To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

Wow. That’s insane. You are married. Everything should be in one account. I don’t work, don’t even have tiny children anymore, I buy what I wants dh says nothing. Or often “go on treat yourself”
Your dh is an arse.

My moisturiser cost more in the region of £37 not £7. If I was short on personal spends I’d buy it out of joint money but my husband would never quibble it. But we put ever in one pot and have equal spends each. Personal spends don’t cover booze to drink at home, nor meals out together. We wouldn’t use personal spends for coffee out or work lunches. Personal spends are for hobbies and clothing, for nights out without other half.

What does that have to do with what I said?

It's amazing how many ways there are to do this!

I think he's being tight tbh. It's a moisturiser, there are levels of self care and buying this and a deodorant out of the joint pot isn't paying for Botox or a facelift is it.

That scene was shocking to me also. It was also the first time I had watched the film in about 25 — 30 years and it was interesting to view it through an adult lens.

I'd rather have my own money. If we pooled everything I'd find it very unfair that he spends far more than I do on clothes and he'd be unhappy if I said I object to you spending £300 on a new suit when I've spent £50 on a dress. There aren't any rules, each couple needs to work out what they both agree on. I wouldn't agree on your definition on personal spends for example, mine would include presents I want to buy people, money I give to charity every month and his would be the magazines he buys for his hobby, tobacco etc, we'd both regard what we want to spend on clothes, hairdresser or make up/after shave to be a personal spend but if it works for you that's great but you can't expect it to work for everyone.

I buy most of my own personal toiletries but only because they’re not generally ones you can get alongside the food shop at the supermarket.

But I’ve just checked and I can get my deodorant at our supermarket, it’s just never occurred to me - when I run out it’s definitely going in with the food shop!

If my moisturiser etc were cheaper brands then absolutely I’d get them with our joint shop.

Each to their own, OP. I have always regarded what my DH earns as much my money as the money I earn (and vice versa, of course). I reckon any difference in actual income is more than made up by the domestic labour all women put in. Also, if my DH was buying a £300 suit we would be discussing the expenditure and he would not expect that I would spend less on a dress (well, he would have, he is now late). Just because a DH might earn more does not mean he is allowed to take liberties with the family budget - which is all the money that comes into the household.
Which is why I find modern women so peculiar. Women fought hard to be treated as equals in a marriage, without the male spouse having all the spending options, doling out money as he felt fit, and that equality of input seems to have gone astray.

On Reddit, where AITA (Am I The Asshole) started, lost in the mists of time was a thread where someone’s DH had eaten her special Iranian yoghurt. Of course, there were many many other issues in the relationship.

It’s become legend.

On a slight tangent, but one thing I’ve decided is definitely coming from the joint account in future is new period pants!

I so agree with what you say about modern marriages. ( I guess we have an old fashioned one). Women caught between a rock and a hard place.

Equality has definitely been interpreted in a way that means women still get shafted. Funny that.

Toiletries should come out of the household budget imo Most people would throw things in the trolley with groceries.
if he chooses expensive products then he pays for them
i I couldn’t put up with this level of nitpicking.

Same. I go to the supermarket. Fill up the trolley with whatever we need or fancy. Pay. Come home. Put stuff away. End of.

Some on here will tell you you have no idea how privileged you are that you can do this. Which is ridiculous, but somehow also depressingly true.

It’s not shampoo!

What a tightwadasshat.

He's checking shopping receipts and calling you out for buying fucking deodorant and a cheap moisturizer while he's fucking treats himself.

Use his shit. Use his deodorant, his razors, his soap, whatever.

I don't get how so many women let these "higher earners" take so much advantage of them financially. You are married. You two should be in this together but you're not.

I agree with the posters saying this is a depressing set up for a family and most families wouldn't bat an eyelid about it but ultimately voted YABU because within the context of what you both seem to have previously agreed, it is clearly a personal spend.

yes it is a 'basic essential' but it's a basic PERSONAL essential, for you and only you. So if what you've agreed is that all items that are for you/DH individually and not used for the entire household (like toothpaste or soap) are paid for separately then those items clearly count.

Otherwise where do you draw the line? Contacts and glasses are essentials but cost £100s. Clothing is an essential so you could argue all your clothes should come out of the joint account. If a moisturiser is a basic essential where is the line between that and luxury beauty products - where does leg waxing or razors or fake tan or foundation come? How about haircuts? Hair dye?

The argument that it's only a few quid applies both ways - if it's that small why quibble about paying it yourself?

So many people fixated on the cost of the moisturiser when her deodorant purchase has cost £12! Whilst it may work out cheaper in the long run, it may be that it's that which has caused him to check the bill. Yes, it sounds tight and OP says they are not on the breadline, but that doesn't mean that they don't have to be careful generally, especially if they want to be able to have holidays and meals out.

FWIW, when our dcs were little and I worked part time, although we could cover our bills, an extra purchase, such as the OP stocking up on deodorant, could have tipped us over. It's all very well saying it would save money in the long run but that doesn't help if for some reason finances are tight that month.
Nowadays, dcs have left home and we are more comfortable financially. But because we both like specific, slightly more expensive toiletries, we each buy our own.

This is crazy to me. You're married - why is he begrudging you basic toiletries? I think the fact he's the higher earner is completely irrelevant tbh and you're definitely right to be annoyed.

And this is how finances differ. Yes to the deodorant if it's an own brand cheap and cheerful. But no to the moisturizer which I would see as a luxury just for me as and when I could personally afford it.

Does he pay you for his share of the childcare and housework you do?
You know since we are combing through receipts and adding up pennies. Surely all those hours of your labour he is pocketing are not just assumed to be free?
The overlooked financial abuse in these situations always astounds me.

It really depends how tight finances are. If they’re very tight then he’s not unreasonable, but if not it seems to be a very strange thing to be worked up about. It’s a non issue - it’s like buying a friend a coffee and not getting one back - when you’re really struggling that’s a big deal and seems very unfair, but if not you just don’t even think about it.

@arcticpandas and others who want to understand the Iranian Yoghurt reference that @SoScarletItWas made, here’s the original thread https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/

Ahhhhh. Definitely the most helpful response!! Haha I shall remember this next time! I had unfortunately left it out on the table and he sat down there for breakfast so I basically handed my arse to him there 😂