To think this daily essential should come out of joint money?

[Tropicalturnip]

Very trivial really but I need a vent as I surely don't think I WU!

Stocked up on deodorant the other day as the one I usually get is on offer. Also bought a fairly basic £7 face moisturiser because mine ran out ages ago and I've just been using the kids body lotion.

Anyway, DH checked the receipt today as it seemed an expensive shop and was peeved I'd spent on "a few personal items!" (For context it came to £19 and the shop was just short of £60).

We have separate accounts and a joint account for bills, kids, shopping and joint expenses. Our own spend comes from our own account, but we both tend to spend on the kids or the odd thing jointly from our own accounts from time to time too.

I have always included basic essentials including all toiletries on the big shop, never been an issue.

DH buys his deodorant from an independent shop online that is quite expensive but pays out of his personal account. Also money is a historical point of contention because he contributes more due to being the higher earner, so I think this has riled me up way more than it should!!

IABU pay for your own deo and moisturiser
IANBU it's a basic essential and should be included in the normal supermarket shopping

Correct. It was moisturiser - a cheap £7 moisturiser.

This is such a depressing way to live.
I expect your DH eats a lot more than you, and possibly drinks more booze, does he account for that out of his personal account. I bet he doesn’t. Even though you say it’s light hearted, it clearly isn’t and he clearly doesn’t value you, money isn’t tight but he begrudges you supermarket deodorant & moisturiser? But supermarket deodorant isn’t good enough for him?
I thank the gods I’m single when I read shit like this.
Being a hetro women is a life-long burden!

Very fair point. I just put it on the shop because I was in the supermarket doing a shop and that's where I happened to pick up the bits I needed! Didn't cross my mind to put it through separately. Well, or that I needed to!
You're right though where would you even draw the line? He's the only one that eats peanut butter in our house. Should he put that through separately?

In general we're both pretty good at "reasonable" use of money. For example, I did buy a serum thing last month that was £12 and paid from my personal money. And I guess I thought DH got the expensive deo out of his personal account because it wasn't necessary to spend so much on it and hence not out of joint money. Bit of a grey area, I guess if we're going to get nitty gritty!

Just to update though - I have accepted the perspective that it might not be considered a joint / essential expense and have said I'll cover it in the joint account. DH has also accepted my view that it's just a basic necessity that I'd never think twice about, and has said definitely don't cover it. I'm debating transferring £7 for the moisturiser and not the deodorant as some kind of compromise. Seems fair to me! 😂

I will be revisiting the conversation on setting up joint money and equal spend in future and this time actually do it!

If contact lenses and glasses are seen as personal spends, and you are the low earner, would a high earner let their partner not be able to see properly if they couldn't afford to upgrade their glasses etc from their personal spend money.

Yes! The effort….

Sorry, but this is just weird! You’re a partnership - allegedly. Do you charge him for all the childcare you do? Of course not because each partner pulls their weight and ensures jobs are done, food, etc, provided, children looked after and safe, etc etc. All money should go into a joint a/c. You can still have sole accounts but use those for special money you want to ringfence, eg birthday money, so it doesn’t get swallowed up into the joint a/c and so it’s easier to see what you have left of your birthday money.

I could never marry anyone who was like this. It’s all supposed to be joint not hoarded away by Mr Biggest Earner while he interrogates you about your dreadfully profligate spending of 7 whole pounds on some moisturiser! WTAF!

Nailed it.

I work 4 days, do 2 school pick ups and have my toddler the other day of the week, I also parent single handedly for a lot of working weeks doing 2 drop offs and pick ups (one nursery one school age) as DH works away. We don't have equal spend, in fact I don't actually know what spend DH has. But he does contribute about double what I earn despite him not earning quite double. However, he manages to spend absolutely nothing when he works away because he expenses everything including all his petrol and meals etc.
I spend more on woman stuff like getting my hair done, having make-up, hair products. But he buys quite expensive things when he does spent - quality over quantity.

To be fair it's been working for us in many ways, but there's definitely a sense that he sees his earnings as more valuable than my time - which is why it can be the source of conflict from time to time.

I think this is just one of those times that I thought for fucks sake why shouldn't I buy a bloody face cream? I think my working week is usually much harder than his (no responsibility for getting strong willed little people ready / to bed or chores either side of a stressful working day like me, meal bought or cooked in a pub, free evenings) but because I don't get paid for that it's not valued - yes I bloody well deserved to buy myself a moisturiser out of joint money thank you very much! I do think he probably more than covers my "unpaid" work with what he contributes to be fair though so its probably a mute point and I was annoyed and hence posted a vent on here! I do often daydream about fucking off to a hotel one week and see if he prefers being the higher earner or prefers being the sole parent while also working. Hmm.

Why isn’t all money family money? I couldn’t live with this close up accounting!!

