Content Warning (concerns S.A.) Added by MNHQ - To have expected more from school safeguarding

[123dontcomeatme]

I honestly feel like I'm in an alternative universe at the moment.

My daughter is in her last year of a levels. She has been raped and experienced other sexual assults and cohersive control. This has been taken to the police, its taken about 6 weeks but she's done the interview, has an ivsa, therapy in place.

During this time her school attendance has been sporadic. I think that is understandable. The police, ivsa and therapy all talk about this being a hard time and doing what she feels comfortable doing etc.
The school are getting shirty.
Ive kept in communication with the school, the ivsa has spoken to them too.

Despite this, I had a call from safeguarding last night, pushing for my daughter to do her mocks. I said she had been doing well but the arrest too place on Wednesday and we have both had harassment from the family since, which has been reported and is being dealt with and how that's been very difficult, I couldn't work on Wednesday, my emotions were too huge, let alone my daughter.

The safeguarding lead then said, ' well hopefully she will bounce back quicker this time, that's the issue with children now, they need to build more resilience.

I am just dumbstruck.

I replied that this was a very serious matter and that if she was working it would be likely she would be off sick and she just gave me a patronising ' hmmm'

This isnt ok, is it.
I dont have any fight left in me now, but this isn't ok. Why do schools expect children to be like robots.

How awful of a response, thoughts with you both

Honestly sat here crying a bit.
Thank you.
I can't believe I'm having to fight like this or that my daughter is, after everything.

Im so sorry OP. It is beyond awful and DD deserves to be treated better

Horrendous response from the school. I am sorry your daughter has had to endure their pressure to sit the mocks. Also for you, supporting your DD through the harrassment from the school and the family of the arrested person.

One option would be to consider pulling her out of her school and then restarting year 13 in September but it would probably be at the same school due to content and funding.

If she decides to go ahead this year definitely ask for special consideration but also if she has applied to uni and has an offer I would also want them to be aware of her situation too in case she does drop grades and they need to consider why.

My friend's daughter was raped and her younger sister didn't do so great in her A levels because of the family trauma and my friend regrets not asking for special consideration as her head was all over the place. The DD missed her uni place too because of the grade drop but no one was informed. They just kept it to themselves.

I'm so sorry how awful for you both. School have been extremely inappropriate here and you did the right thing by complaining. I work in education and if someone in one of my schools had said that there would be retraining across the team.
Sending you love as you navigate this and give wonderful support to your daughter

This.

I’m so sorry to read this, you are absolutely right here, you have your priorities in the right order.

People in these safeguarding/attendance roles are often low paid and not very qualified, I would bet this person has had no experience or training of dealing with a situation like this, and has just accepted the idea that school attendance is more important than anything else in the world.

I'm an exams invigilator and I would ask that your daughter sit her exams at home. I have done this, a couple of students had serious events happen to them so it can be done.

I hope you and your daughter can get better support from the school. Wishing you both some peace and resolution from this awful situation and please take it easy.

I'm really sorry the school is so unhelpful.

I would try bypassing the empathy void of the safeguarding team and speak to the exams officer directly.

Ask them about special consideration, sitting exams separately, what arrangements they have made for students previously in difficult situations and what medical evidence is required. You can explain they are a victim of a serious crime without going into detail. SLT often don't really have a clue about how external exams are arranged. The exams officer is the expert.

The school will have a head of exams. Usually SLT. This isn’t just about exams though is it.

I am so sorry op for the school's response. I am glad you have emailed and I am sending all my strength to you and your daughter. I don't have any good words to say about need to bounce back, that is beyond anything I could ever comprehend saying to someone. I am so sorry. You have your daughter's back, what a fanatastic Mum and advocate you are.

Children do need to be more resilient to things like bad grades, failures, friendship troubles, and things that are everyday occurrences… not sexual violence. Your poor daughter. I would go after that safeguarding lead in any way possible. What an absolute insane and insensitive thing to say.

I actually cannot believe what I have just read, and really hope that the 2% who voted yabu pressed the wrong option accidentally.

