Content Warning (concerns S.A.) Added by MNHQ - To have expected more from school safeguarding

[123dontcomeatme]

I honestly feel like I'm in an alternative universe at the moment.

My daughter is in her last year of a levels. She has been raped and experienced other sexual assults and cohersive control. This has been taken to the police, its taken about 6 weeks but she's done the interview, has an ivsa, therapy in place.

During this time her school attendance has been sporadic. I think that is understandable. The police, ivsa and therapy all talk about this being a hard time and doing what she feels comfortable doing etc.
The school are getting shirty.
Ive kept in communication with the school, the ivsa has spoken to them too.

Despite this, I had a call from safeguarding last night, pushing for my daughter to do her mocks. I said she had been doing well but the arrest too place on Wednesday and we have both had harassment from the family since, which has been reported and is being dealt with and how that's been very difficult, I couldn't work on Wednesday, my emotions were too huge, let alone my daughter.

The safeguarding lead then said, ' well hopefully she will bounce back quicker this time, that's the issue with children now, they need to build more resilience.

I am just dumbstruck.

I replied that this was a very serious matter and that if she was working it would be likely she would be off sick and she just gave me a patronising ' hmmm'

This isnt ok, is it.
I dont have any fight left in me now, but this isn't ok. Why do schools expect children to be like robots.

I would imagine they are trying to help her but we’re a bit awkward about it. She’ll have to resit if she doesn’t take her exams and she might pass them and it might take her mind off things also

FFS she can take her exams next year, And I doubt kindness will be shown in this school as it has been very lacking so far

Wow! I’d also be contacting g the board of governors. What bastards. You bounce back from a grazed knee, not trauma like your dd has been through.

make sure you talk to someone also about how you’re feeling because it all affects you too.

Good God, this response from the school is shocking. Your poor Dd, I'm so sorry this has happened to her.

Echo PPs re: complaining (to HT in the first instance as you have done, and then escalate)
Definitely ask the school to put in for extenuating circumstances for Dd's exams, plus extra time/sitting from home etc. Bear in mind that extenuating circumstances add hardly anything to the marks - we were told just a couple of %.

Which school is this OP?

Bounce fucking back and move your therapy to a more convenient time !!?!?!

Great advice given here already.
Follow it all.
Write to everyone and send everyone copies!

Bounce fucking back.

to your DD and to you her strong Mum.

Thank you all.
I had no response and to be honest I was expecting some kind of acknowledgement given the serious nature.

Then at around 2am I was having a panic attack, going between perhaps I'm the unhinged one and need to step into the real world, and basically sending the email to everyone on the Schools website inc board of directors, ceo, ofstead, local press.

I personally think it's unacceptable to have left that with no response over the weekend, I really do.

Dd has had a nice day though, that helps me feel a bit calmer as inside I'm raging.

@123dontcomeatmethats disgraceful. I think both times we’ve raised a much smaller issue with the school the head has called after school. I would expect a ‘I’m looking into this as it’s serious’ email at least.
From your comments and the schools obsession with exams I assume it’s a private or a grammar school. Are they trying to minimise it so not as to look bad somehow? Is the accused at the school and they are trying to stop a ‘scandal’.
You are doing your best so don’t panic about anything. As you can see on here it’s the school that is beyond unreasonable.
And for the few posters who told her to do the exams as it will do her good I assume their kids haven’t suffered a trauma, or are also at a school where they push too. DS still hasn’t done half his mocks, his teachers are now helping him with plenty of timed questions instead. He now wants to get his head down and revise for the real thing. Just do the right thing for you and your DD each day. And yes, make sure you are getting support too.

It's a state school.

I'm glad your ds is getting some support. I still hope that will be the case for my daughter.

She's so up and down, which is as you would expect. Monday was OK, Tuesday she had the best day since all of this started. Wed and thur were awful due to the arrest and harassing that followed. Fri was delicate, yesterday she had a nice day and today she's filled with rage, but has gone to work. She keeps sending messages saying she wants to walk out.
She is doing her best. It's going to be like this for a while. It's not her fault and it's not my fault either.

