Content Warning (concerns S.A.) Added by MNHQ - To have expected more from school safeguarding

[123dontcomeatme]

I honestly feel like I'm in an alternative universe at the moment.

My daughter is in her last year of a levels. She has been raped and experienced other sexual assults and cohersive control. This has been taken to the police, its taken about 6 weeks but she's done the interview, has an ivsa, therapy in place.

During this time her school attendance has been sporadic. I think that is understandable. The police, ivsa and therapy all talk about this being a hard time and doing what she feels comfortable doing etc.
The school are getting shirty.
Ive kept in communication with the school, the ivsa has spoken to them too.

Despite this, I had a call from safeguarding last night, pushing for my daughter to do her mocks. I said she had been doing well but the arrest too place on Wednesday and we have both had harassment from the family since, which has been reported and is being dealt with and how that's been very difficult, I couldn't work on Wednesday, my emotions were too huge, let alone my daughter.

The safeguarding lead then said, ' well hopefully she will bounce back quicker this time, that's the issue with children now, they need to build more resilience.

I am just dumbstruck.

I replied that this was a very serious matter and that if she was working it would be likely she would be off sick and she just gave me a patronising ' hmmm'

This isnt ok, is it.
I dont have any fight left in me now, but this isn't ok. Why do schools expect children to be like robots.

I think that safeguarding lead has serious issues of her own. What a nasty, nasty comment.

No that's not ok. I would make a complaint and request some training to staff on how to communicate with victims of serious crimes.

So sorry for your dd and you having to go through all this.

I'd be writing to the school saying that your DD is dealing with significant challenges following a very serious incident and having comments like "she will bounce back" is not helpful nor constructive at this time and that you would like someone else to be appointed as liaison with the family.
Absolutely appalling. I'm so sorry and I hope your DD is getting support she needs elsewhere.

I'm sorry but they seriously said she should 'bounce back quicker' from being raped?

That's absolutely horrifying.

It's so far past not okay that its in another country. The resilience comment, too. No-one, much less a teenage girl, should be expected to have 'resilience' around being raped.

I completely appreciate you're exhausted but that needs a complaint to the SLT immediately, not least because it strongly suggests they aren't going to be anywhere close to the right environment for her right now.

Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Gosh I'm so sorry for your poor dd and what she's been and is going through. And also you, you must be feeling extremely upset and overwhelmed and having to deal with this extra unnecessary stress is hard.

I would be taking this further and making a serious complaint about her. What she said is utterly appalling given the serious circumstances.

They aren't the right environment at all. Ive been fighting with the school for the last 6 or so weeks.
The disclosure happened the day before her mocks. I told the school immediately. They tried to reschedule the exams for the following week where dd was at a point where she couldn't leave the house, wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating, was vomiting through anxiety.

I had to fight to get them to leave it.
Safeguarding then said she could wait a few weeks and then I had an email from the head of sixth booking them in for 3 days time, saying it will boost her confidence and help maximise her grades.

Like any of that is even a consideration right now, it doesn't matter, this is more important that a fucking mock.

Then I had that call from Safeguarding.

Bounce the fuck back. I'm so angry.

It's not like she's grazed her knee.

No this isn’t right at all, please complain to the Head or via whatever process the complaints procedure sets out. I work in a school and if our DSL did that I’d be horrified.

so sorry your daughter has been through this.

Yanbu.

Would it be better for her to take some time away from college and restart elsewhere in September? Ideally being able to just go in and do the second year of A levels (if that’s what she wants still)

I think this is a point in life where it is worth remembering education can happen at any point in life. For now she (and you!) needs to be able to focus on recovering from the trauma.

Horrendous and deeply inappropriate. Complain to everyone you can think of complaining to.

That is really appalling. You must be so exhausted by it all and they are adding to your stress but I agree with pp - I would complain now.

A boy in my dd's year lost his dm just before GCSEs. The school said it was up to him, sit them or don't, no pressure, he could go into the sixth form whatever and they would sort it out later, and if he did want to do them a member of staff he trusted and liked would walk him in every day and be around for him.

I am so sorry about what happened to your dd, and I wish you both well for the future.

Just sending best wishes to you and your daughter. It must be so tough for you as well as your daughter. But it sounds like your fighting her corner. Make sure it all goes through you as you know what your daughter needs in this tough time. If it's like this and she has a school email they may start sending work and pressure.

I’m shocked and outraged on your behalf. How dare they. What an absolute failing on their part.

