Content Warning (concerns S.A.) Added by MNHQ - To have expected more from school safeguarding

[123dontcomeatme]

I honestly feel like I'm in an alternative universe at the moment.

My daughter is in her last year of a levels. She has been raped and experienced other sexual assults and cohersive control. This has been taken to the police, its taken about 6 weeks but she's done the interview, has an ivsa, therapy in place.

During this time her school attendance has been sporadic. I think that is understandable. The police, ivsa and therapy all talk about this being a hard time and doing what she feels comfortable doing etc.
The school are getting shirty.
Ive kept in communication with the school, the ivsa has spoken to them too.

Despite this, I had a call from safeguarding last night, pushing for my daughter to do her mocks. I said she had been doing well but the arrest too place on Wednesday and we have both had harassment from the family since, which has been reported and is being dealt with and how that's been very difficult, I couldn't work on Wednesday, my emotions were too huge, let alone my daughter.

The safeguarding lead then said, ' well hopefully she will bounce back quicker this time, that's the issue with children now, they need to build more resilience.

I am just dumbstruck.

I replied that this was a very serious matter and that if she was working it would be likely she would be off sick and she just gave me a patronising ' hmmm'

This isnt ok, is it.
I dont have any fight left in me now, but this isn't ok. Why do schools expect children to be like robots.

I should think they’re worried OP. They know they’ve fucked up and will want to take advice from outside agencies. Sorry you’re going through this.

This, 100%.

That person should not be in that role. She was raped. Jesus !

Please tell me the police are across the harassment you are getting from the rapists family OP.

If they wanted advice he should have sent me another email saying he's reflected and will respond fully tomorrow... after insisting that he would respond yesterday and then not.

Seriously though, this thread is keeping me going, just. I'd be stuck without it. Thank you. Thank you for the poster with the letter! I can take bits out of that, especially the cast iron bit!

Dd can't resist this year, it's either do the exams or totally drop out. She has apprenticeship offers that she's worked so hard on. She wants to do this and I believe together we can make it ok, she just needs support and no one piling pressure on.

I can't afford any private anything, long time single parent. I don't have contact with my family and we haven't told anyone. Its just me.
I'm doing my best for her but it feels like it's not enough.

Ive been awake most of the night again, today is going to be hard. I've got a very busy day at work and dd has school, her ivsa and then work. Really I'd like to just run away with her for a few days and hide but I don't have the funds and it feels like there is no slack at all.

We reported the family harassment with evidence , via email to the investigating officer. Dd told her ivsa too who said she was concerned and would raise it with the officer herself.

Perhaps we are naive because we expected a response within a day or 2. Currently day 6 and heard nothing.

It really feels like we are just screaming into the void and no one is listening or cares.

Wow OP I am so sorry.

You're doing all the right things. I guess the principal is going to have a conversation with the individuals who spoke to you/sent the emails today, and then feed back.

In slight defence of the maths teacher, it might be that they are completely unaware of what's happened. Schools don't tend to share information like that anymore between teachers, to protect the child from being treated differently. We might get an email saying your DD had a traumatic experience and needs support so please don't ask. However judging by the teachers response, it's very likely they knew nothing.

Thr rest of the handling of the situation is an utter shit show and I hope you get some answers soon.

I am so sorry your dd and you haven’t been supported by the school. I hope you get through today ok and that your dd has a better day. Hopefully you will get a decent response today.

I also expect the maths teacher knew nothing.

But- there are trails of emails of me begging for help and support and saying how much dd is struggling. To both the safeguarding and head of sixth.

Why didn't they offer a meeting or do something internally that gave dd more support?
The only focus was the mocks and her bouncing back.

The head of sixth, and DSL are totally in the wrong. You're right to complain about them and expect answers. They're fully aware and doing nothing.

OP I'm so sorry. And I'm impressed that you manage to keep going. Hope you get something approaching a decent response today.

It sounds like you both really need a break. Can you have one without getting away? Not to add to your list of things to fret about, but I tink you should have no compunctions about getting yourself signed off sick, for instance. I'd be crying in a corner in your shoes.

I'm so sorry for the horrendous situation you and your daughter are in, and how the school is making it so much worse. I would threaten to report them to Ofsted (and seriously consider doing it).

You sound like a wonderful mum who is doing her absolute best to support and protect her daughter.

I agree with this and also he probably could not get in contact with the teachers involved but nonetheless he should have sent you an email after saying he would. Their behaviour is as bad as I have heard in any schools handling of a very serious incident. It is that bad.

@123dontcomeatme

I’m really sorry you are going through this. This is shocking. I’m going through a terrible situation with my DS where the school are clearly failing him, and getting similar - no responses to emails, defensive and horribly uncaring attitude.

My current plan is to write to the Director of Children’s Services. There will also be a raising a concern/complaint procedure on your school website.
Its hugely emotionally draining and unjust, but when a school HAS actually done something wrong, the barriers that go
up are shocking.

Twenty- i am sorry. Its so hard. Wish you strength.

Im raging. I really am now I'm up and showered.

The head of sixth knows... I have email trails begging for help and details of how much dd is struggling, asking for support to limp through the next 2 months. Explained that she said one of the reasons she can't face the mocks is she can't face a bad mark which is inevitable and the roasting from her teachers that will come with that.
She's a a/ b student.