@123dontcomeatme what an incredibly brave step your daughter has taken in reporting it to the police, such a hard thing to do. And what an amazingly supportive parent you are. Well done for complaining, you are absolutely right to do so, though I can well imagine how much all this is taking out of you.

Women must now learn to "bounce back" from sexual assault and "build resilience"! I've literally heard it all. That woman should not be in that job. Disgusting attitude. 😡

OP I was in the same situation as your daughter in the December before my a level mocks - I was so traumatised I dropped out of school completely (and my dad told me if I dropped out of school I could drop out of the family too- so I did just that).
I would personally tell the school your daughter isn't sitting mocks at all. They are not compulsory and frankly any sort of exam pressure right now will only be detrimental.
You can do a levels at any time but she will only go through this experience right now and she needs you to have her back and let her control the situation xx

I would be absolutely livid. There is no way my school would act like this. It almost reads like they don't even believe her. Shocking. I'm glad she has you to fight for her.

You're doing all you can for her OP. We can all see that. You're both being so brave ❤

I'm so sorry for what you and your precious DD are going through. It's absolutely disgusting the way the school is behaving.

All they care about is results and it's taken their humanity.

Obviously the DSL was wrong and, at the very least, needs retraining. To be honest, it sounds as if she is in the wrong job. Ask to talk to the head of pastoral (sometimes called deputy head, pastoral) for some reason. They are trained in this and are generally kind and empathetic. They can put support in place at a school level.

But taking mocks does have value, both the sitting of the papers themselves and also going through them in class afterwards. If your daughter finds school too traumatic, they can also be sat at home. Of course, they don’t have the same value as evidence that way, but it is still a useful process and also keeps your daughter in a degree of routine.

I am not sure if I have ever taught a pupil who has experienced what your daughter has gone through. As a subject teacher, I doubt I would have been told. But I have taught pupils who have suffered other forms of serious trauma and, to be honest, they all react differently. Some are desperate to keep to routine and others go AWOL for a while. All a teacher can do is be sympathetic and help as much as possible.

And, yes, you should consider applying for ‘special consideration’. It is really hard to get these days but your daughter has a good case. You should be aware, though, that it is a small upward adjustment and won’t turn a C into an A.

Finally, it is about what your daughter wants and is emotionally capable of. The school needs to work around that.

Haven't had any response from the principal as yet, I expected a quicker response if I'm honest.

I'm sorry to everyone who has personal experience of any of this, I don't have the energy to reply individually, but thank you for sharing.

And of course mocks would usually be important, we do value education, else Dd wouldn't be doing a levels.... but this has kind of thrown a wrecking ball through dds life and her doing her best is what is important, not something that in the grand scheme of life, is not.

That's shocking, dont just complain to the school. Report the DSL to the LADO (Local area designated officer) who sits on the multi agency panel with the police at the LA level. Google your LA name and LADO contact details and should find them.

That is helpful, I didn't know that was a thing.
I feel i need to give the principal time to respond first and depending on their response can escalate

The principal is likely getting information from various teachers and also the exams officer as to how to proceed. So it's wise to wait for a response.

Wow, they’re acting as if she’s been involved in a minor scuffle with another girl or something, not a serious sexual assault. Complain to whoever will listen and take it further if they don’t!

Would she consider maybe taking some time out and sitting her exams next year instead? If not, you should be able to get some special considerations for her I would think.

I Hope you can all start to heal in the near future.

This is shocking and while I would expect a quick response from the head, a few hours is overly optimistic. I'd chase if I hadn't had at least a holding reply by midday Monday. Heads' days can be very variable and they are often in meetings which cannot be postponed or called into deal with very urgent staffing and safeguarding matters happening at the school.

They may not get a chance to look at correspondence until after the school day has finished.

what a total bitch I am sorry but rape and SA take a lot of coming to terms with note I did not say getting over or forgetting because believe me you do not but you learn to live with it eventually. It is early days as you said the family are having to be dealt with don't tell me they think he is innocent and akin to an angel. she will also have the court case I hope she will get lots of help. Exams can be taken again when she feels stronger and if it does not happen now so be it it is least of her problems. Give her my love and I send you lots of strength and hope some how you can both get through this