To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

I genuinely don't understand this whole business of married couples working out who pays for what and putting percentages into a joint account etc. It doesn't seem like it ever works out

I always thought the same, and we always just worked with what money we had, regardless of what we were buying. But since having kids we have a joint account that we always put so much in a month, that way if the rest of our money runs out we can always buy essentials, for us or the kids, worked out great actually. Especially in skint months!

How you can procreate with someone and not share finances is beyond me

Do we know that? They pay proportionately into that account but we don't know if they take equal spending money, or if she has the child benefit. People work these things out in many different ways. Only the OP knows the finer details but working fulltime isn't always leaving you with more money by the time childcare and travel expenses are taken into account.

This has made me so sad for the OP.

Gosh, he’s going to have quite a shock on what the courts consider to be joins assets if you decide to divorce his tight controlling arse

This isn't really about deodorant, is it? Sounds as if there is resentment between you about who contributes what. Maybe you've agreed an arrangement that he's not happy with.

Unless they are very low earners, it's very unlikely the child benefit will make that much difference.

Total bills come to £2000.
He brings in £2000. She brings in £1000.
He then pays in 2/3 - so 1350(ish) and she puts in £650(ish). He's left with 650 and she's left with 350. A bit of child benefit won't make that much difference here.

Also, arguably, most couples, if splittng proportionally, would, one assumes, add ALL income to that calculation. It's not rocket science.

Perhaps we need to start including this in the marriage vows, then everyone knows where they stand.

”for richer, for poorer, we shall share the expense of small toiletries”

This. Sounds exhausting.

You see, my petty self would now create a spreadsheet, and start recording all of the things I do, compared to him. Childcare, cooking cleaning, all of it. Then go through it with him every time he questions the receipts for groceries. After all, time IS money.

I use a club card for example when shopping in Tesco and use the points for things that could be contentious (such as a railcard for me).

Also what happens when your kids reach puberty and need to pay for deodorant and acne cream. Will he make them wash the neighbours cars for money etc. to pay for these types of things?

Who pays for soap, shower gel and loo paper or do you have to mark it down on a clipboard and settle the cost later?

Yes, he does. Why?

This.

It's utterly depressing.

And women freely have sex with a man like this? 🫤

@JingsMahBucket It was the Joy Luck Club! Shocked me to my core. We grew up very poor and no way would my Dad be like this, plus there were 4 women in the household so tampons a plenty

You would be better putting both salaries entirely into a joint account and then withdrawing equal amounts for personal expenditure (which does not include clothes, deodorants etc as those are joint items which you can pay for from the joint account - personal spending money is for a take-away for you only, a treat, an outing only you are going on, a book you want to buy etc).
Crikey, I'd be having words with this mean twat. I married in the 70s and all money went into a joint account (and I was the higher earner), then savings and any personal money came out of that along with all bills, shopping etc. Second marriage (90s) ditto.
Why have women allowed themselves to be tricked into the 'equal amounts/proportionate amounts into a joint account and the rest of what is earned is personal money' trap? It ends with the woman paying for all the kids' stuff and the entitled man not contributing properly to his offspring and lifestyle.

I honestly don’t know why some people get married if they plan to be so tight with money/rigid about such silly things. Putting love and romance aside, getting married is ultimately agreeing to pool and share your resources in life. If you want your money to remain your money then don’t get married.

It’s not like you bought a new tv in the weekly shop fgs.

YANBU

Nor would I, however I would not expect my DH to a) know how much it cost b) berate me about it c) tell me I should pay for my own moisturizer because the money in the joint account was not for personal items like these - which account does OP pay for her tampons etc from, pray? It reminds me of horrible stories about women having to ask their husbands for 6d to buy sanitary towels in the 30s, told by women campaigning for married women to be able to earn their own money.

You'd find more flexibility if everything went into one pot i.e both incomes to one joint account, and then took out identifical amounts of spending money.

If she's doing all the childcare etc he should not be getting antsy about personal items she buys - she's enabling him to work and thus is earning part of his salary as well as her own.

Same. This sounds utterly fucking miserable.

It varies, everyone in my family seems to do it differently. One couple put proportionately into the bills and outgoings account, then they take an equal amount for personal spending, the remainder gets split across 3 savings accounts, his/hers/joint. She works part time, if she worked more hours the bills account would be more equal, the spends would remain equal, his and hers savings would remain equal and the remainder in joint savings. If her hours went up I don't think she'd end up better off but depending on childcare costs compared to extra earnings there might be more in the joint savings account. The child benefit gets saved separately for the childs clothes etc.

I couldn't keep track of it myself, far too complicated but definitely not a case of her personally having more cash in her pocket if she worked. It often amazes me how many different ways there are to do it. The least fair one in my family is where the wife earns considerably more and insists they pay 50/50 for everything. She must have about 4 times more than him for personal spends but they seem happy so I suppose that's what matters