Would you resent me if I was your employee or colleague ?

[Jimisnotmyname]

DC is seriously ill and inpatient in hospital. Expected to be in for several months. I have been asked by the hospital to be on side to help with various aspects of their care. In theory, I could take my notebook in and work from the ward (and do some catch up at night from home) but I am not coping. I am falling apart and not coping with anything. Would I be unreasonable to take sick leave? We get 6 months on full pay. I have been with my employer for over a decade and only was once off sick for a month (after major surgery). It would mean my colleague's holiday will have to be cancelled and I would let a lot of people down in my department and I feel hugely guilty about that. But I don't know what else to do. I know the decent thing would be to resign but I need the sick pay to cover bills. Please be honest.

yabu - suck it up and carry on working or resign.
yanbu - get signed off

Take the sick leave. Do not resign!

OP, I sense you made this thread because you wanted to be told it’s okay to take sick leave. In AIBU you will never get the response you hope for. If you are too sick to work then you’re too sick to work. Get the note from the GP and give work a realistic time frame for when you think you’ll be back if you can e.g. it is likely to be 8+ weeks. There’s no need to add to your stress arguing with posters on here

I know it’s not exactly the same, but my daughter was in hospital for over two months as she was born early. It’s so bloody hard balancing things. I was lucky my partner was able to take off the time paid as his employer was super understanding. But life is hard when a child is unwell. Be kind to yourself.

The first thing I would do is talk to PALs (in hosptial) to find out what duties you are expected to do. If you aren’t there, the nurses should be looking after your child.

Then, I would go to the doctors and go on the sick for a month. After that, ask for phased return. You can still work while on the sick, you just won’t be expected too. This may get around your issue of your colleague being away. Alternatively, your DH might have to take some time off.

Also in regards to the colleague, they can demand at least one of you on duty at any time, but what if you both got a bug? If I was told to cancel a holiday, I wouldn’t. But that’s your colleagues decision to make.

I have been your colleague.

I felt awful for my colleague and what she was going through.

I had absolutely no resentment for her taking the time off.

I was furious at my employer for failing to have a contingency for long term sick.

I still took my holiday - I sought legal advice and actually work can ask you to change your plans but if they can't guarantee when you'll be able to take your leave they cannot penalize you.

I am sure you GP would sign you off sick with stress. You must be suffering mentally. It is awful to have a sick child, l know you would swap.places in a heartbeat. Please go and speak to your GP, providing ofcourse you can get an appointment.

I’d be mortified as an employer if someone forced themselves into work, to sit at a desk when their child was seriously unwell in hospital. There’s no way you could concentrate on your job, it absolutely comes second. You are not in a fit state to work.

Your colleague should understand it’s not your doing and your employer should have a contingency in place or come up with a reasonable plan to adapt the workload temporarily whilst they have their holiday as planned

My child was in hospital with an initially life threatening illness, then spent time recovering as an inpatient. I went off sick, I took another month when my child was home recovering.

I was extremely upset and stressed- I lost a lot of weight and felt incredibly anxious about their health for a long time.

I did not feel anxious about taking the time off. In fact I didn’t give in another thought. Your child needs you at that bedside, focusing on them not your laptop.

I could not give a shiny shite about managerial issues that did not concern me. My child came first- the end. When I returned to work I received nothing but empathy and compassion for what we had all endured- I wouldn’t have expected anything else!

Go off sick, do not feel guilty. Concentrate on your child,

I hope everything settles for you all soon.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. People just don’t understand stress and mental health until they have been through it themselves and they tend to lack empathy as a result. You are no use to anyone if you’re broken and sometimes you have to look after number 1 before you reach breaking point. I note that your work place haven’t offered any support or reasonable adjustments, so maybe it is time to take matters out of their hands and go to your doctor as planned. Don’t worry about being fired - you are contractually entitled to 6 months off sick for a reason and they would not be able to dismiss you on this basis. Your colleagues holiday plans are not your responsibility and although it is a job share, I very much doubt the company will legally be allowed to cancel their holiday plans if you report sick, unless they plan to reimburse your colleague for any financial loss. As you said, you are not coping and it is clear you are not well. Don’t let a bunch of strangers on MN make you feel that your reasons for going to the doctors are not valid. I doubt many people would be able to cope with juggling work alongside caring for a seriously ill child. Don’t feel guilty for needing time out to prioritise your own health. And don’t worry about what anyone else thinks - anyone who thinks badly of you as a result is not worth worrying about. I hope your DC is on the mend soon.