Knowing that the head instructed the teachers to mark her as a u on her report that came out Thursday. One day after the arrest. Her physics teacher spoke to her on Tuesday to say sorry, that she thinks it's wrong, she will get an a or a b, but that's what she had been told to put due to lack of mocks.
How is this helpful? As far as I see it's just punishment, and poor dd who had been in a state of massive turmoil with the arrest just the day before..... and yet she still went into school the next day.
I am furious.

The longer this guy takes to respond, the worse I am getting.

I honestly wouldn’t want that moron working at that school anymore. Take a complaint and make the school liable. By the way she’s acting its sounds like she’s the kind or person that would offer up kids to paedo’s…. Make it known.

It sounds like the head of staff are pro rapists… any chance he’s related to the suspect? He might just be a rapist who’s gotten away with it…. What you need is people on your side. Local WA? You need people who are womens rights advocates who have the free time!

Make a complaint. To the police as well. You want all of this victim harrasing stuff to be charged as well. Its a crime and if you have evidence it helps.

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I can’t offer anything that can help with the enormity of what you are both going through but I am a physics teacher so I can offer some help with that.

Send me a DM if you want and maybe we can arrange something to help support her - in her own time with no pressure.

@123dontcomeatme you are incredible. Your daughter will flourish in the future because she has a mum like you.

As @TwentySecondsLeft did, I would write to the Director of Children's Services at your local council. This school has shown you both that it does not have appropriate measures in place to support a child in crisis.

If you know your local councillors, you might copy them in as they can advocate on your behalf and push for a resolution within the council.

I really hope your daughter is offered the support she needs. She is very lucky to have a mum like you 💐

@TwentySecondsLeft and others with children in difficult situations- hoping you also have the support and resolutions that you need and deserve 💐

I real feel for what you and your daughter are going through and the poor support from the school. And I really hope you both get through this tough time.
Don't know if it is worth contacting your GP to get them to write a 'sick' note to the school - in the sense that the school needs to cut her some slack and support her whilst she works through this deeply traumatic time.

I am sorry the school is not giving you and your daughter the support you need. Can I suggest you speak to the schools exam officer? They would be the person asking her exam boards to be lenient anyway and you could ask them if they could talk to her teachers and tell them for private reasons they are not going to convey that her teachers need to stop putting pressure on her for mocks and other work?

also speak to your gp - my daughter has severe anxiety and if a child is considered at risk due to their own mental health the school is obliged to assign them a person they need to meet with each week to help ensure that child does not become overloaded academically. Sorry I don’t know the term for it but teachers would.

I'm so sorry your DD is going through this and that you're having to deal with this additional stress. The head should never have insisted he'd reply to you at length yesterday, because he needs to speak to all the staff members involved before he formulates a response and contacting them at the weekend could be tricky. He may also need to seek input (including legal advice) from the Trust and the LEA because of the clear breakdown in the safeguarding process involving a pupil who has been raped and the ramifications of that.

It should, however, be his priority first thing today. If you haven't heard from him by lunchtime then you need to escalate it to the Trust CEO and send a terse one-line email to the head saying that because he went back on his word to reply, you no longer trust him to take the matter seriously.

What's so appalling in all this is the emphasis on attendance in your DD's circumstances. Not at all the same, but my DD is due surgery in the Easter hols and has had multiple medical appts that I have provided proof of every single time. So you can imagine my reaction when she got called into head's office to explain her below average attendance. Just ridiculous.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m gobsmacked at the lack of empathy, sensitivity and professionalism with which your daughters school has handled this. You are quite correct that your attention would be much better spent focusing on supporting your daughter (and yourself) rather than fighting with the school. I agree that the head should not have committed to reply when realistically they probably couldn’t, and in lieu of a response, should have at least updated you with a revised timeline - if they don’t respond quickly and positively today, then I’d have no qualms in escalating it beyond them. In attempting to ensure they meet their attendance targets (which must surely be what is underlying all of these inappropriate communications you have received from the school) they seem to have lost any sense of humanity or humility. I definitely agree with the PP who suggested contacting your local MP or a councillor to help provide support and/or advocate for you, as the schools response to a situation that is already hugely traumatic to both your daughter and you seems to be compounding and minimising the trauma, rather than focusing on how to help

@123dontcomeatme Reading some of this, if the Safeguarding lead is involved they MUST follow procedures. They do not act alone. If you haven’t done so already, familiarize yourself with the Sadeguarding policy and the law around abused dc. This is what rape is. There should be far more support for DD to help her through the process and the school seems to be acting alone.

Has DD got any support via the police or social services? They should be looking at how she can go forward and this should involve parents views too. The Safeguarding lead is not the sole person who should be involved in your DDs case.

Unbelievably I've had a response saying he can't investigate as responses come to him and asking if want someone else too who will call me later.

What does he mean he can't investigate? He's the headteacher! Ask for further clarification about why he cannot do it himself and who he is suggesting would investigate in his place. Tell him you are deeply unsatisfied with this response and feel you should escalate it to the Trust's management team. Make it clear the school's lack of action is compounding the distress your DD is under at the moment.