To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

Checking receipts and questioning basic items is really not normal behaviour, especially for such a small amount!

Nor me - just ridiculous.

A deodorant and a cheap moisturiser are just basic toiletries, like shampoo or shower gel. Not everyone ‘needs’ moisturiser but some people really do. My mum and brother both get rough, flaky and sore/tight skin if they don’t moisturise.

Even if it wasn’t a basic necessity, I cannot begin to imagine living with a man so tight that he begrudged me spending £7 from the joint account on a moisturiser.

Horrible..lifes tough enough,i pay mortgage and food,hubby oays bills, no joint account,he works hard, i workhard and if i can afford extras i,d do it, tis horrible to be living with a ocd nitpicker like that,what’s the point?

I couldn’t put it better.

But that is exactly what happens in our house as it’s by far the most effective way to manage limited resources - the old motto look after the pennies and the pounds wil look after themselves is true

I know it’s the modern way, but I just don’t understand when you’ve committed to a marriage and children, why couples have this ridiculous set up of separate funds! Why? If you get divorced you’d both get half of everything anyway, you wouldn’t be able to keep what’s in your own accounts. I just don’t get what the problem is with sharing your funds, maybe someone could enlighten me!

I would hate to be with a partner that begrudged me a £7 moisturiser. You should start billing him for all the unseen and unpaid work you do for the family. He’d probably owe you a La Mer cream weekly then!

Deodorant yes!

moisturiser, no! I wouldn’t class that as an essential in the same way deodorant is.

sorry

Aren’t you supposed to be a joint Partnership?

I can never understand why any woman who does the majority of child rearing/ working p/t agrees to splitting their spending money in proportion to their earnings with their DH?

If HE was at home with the kids and you earnt the bigger salary, would you really expect to have more spending money for yourself?

Surely if he genuinely respected your role as the main care giver, he’d want you to have equal treats money?

So glad my DH isn’t a tight arse.

I used to be married to a man who trailed his finger down the bank account and questioned every tiny thing even though I'm careful with money. Note the past tense. It's bloody depressing living like that. YANBU

This is the nub of the issue - he worries about money so needs to feel in control. I would let it go and buy my own cosmetics for the sake of marital harmony and to reduce his stress.

Absolutely this and to say she ‘handed him her a%e’ by leaving a receipt out 😳 and spent money on a cheap deodorant and (ridiculously cheap) face cream. It just shows that he doesn’t respect or appreciate the OP. Views her as somehow being ‘worth less’ than he is 😒…

(Only read OP)

Yet another reason I'm happy to be single, noone to go through my reciepts and nit pick my purchases.

Its baffling how people accept this bullshit from people that are supposed to love them. The quibbling over deodorant would make my fanny slam shut.

He's just a dickhead. It's verging on financial abuse

All money should be pooled.

My DH earns nearly 3 times what I do. We pool money but keep back the same small amount of money each for whatever we want but essentially we use our joint account for 99% of transactions.

🙄

This! And the OP is making light of it and convincing herself that her husband is great, but he’s actually a real p#k who doesn’t respect or value her as an equal…

He probably sees it as a bit unfair. He chooses to buy expensive toiletries so he uses his own money. Maybe you should but your beauty products out of your own money.

I couldn’t imagine this, we just buy what we need my husband would never check a receipt or begrudge me a moisturiser sounds awful

"for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish... but I draw the line at paying for your deodorant and moisturiser"

I can't understand how anyone can live like this. My fanny clamped shut reading it!

I mean on the one hand if you agreed personal expenses are separate i can understand in principle you should have used your own money.

But I would be hurt that my OH begrudged me £19 of toiletries.

I'd be hurt that he begrudge contributing more if he earned more.

I'd feel this was about more than deodorant

I mean if you've agreed what comes out of your personal accounts and what comes out of your joint account, to suddenly deviate from that could potentially cause problems.

However I could not live like that, would drive us both mad to have the other checking receipts and nitpicking. It's awful.

I think we have a similar set up to you OP. A joint account for bills and mortgage and second joint / family account for food shopping, petrol, meals out, anything for DC. I would generally say personal toiletries that are not shared come out of your own money but DH or I wouldn't say anything if the other three in a deoderant.

Saying that it sounds like you got a deoderant (or more than one?) and moisturiser so £10+ so I'd expect to pay for that out of own money unless it's usual for you both to buy that stuff as part of the joint food shop.

I have this arrangement with my husband too and it sucks. You will get a lot of LTB on here about it, but in all fairness I have really considered it! Every time we argue over some shit like this and I then have to pay my entire salary on stuff whilst he resents paying only half of his I get closer to the brink of "I can't continue to live like this..."
Sorry, no advice, just offering solidarity.