 08:10

Pipsquiggle · 17/03/2025 06:24

He shouldn't care about OGX or Clinique either @Daftypants as long as collectively you have the disposable income to afford it.

You do see that you are also being manipulated just as much as OP.

Show quote history

I pay for all my own clothes ,shoes ,hair appointment every 2 months ( not too pricey) and eyebrows waxed .
I can’t afford to do more than that .
You make a very valid point but I don’t think our combined income would stretch to any more than that .
He thinks that amount on mid range skin care is a waste of money and I don’t feel the same so I buy that separately

Mervyco · 17/03/2025 08:29

I am a man, but do use moisturiser etc. so think my points are just as valid as the Lady's input.
We have one pot and everything comes out of it. You have your own accounts and a joint one.
Personal items, such as creams and smellies are your personal items and should not come out of the joint pot. Whilst i understand that your valuable contribution is not financial, you do earn your own money. That is what it is there for. and I agree with the husband, on this occasion.

Flatandhappy · 17/03/2025 08:34

Seriously? I think $200-300 is probably the point at which either DH or I would even think to wonder about who spent what and even then neither of us would ever question something if the other person felt they needed it. What a grim way to live unless of course money is tight.

Fountofwisdom · 17/03/2025 10:38

Bloody hell! Never in any relationship have I ever questioned or checked a grocery shop receipt by a partner or had a partner do this to me. Your husband sounds like a tight git and being tight is truly one of the most off-putting character traits I can think of.

Do you check his shopping receipts? Tell him to get stuffed.

Pipsquiggle · 17/03/2025 11:07

Mervyco · 17/03/2025 08:29

I am a man, but do use moisturiser etc. so think my points are just as valid as the Lady's input.
We have one pot and everything comes out of it. You have your own accounts and a joint one.
Personal items, such as creams and smellies are your personal items and should not come out of the joint pot. Whilst i understand that your valuable contribution is not financial, you do earn your own money. That is what it is there for. and I agree with the husband, on this occasion.

@Mervyco it's valid if you are:
*married
*both of you have the same amount of personal 'pocket money' even if one of you significantly out-earns the other.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 17/03/2025 12:27

It's clear from this thread that some people treat all their money as joint and don't seem to get that others don't arrange their finances in the same way. I know lots of people who don't share all their money and spend their own money on themselves.

Pipsquiggle · 17/03/2025 13:33

Eldermilleniallyogii · 17/03/2025 12:27

It's clear from this thread that some people treat all their money as joint and don't seem to get that others don't arrange their finances in the same way. I know lots of people who don't share all their money and spend their own money on themselves.

@Eldermilleniallyogii

I think there are loads of different ways of carving up the household income. I don't mind as long as it's transparent, fair and equitable.

There are far too many threads on mumsnet where women are not financially supported by their husbands, particularly when they start to have DC. Many women exclusively pay for childcare, clothing etc whilst taking a pay cut.
Meanwhile their DH's career continues on the same trajectory, they get more money which they don't share with their wives. Personal disposable income levels are completely different.

It's a sad day when the woman would be in a stronger financial position divorcing their Dh than they would inside the marriage

crumblingschools · 17/03/2025 13:43

@Eldermilleniallyogii but when income isn’t equal, especially when it is down to one partner reducing hours due to childcare (and let’s face it this is usually a woman) so they don’t have equal disposable income then there needs to be some sort of sharing finances

DH and I started on similar income, similar job, similar qualifications. Now he earns about 5 times more than me, partly down to me taking time out for DC, partly down to him being more driven and partly down to the fact that there is a big gender difference when it comes to his role, big glass ceiling (currently only 1 female partner in his office)Would it be fair that he has huge amount of disposable income and I have very little?

We share income and DH does not go through my receipts

Middleagedspreadisreal · 17/03/2025 17:21

MrsTheodoreLogan · 15/03/2025 07:25

I do not know how anyone can live like this.

Me neither

Em1ly2023 · 19/03/2025 18:23

NewmummyJ · 15/03/2025 07:28

Are you on a very tight budget where every penny needs to be monitored?

Wife is. Husband isn’t. Funny that 🤔…

Liz1tummypain · 19/03/2025 22:53

You're married. It's all joint.