I can completely understand that you have no energy to fight them at the minute but when you do, I would be making a complaint asap. Look at their complaints procedure: it should go to the head teacher in the first instance. You could copy and paste your post on here and make minor tweaks.

If the headteacher has been involved, or you’re not satisfied with their response, address the complaint to the head of governors. The next step after that would be Ofsted. As the school is failing in their duty to safeguard your daughter, this is a serious concern.

In terms of getting them off your back for now about her attendance, do you have a good GP? Would you be able to get them, or your daughter’s therapist, to write the school a letter explaining that her attendance will be sporadic for the time being and that she will not be completing her mocks this year?

My line with the school would be a hard no to the idea of any mocks this year at all. She’s year 12 I’m assuming? She needs to focus first and foremost on her emotional, mental and physical recovery from this trauma. Then she can focus on catching up on the content she’s missed. Completing mock exams under these circumstances is a ludicrous idea and I would be telling them that this is not a discussion you’re willing to have again.

Write all of this in an email and explain that you’d like communication to be by email for the time being. If they insist on calling you, explain that it’s not a good time and ask them to email you instead. Explain that you all need some space to process this traumatic event. You’ll still be engaging with the school, just more on your terms.

I am furious on your/your daughter's behalf.

'Bounce back!'

Do the school know what happened? I would be going straight to the headteacher and getting this all in writing.

Yes they know what's happened, they have the crime ref number too!
I've kept them updated all the way through.

She's in year 13 with the exams in 2 months. She's a bright student. She might drop a grade or 2, it doesn't matter.

That is disgraceful, of course exams don't matter, look what she's been through. Take this as high as you can xx

No that’s appalling, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with staff who are so lacking in empathy. Do what you need to support your girl and to look after yourself.

This is truly disgusting. When you’ve got your strength up and are feeling better I think you should complain in writing to the school, making sure to send a copy to the governors, stating that comments about children lacking resilience are completely inappropriate when discussing a child’s experience of sexual abuse and indicate the person making them is not in any way qualified to take on a safeguarding role and needs to engage with a great deal of training.

Id phone and ask for principal to ring you. This is totally unacceptable and has minimised impact of rape.

The fact your dd has attended school is huge. The school have been utterly insensitive.

Honestly, I’d be pulling her out. She doesn’t need to be carrying on with normal life for now, she needs gentle routine and safety. She needs stability. She doesn’t need to be revising or dealing with being on her own or in school. I was your daughter and I tried normal for many years until it broke me. It catches up with you if you don’t take the time to be wrapped up in cotton wool so you can deal and eventually begin to heal.
School isn’t the place for her at the moment.

Get the college to contact the exam board for special consideration. This stress isn’t going away in a few months. Speak to the doctor about medical options for being signed off school.

You are going through a traumatic experience. You are doing the best for your daughter. Look after yourself also. Have you all got access to counselling?

I’m not entirely sure what I expected when I opened this thread but reading that a young woman should “bounce back quicker” from being raped absolutely was not it.

That is outrageous, especially from a safeguarding professional. I would absolutely complain about this, it is appalling.

Oh OP how very distressing. I’d ring them back and ask what how to bounce back from rape and really put them on the spot. Then I’d follow the suggestion up in writing to the Governors. Education is now about profitability and results, the poor children the system is meant to be serving and nurturing for the future are just an inconvenience.
Hopefully all the other services you are dealing with are more supportive and understanding. Hugs to you and your DD

Thank you.

With this support i have emailed the principal.

I had also not throught about special consideration, I can't think about anything really, so thank you..

I've also sent the principal all of the emails that I've sent to safeguarding and from the head of sixth where he says it must be difficult but mocks will give her confidence.

I didnt realise that he had found the resolve for all victims of rape.. they just need to sit mocks!

It was a long email, ive picked bits out of your replies, so thank you for supporting me at a time where I have no resilience myself.

Sorry only read your posts OP. I am assuming she is at a high pressurised school and results are everything . Not at all the same but my DS broke his back mid mocks. He’s still not done them. School not pressurising him. Also I have applied for special cons (no idea how he’ll cope with the exams). Head of 6th form was really supportive. Go back to school on his schedule. Will call uni on results day if grades lower etc.
Just do what is right for you, not the school.

I am a dsl in a secondary school and that is not the way we would have handled it. The process would be student led and they would be supported to do as much or as little as they felt possible. There would be enough evidence to supply to exam boards later if necessary, there are ways to get around mocks and when they happen for much less serious barriers.

i wish your daughter and your family well, I am so sorry this has happened to her.