To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

To prevent drip feed we contribute to the joint account proportionally to our salaries

We have a joint account where all the bills come from and then single accounts for our personal spend. Sometimes I will get my own personal toiletries myself or sometimes with the main shopping depends where I am and the situation. Dh doesn't go through the shopping bill to see if I have bought personal items. He has always ernt more than me but we have kids, mortgage etc so it's all just 'our money. Seems a bit controlling and unnecessary

This is your husband?? Sounds more like a house share person

He'd freak at my £46 moisturiser. (Tbh, so do I, but I'm a lone parent so it's only me who can wince at it).

We tend to pay for personal items separately and just share essential expenses - mortgage, utilities, foid, household items etc.. . That said we don't have children, are not married and have similar salaries. There have been times when that was not the case - eg when Mr Monkey had little or no work during the first lockdown and I would never begrudge toiletries coming out of the communal pot in those circumstances (or indeed now TBH).

Thanks! Been using this site since 2009 and didn't know you could do that 😳

How much cash do you both end up with as spends? Does he have a lot more than you?

you’re doing a lot of unpaid labour in relation to the house and children

For all the I buy toiletries out of my own money people. How does this work? Do you literally look at the receipt of the usual supermarket shop and transfer your "share" for the deodorant?

This reminded me of a book where the bloke does the food shop but asks his wife to transfer her half plus X to cover her tampons he had a buy.

I could not live with this penny pinching mentality to shopping. And yes I would consider moisturiser as a basic essential. I have an adult son living with us and I provide his basic toiletries which includes his moisturiser. It has SPF which to me is essential having had skin Basal Cell Carcinoma removed from my own face (not a sunbather, factor 50 on holiday, religiously because I am milk white) and puts me at higher risk of skin cancer.

We do things in the same way as you and I’d expect £19 of toiletries to come from DHs own money. We’re on a tight budget though.

Start charging him his half of the childcare at the local going rate. You'll have plenty of money for face cream.

He’s unreasonable to go through the receipt unless money is really tight. But I guess I can understand why, if he pays for his deodorant out of his personal money, he might think that’s his your moisturiser should be paid for as well. So maybe he’s right on principle, but practically it’s not something that I think it’s reasonable to get arsey about and go through receipts line by line

We have a similar set up. If I accidentally paid for a hair appointment with the joint account card or an entire week's shopping on my personal card I would transfer it back, but the odd little thing goes through the wrong account and that's fine because we aren't that petty! Items like you describe are in a grey area anyway. Sometimes I might get deodorant in the supermarket as part of the weekly shop, other times I'll buy it online alongside more expensive beauty/skincare products out of my personal money.

That's really, really tight of him and makes me think that's probably not the only dick thing he does.

That still leaves you with far less disposable income, which is surely unfair. And what about saving for the future - is that not joint? I’d combine your pots in their entirety and then give you each an agreed monthly allowance to fritter, so you both have the same. We just combine everything. There is no his or hers. After all, we took a vow to build a life together.

What a horrible way to live

we are a family and we share
our resources.

This all benefits him and holds you back, that's not a partnership. You work part time so he can do his job. You get less money, less free time, more childcare, more housework. He either needs to combine finances or find a job at home so everything is 50/50 and you go back to work full time. What he is expecting of you isn't ok.

This would annoy me

Stop buying deodorant and see how your DH feels about your smelly pits. Maybe he’ll have a change of heart.

Tbh I do think £19 is a lot for a deodorant and moisturizer. Maybe thats why he was shocked as there was probably cheaper options and he buys his own more expensive one out of his money.

It depends on your set up...if he was shopping and chucked a few items in for himself, would you want him to lay it back or would you just let it go?

I dont think your set up is particularly strange but we do similar so maybe thats what I'm used to. Works well for us.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t live like this.

I'd tell him it was payment for doing the family shop. We have all money in a joint pot and unless it's something expensive that we'd agree before spending we don't even discuss each other's purchases. You're meant to be a team.

This is what I've been pushing for, because it would stop petty little bickers like this! He does genuinely worry about money, even though we don't need to - we aren't on the breadline.

I keep seeing more and more of the threads here on mumsnet.

My question is, surely over the course of a 15-20 year long term marriage or relationship that things balance out in the end. So for example, £3.50 of that deodorant was paid for by "him" but for the love of God, you MUST have spent £3.50 on him at some point!, on something?

Do people really keep a tally like this?

My question would be how unpaid labour is split.

I don't think its an attractive trait to go through a receipt and ask for £19 back into the joint pot, but equally I can see that if that usually comes out of personal spends he might be looking for fairness or equality.

But, its not really fairness or equality if you're putting in more time than him. If you're regularly the one doing the shop or deciding on bits for the kids or doing more of the housework or parenting. Then that time needs to be considered too.

As you are married you have actually entered into a 50/50 legal arrangement. Do you charge him for child care because that is expensive.

We used to have a toilet roll each (pink and blue) but you can't seem to get coloured paper these days, so we both have white and write our names on each sheet before introducing a new roll.

And woe betide if someone 'accidently' uses the wrong roll.

(I've started numbering the sheets too now and recording the 'serial number' in my phone at the point I have got up to.)