Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

Apparently not for some! You have to have your head hanging off, to “prove” you’re sick!

@Jimisnotmyname why can’t your DH take time of sick when your colleague is due to be on holiday? The way you were posting I assumed you must be a single parent. Why is it only ever the Mum who takes time off sick from work?

She’s so stressed she has various physical symptoms. “Just” not coping to that extent is being sick by the average persons definition. I have had many colleagues take sick leave under similar circumstances and wouldn’t resent them. It’s a very normal thing GPs would agree to sign someone off for.

As a line manager I find it easier to manage when colleagues are signed off sick for longer periods, rather than trying to work through illness/ difficult personal circumstances and never knowing when they are going to be in or how much work they can do.

Therefore I would say take the time you need as sick leave - sounds like you're burned out anyhow.

As an aside, it sounds awful that people cannot receive basic care in hospital. Many people don't have relatives available or could lose their jobs if they are required to be in hospital at all times.

I think if you are unwell as a result of the stress, then being signed off sick is reasonable. If you are not unwell, it would be more honest to request a career break unpaid and claim UC to cover that period. This will allow your team to fund cover. We have a fixed budget in my team and if someone is on full pay, we have no resource to fund cover.

This

Get signed off. No I would not be mad if it was my holiday. Sorry but if anyone was mad - they would be completely unreasonable. There are many ways an employer can sort cover, delay and reschedule plans, that's their job.

A company cannot work on a Bus Factor of 1.

The people I know with long successful jobshares who have been promoted together to senior roles all appear to have very open and honest relationships with each other. If you value your work and your Jobshare partner, I think you need a very honest discussion, otherwise there is a danger they will move on to a new role and you will be left without a sustainable career.

OP says her husband cannot take time to share the care of their shared child because he cannot WFH. Nobody was suggesting the someone can WFH and do the required hospital cover. I am such that he is just as stressed at the situation as she is and if the OP could get a fit note for stress, so could her husband in 4 weeks time.

In my small business I make sure that my male employees do share the care for their childrens illness / middle of the day nursery illness pick-ups etc precisely because I want women to be taken seriously in the workplace and that both parents have responsibility to look after their child. Not just the women.
We pay discretionary sick pay, and if employees are honest, they are fully supported.

I also know (from personal experience) that it is really difficult when a child is very ill and honestly with the employer in this situation would be my advice. You are clearly stressed and would easily get a fit note to support you in continuing to be paid, if necessary for the next 6 months. If your husband doesn’t get paid sick pay, then I can understand why you are proposing to do all the care.
As others have said, you do not need financial worries at this time to add to everything else.

I hope your child gets the bed they need soon.

for me it’s not even a question, family comes first and a good employer will appreciate that and facilitate. And colleagues should be understanding. I speak as a parent whose child has been seriously ill in hospital multiple times. You child needs you to be there (as do the very stretched nurses). When my ds was in Icu dh was on full pay compassionate for weeks and then allowed to remote/token gesture for as long as needed (I was on maternity that occasion). Don’t feel bad one shred- look after yourself and your family or you won’t be any fit state to work in the future!

It’s not dishonest to say that having a seriously ill child is affecting you to the point of being ill. You have 2 things to do - child and job - doing both is making you exhausted and unwell. The job is the only one of these two things you can pause in order to make you feel well enough to function for your child.

I'd rather be the one to cancel my holiday than the one with a child in hospital and would totally understand.

As an HR Director I would fully suppprt a period of sick leave during this period. If the organisation has to cancel your colleagues annual leave and it is paid for, they should reimburse. Practically, they will probably find an operationally sustainable workaround.

My very best wishes for yiur dd's recovery and your wellbeing.

A employer who relies solely on two people for such a role should have a risk assessment in place to account for this exact type of scenario.

Very sympathetic to you OP. I had a child in hospital long term and it's hell. I was signed off with stress for a couple of weeks. So I get it.

However...
A lot of this sounds like the pressure of providing basic care to your child. This is not acceptable. The hospital may ask you to help out, but if you can't, you can't, and they will take over. They really will.