He seems to be totally oblivious with regard to just how valuable your childcare contribution is! Without it, he could well be unable to work, since there are no nurseries etc open at night. If you returned to work full time and he needed to do his 50% of childcare, could he manage that in his current role? Even if you both worked full time in jobs which paid enough to split the cost of a nanny thats not always a viable option and would certainly cost him far more than the £7 moisturiser! I suspect that your contribution is essential to his ability to work and earn as he does.

I think your main priority going forward, should be to not undervalue what you are contributing to his earning potential and don't allow him to undervalue it either!

You need a big reevaluation of how your expenses are divided - I'd say equal personal spending money and savings should be non negotiable.
If this was my 'd' h, I'd make him rue the day he questioned me for buying a £7 pot of face cream!

As the higher earner yes I’d be a bit annoyed if my ex husband has spent over 30% of the cost of the weekly shop on what I would consider personal items. But we had bigger issues in that I worked my ass off to be the higher earner and it was incredibly pressured …whilst he coasted from minimum wage job to minimum wage job

What are you on? He works away from home, she works part time to raise his children and run the house in his absence.....etc etc etc!

All earnings should go into ONE pot and moreover he should be topping up her pension to FT equivalent contribution given his work is preventing her working FT and progressing in her own career. She is on the back foot already career wise.
Just work out what's left after all deductions and transfer an equal amount into each bank account for personal spend.

How the fuck do people live like this and I say that as a woman married 30+ years.

Just hide your stuff so he can’t use it.

Omg

OP you need to show him this thread!
Or copy and paste segments and email him while he's sitting in his hotel room in the peace and quiet.
It's called gaining perspective.

I really don’t envy your relationship if you / he needs to compare who eats peanut butter and that relative cost versus who uses face moisturiser and different deodorant brands and their cost.

This. All money in a marriage should be joint. There are times I have earned more, times DH has earned more. I have investments he has investments (generally things we are interested in) but it is our money not mine or his. I am building a business and he is helping me do some things for the business (free of charge) like email set up etc- so if the business is a success it’s our success. I would hate to live in a way things were so regimented.

As a PP suggested charge for 50% childcare at the going rate locally you would probably match his salary. But to answer the question I buy things like deodorant, toothpaste in the weekly shop at supermarket and anytime we want special things like his frivolous beard oil or my essential oils we do them separately but also out of the “everyday account”. This is a joint account for our living costs.

Well said, OP. Tell him the same.

Afaik all money in a marriage is joint. It doesn't matter who earns what the entire lot is the property of the marriage - as DH's often find to their horrified surprise when they are divorced.
I think OP should point out to selfish twat DH that she works harder than him and it's about time he stepped up. Men who do not value the upaid work women do frequently also do not value women much either.

Agree @askmenow it amazes me that people live so that one of them has much more spending power than the other and they get berated if they dare use the 'joint account' for necessities like deodorant and tampons (just so we know who gets berated). Things seem to have gone backwards! Never would either my ex DH or my late DH have queried personal items on the general shop - in both marriages there was a joint account into which all income went whoever earned it, and spending money was equal, with a joint savings account to which both had access (but in practice me, since I was around and able).

I rather be single than be married this way. I have a friend who is now divorced and they were like this. After dinner they would go hunt for an atm to give the half of cash to who ever they paid. What a turn off being married to someone who makes you feel so shit about deodorant

He’s not unreasonable at all to look at the amount of food that was brought in and think how is that £60s worth, I’ve done it myself looked at my shopping and thought where is the food. We just don’t get what we used to for our money

Why is he rilled up ? If he earns more he contributes more . I earn almost 3 times what my husband does so I pay rent and house stuff , he pays shipping and small utilities . That way we both have money left . If one of us is short the uterus steps in . We each buy perfumes and I makeup separately because it’s expensive , none of us would bad an eyelid if the other spends £20 on deodorant or cream during a shopping trip to Tesco .
I would be worried about the meaning if him being upset above anything else . It means an out if balance relationship

I imagine shopping is something that has to be done as quickly and efficiently as possible given how busy you are. What does your DH expect you to do? Pay for the family food then ask the cashier to ring up your personal items separately then pay for them from a different account? Or do 2 lots of self-checkout? What happens with items like toothpaste that is used by the whole family? Handwash? It's a bit too nit-picky and mean.

I would hate to live like this too; I just don't get it. I was the high earner for years, now we are equal. For all that time before and after kids money was shared completely. It comes into our own accounts, moved to the joint accounts and spent as we choose with general understanding we are rich enough to be extravagant or waste money and discussion about large purchases.

Him having a go about possibly funding part of the cost of your deodorant is horrible. Also if he needs expensive deodorant for a genuine reason you should be happy to part fund it too.