I'll come back on when I have an update, hopefully Monday . If i hear nothing by the end of the day I'm going to just send it to everyone and escalate.

Absolutely agree OP. All the governors etc deserve to know what appalling treatment of someone who's suffered the most appalling attack and needs absolute support not criticism or being told to get over it.

I've emailed again with a update about what was said to her on fri re the revision session and therapy.

I've asked if thst is something the school supports because surely therapy to address rape, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and the police case is imperative and the school wouldn't imply otherwise.

Ive also told them I'm disappointed not to have received any acknowledgement. That dd has an appointment with her ivsa person on Monday, who work alongside the police , she will tell her all of this and its likely to escalate then and that i had tried to stop that by contacting them.

Lastly I've said that dealing with this is putting a huge amount of pressure on me and I should not be put in this position. Their failures mean my attention is on trying to sort this when it should be on dd. And that I'm exhausted.

I've also told them I'm in bsck to bsck meetings most of Monday so would appreciate an email response in the first instance.

Is the school in a Trust? If so, escalate to the CEO if you haven’t received an acknowledgement by Monday. If not in a Trust, do the same with the Chair of the Local Governing Body. It’s horrific that nobody has ever replied to you.

Yes they are a trust.

I've got all the contacts ready should I need to do that on Monday. I really hope I don't have to. I have no fight, what i really want is for someone to say sorry and that they will make it all better.

But then I'm sure dd thinks that too and she has got to physically go there tomorrow.

Response received!
Just said he has read all my emails ( I also forwarded him copies of the emails to safeguarding and the Head of sixth)
And will respond more fully later today.
He said its not always possible to respond immediately and this was the case on fri.

I have gone back and said I don't expect a response on a Sunday and Monday will be fine.... but I think Me mentioning the ivsa appointment tomorrow and escalation from an outside agency has scared them a bit.

Hes just come back again and said he will reply later today as he is taking it very seriously.

Good.

I really hope you get a serious response tomorow @123dontcomeatme . they should have at least acknowledged your email on Friday.

i would be wanting to complain as high as you can take it for that terrible attitude . That woman shouldn’t be in that role .

I would certainly not be happy just having a headteacher having a word … I would want her hauled in front of higher people . Could you contact the local authority education dept ?

Disgraceful . No wonder there’s a massive mental health problem within our teenagers with teachers like that .

I'm trying to be patient, but i haven't had the response I was promised earlier today. Unless of course he sends something over later this evening.

I feel like i should let him respond, see what he says and puts in place, but actually I feel like dd should have a support plan around her, working with her, not me having to fire off cross emails as we are both fighting to he heard. I should not have to feel i need to explain to the safeguarding lead that actually it's about more than resilience and that even i struggled this week with the arrest! Why am I having to lay myself bare to try to get someone in her position to have any understanding..

Playing devils advocate, he probably wants to catch up with the staff you have already communicated with to see exactly what is going on. Obviously they aren’t working over the weekend. Hopefully he will have a much better response to you on Monday.

Sadly, I’ve dealt with a few similar incidents and am equally horrified at their response to you.

Pleaae take care and remember to breathe when you need to.

I did say to him i didn't expect a response on a Sunday, Monday was fine. He replied instantly and said he would come back to me today with a response, plan on how to deal with this and to show reassurance that he is taking this very seriously.

You don’t need experience or training to know that saying a rape victim is lacking in resilience is wrong. You just need to be a basic, functioning human being.

The DSL should never work in safeguarding or with young people again.

No response was received .

Baffling. And makes me more angry.

I am so sorry for your daughter’s trauma.

You’ve had comments from people saying she should not worry about school. I think the most important thing is what does your daughter want. She’s had control / choice over her own body violently taken away from her - it’s so important now she has a choice in how she approaches school. She’s worked hard for almost 2 years - her letting her grades drop has to be something she thinks is the best thing for her, or the man who raped her will have taken that choice away from her too.