It did wonders for my own health to go back to work, normal routine, normal activities and visit my child every evening.

Also, working in HR, from employers point of view

• it pisses us no end that it's always mums who have time off for family emergencies, and the reason is always because the dad's job, and therefore employer, is just so much more important. It's really a crappy attitude towards us - we take the whole financial and operational hit, extra work and stress on colleagues and manager, reduction in productivity/service (and in your case a colleague having to cancel a holiday) because the are married to Mr Big Bollox. A few days, okay, but for extended periods we start asking why both parents aren't doing their bit so we aren't the only employer taking the hit, and it makes us lose a lot of sympathy if it continues. Has your husband even thought about it?

• be mindful that an extended sickness absence will probably trigger the absence management process.

In your shoes I'd be kicking up a massive fuss about why the ward is unable to provide basic care. Complain formally.

I wouldn’t be angry at you, or think you’re taking advantage. Your child is literally living in hospital, I would have a lot of empathy for that and the stress of this certainly warrants sick leave, in my opinion.

It’s up to management to sort holidays, cover, etc.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Take the time you need.

there is a serious issue in work if your colleagues holiday has to be cancelled - they should be able to manage this while still allowing other employees to have a life outside work.

but, to be blunt. That is their issue not yours. Focus on your family.

Depending on how sick leave works at OPs place, that might not be a great idea. Some employers use a formula where you get penalised more for multiple shorter episodes of sickness than for one longer one.

Additionally, there's nothing to indicate that OP actually would be fit to work at that point. The symptoms you describe won't necessarily be alleviated by her DH going to the hospital whilst she works and does everything on the home front.

@nightmarepickle2025 that’s very generous of you, and of course none of us would choose to swap with OP. But if I had to cancel my holiday, lose money, upset my children, and grind myself into the ground by not having a break for several months - while knowing that OP’s husband could take time off sick but chooses not to - I’d be very cross and upset, and I would probably resign.

As both a manager and colleague I would be steering you towards sick leave. If you wouldn't take it (and especially if you were valuable.to the team and company), I would be looking into ways to help you like consulting with OH, reducing responsibilities temporarily, flexible working hours, flexible working locations etc. All of these would be dependant on variables including your role, what HR advise, and the company itself.

I know this because I have done this in a similar situation as a manager.

@AuntieDen

If you are really an employer, I would suggest you familiarise yourself with employment law and employee rights.

It is not “gaming the system” to take sick leave, when you are in fact, not fit to work.

your anger would be misdirected then.

if you had to cancel because of the absence of 1 colleague it would be your employers fault for failing to ensure they have adequate resilience within their workforce in the first place to cope with such an eventuality, and again their fault if they fail to arrange cover when it does happen.

its not her fault that her child is seriously ill.

As a colleague I would totally understand, and not be annoyed with you personally for taking time out. BUT I would expect management to let me have the holiday I’d already booked and paid for, so I would be massively pissed off if MANAGEMENT made me cancel, because DH would have booked time off, and HIS colleagues would have arranged cover, and both sets of grandparents would have arranged their Summer around our holiday dates to provide childcare when we’re working.., and so on.

OP, it really doesn't matter what the 'perception at work' is. It's neither here nor there.

You know what is going on for you and you know how you feel.

You know you cannot currently work.

Your DC is in hospital.

You don't have to give a flying fuck about anyone else right now.

No. Severe stress is usually caused by severely stressful situations- whether linked to work or personal life is irrelevant. Depression can be temporary but it can also be long term and it can be triggered by bereavement. You don’t seem to have any real understanding of the interaction between mental health and physical health, nor about the very real effects of stress, anxiety, and depression on the brain and therefore on behaviour and ability to cope and function normally. These conditions aren’t medical anomalies, they are conditions with symptoms. they can respond to treatment like reducing stress, limiting demand, sometimes medicines, but other things too like art and yoga. If the symptoms are severe, as in the OP’s case, it’s entirely appropriate to sign the person off sick so that they can take the measures they need to in order to get well again.

You can't wave a magic wand and opt out of the ill effects on your own mental health.

This.