Good lord, I am truly shocked by some of the responses on this thread. The lack of compassion and empathy is horrendous.
@Jimisnotmyname if you're still reading this, please, please go and see your doctor and get signed off for the first month, then take it a month, or even a week, at a time. You are not well with stress. Your company have a scheme in place to give you 6 months fully paid sick leave for a reason. It will be no good for you, your DH, your other DC or your employer if you run yourself into the ground. So what if other colleagues have an issue with it? If you're ill, you're ill. No one asks for what you're going through and you certainly didn't choose to be in this position. Who knows? By the time your colleagues holiday comes around, you may feel well enough to cover and if you can't, then your employer should have better contingency plans for this sort of eventuality. I truly hope things work out OK for you.

Completely agree @Justlovedogs.

I think the colleague having a holiday is a red herring really. @Jimisnotmyname has a very ill daughter in hospital, her GP will give her a sick note, and that’s it. When other people may or may not be going on holiday is neither here nor there.

I wouldn't resent you in the slightest if you were my colleague. If I had to cancel my holiday I'd blame my Manager, not you. All the best ❤️

Your child is your priority. You will not go to your death bed wishing that you had worked more …. However you may go to your death bed wishing you had been with your child more when they were unwell. Get signed off work. It it’s your employers responsibility to honour your colleagues holiday not yours. I hope your child gets better soon.

And as a previous poster said, I would not resent you in the slightest. This is your employers responsibility to sort out not yours.

In this situation you have to put yourself and child first. They would and I hope things turn for the better for you.

Why would you care about your colleagues holiday over your child's health? Do they care about your bills and your child?

I’m sorry your child is so unwell. I am stunned that you are expected to power through under these circumstances. I think given the stress, weight-loss and insomnia, (all a logical response to the situation) you would be a shoo-in for some medical leave. I would eventually consider taking some time to put feelers out to a more family-friendly company as well. While your position sounds important to your company, it certainly doesn’t sound like they treat their staff with the same respect.

I’ve been employed in places where the work culture meant little sympathy for those who were sick/unable to come to work. My current employment entails being the first port of call of people notifying their absence and my personal priority is to ensure that these people feel fully supported while they are away so it feels easier on their return. The person who line leads me feels the same too.

What I’m trying to say is that the work culture at your place is the problem and not you. Wising your child a speedy recovery.

90% of posters including GPs and hospital managers have said you must go sick - ignore the rest - If you collapse and become seriously unwell then your husband will be unable to manage his work other kids and seeing your sick child - do not be so invested in the negative posters you have overwhelming support to do the right thing for you both emotionally and physically
once you are signed off you can balance how often you visit hospital how often you give time to your other kids and put in a little you time to stay on top of things … the sooner you sign off the sooner your employer can get cover and give a temporary replacement training with your other colleague/ it’s doable - sign off sick tomorrow

You are antagonistic and stressing out an Op who is struggling and your experience is not necessarily the same as hers so if you can’t be kind and helpful and empathetic please don’t respond to people in need - especially those with mental health concerns as this can push them over the edge

Get signed off for mental health reading but offer to do your best to cover colleagues holiday period?

I wouldn't be at all upset with you OP - in fact, I'd be encouraging you to take off as much time as you need to be with your sick child. PPs are right - it's up to your company to sort out the logistics of your absence and ensure that your colleague can take her holiday leave. That's what management is all about - managing!

Please tell me you're not in a position of any authority in a business. What an appalling individual you are.

OP I wouldn't resent you at all. I would want you to do the very best for yourself and your sick child. You're having a horrendous time and need all the support you can get. This is extreme stress. Please see your GP. Don't listen to the minority of horrible people on here. Most people are sensible and compassionate and right. I wish you all the best x

You are ill. You need time off. End of. How your employer copes is not your problem and stop making it your problem. Your health and family come first.

Your husband is pulling his weight as your other children cannot be neglected and by going to work and bringing money in.

I spent a lifetime worrying about other people and considering their needs before mine. When I got ill what happened? Nobody cared (except immediate family).

Get signed off sick. You seem like a good employee who has been there a long time with a good attendance record. I would say that you are not in the right place mentally to do your job, who would be in these circumstances? Your colleagues holidays should be up to your manager, you don't need anything else to worry about right now, all the best.

So you're saying to prioritise work over her child whose in hospital,?