If she is going to uni, with her permission maybe speak to their Sen department - they could drop their grade offers for her if they wanted to.

You sound like a wonderful mother and your daughter sounds so strong. Sending you both strength and resilience may healing begin.

I’m sorry that your DD is going through and for you having to deal with this utter crap from the school.

Just on a practical note - look for the school of trusts complaints policy. and make an official complaint.
As PP have said contact the exams officer regarding special consideration - they only apply for this after the exam but keep all your documents. She can also ask for rest breaks which don’t need assessment if she’s getting overwhelmed. And separate room or home exams.

What kind of school is this? Sunday revision? DSL with frankly disgusting response and headteacher just not responding appropriately!

Be strong as you are and just tell the school NO.

Omfg. That's unacceptable, I'm sorry.

My daughter (though a few yrs younger than yours..) was also raped and her attendance suffered. Her school showed concern and wanted to support her but I would absolutely flip if they said something like that. I'm appalled reading this.

I'm so sorry that your daughter is going through this.

I'm wondering if it might be worth considering her taking the rest of the school year off and starting her final A-level year again in September? She has been a victim of a serious crime, a crime that's punishable by many years in jail. I would point that out to the school. I don't think that mocks and revision and school attendance should be expected of her at this time. If she'd been severely beaten up they wouldn't expect this, but just because she hasn't been, doesn't mean that her psyche hasn't been grievously injured. I am absolutely appalled at the school's response. EVERYONE knows that rape is the worst crime that can happen to a girl or woman, except being murdered. I would be steaming mad at their dismissal of her suffering and the terrible, terrible crime she has suffered, one which will haunt her forever.

I have no idea about your financial situation, but can you afford private school for her for one year?

Regardless, I bet your GP would sign her off for the remainder of the school year.

Sending love to you both xxx The world just isn't fair.

OK, I'm mad enough on your and your DDs behalf, and on behalf of all victims of SA who are not taken seriously, to have drafted the exact email that I would send in your shoes. About the aggravating factors I mention, I'm sure there were some, and you have to make them take this seriously, since they seem to have no clue or care whatsoever. Re. Major Crimes unit, rape as well as murder comes under that unit.

Dear School Fuckers,

I am contacting you in reference to my daughter X's current situation.

You are all aware that she is currently not herself, and why. For anyone reading who is not aware, X was raped earlier this month. As you know, there has recently been an arrest and the police are pursuing the case. It will likely go to trial and result in a lengthy prison sentence if the perpetrator is convicted due to aggravating factors which I cannot disclose, both for the sake of my daughter's privacy and because such evidence is part of the case and therefore not public knowledge at this time.

I am writing today because I'm overwhelmed with disgust at the school's treatment of my daughter after this terrible incident. A said to me yesterday that she "needs to learn resilience" and "bounce back quicker." As if this isn't shocking enough, B said that doing her mocks will "help her."

You are brushing off the effects of an attack that's serious enough to be under the remit of the Major Crimes unit along with murder. In addition, you propose to expose the victim to yet more stress in the form of mocks. The idea of my daughter in your hands at this time makes me shudder. You have a duty of care to the children whose trust is placed in you, and for adults to treat this vicious attack as if she needs to pick up her jolly hockey stick and be a good sport makes me sick. You are not fit to care for her in her current state.

The pressure you are putting on someone whose mental state is already precarious due to having her life recently torn apart by a serious crime is nothing short of abusive. Please don't bother me with your safeguarding nonsense. She does need safeguarding - from this school, because you clearly haven't given a second's thought to what she went through and seem to care not one jot that what happened to her is life-changing and will haunt her forever.

We will be visiting her GP and they will advise on what's best for her for the rest of the school year, due to her current suffering and resultant mental-health status.

In the meantime, please refrain from placing a vulnerable child under yet more unnecessary pressure.

We will be in touch when we have decided the best way for X to move forward.

Yours sincerely,

A Mumsnetter who'd like to smack you all over the head with some cast-iron Le Creuset